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Old December 18th, 2016, 01:34 PM   #1
Dimentio
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Name: Kieran
Join Date: November 11, 2011
Location: England, Basildon
Age: 21
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Default What's this?

If one of the mods, or someone else knows what this is, it can be moved to a sub category, but i genuinely have no idea, so I'm just going to go through a quick run down of my life experiences, then what's been going on ever since, and yeah, hopefully someone can help me out here haha

To go through a quick run down, i was abused and neglected as a child by my dad and my mums ex partner (Two different people), and my mum although she tried her best, she could be neglectful at times, like at some points she became an alcoholic and i did a lot for my baby brother and i, i was also very badly bullied, i had literally no friends, i would face assault when out in public, and even when under aged, to feel love and affection Iíd show myself to men online, so my life has always been all sorts of fucked up and some dark shit

Anywho, yes I've been in and out of therapy for about 7 years now, and they've said i have anxiety and depression, but of course, they only see me when i am feeling bad, not good, so they're not seeing all sides and so i feel, getting an accurate diagnosis of me, and it just feels like there's something more

When Iím bad, oh jesus is it bad, Iím suicidal, i bite my fingers and pick at my toes so often Iíve needed 3 operations on them now, i distance myself from absolutely everyone, i will go through months and months without talking to anyone, if i do talk to people i am very snappy, rude, bitchy, dark, aggravated, just straight up unpleasant, naturally am very irritable in every way, i donít really do anything or move, although i am on meds to make me sleep now, the insomnia is beyond ridiculous without, like literally 2-3 hours sleep a night, although my eating isnít ďBadĒ, i have breakfast, dinner, and maybe a snack, nothing else, and my meals arenít big at all, i experience body twitching and shakes a lot, literally everything causes super bad anxiety, i canít go to the shops even if i need something or have others with me, i physically canít have voice/video calls because it causes panic attacks, i donít leave the house besides the woods, i become lacklustre in a way for the care of my pets, they get their basic needs and that is it, thereís literally zero self-confidence, i canít even have people tell me if i have something on my face, because i realize theyíre seeing my face and anxiety galore, my memory is beyond awful, i straight up forget people even existed and they have to reintroduce themselves to me and what we spoke about, it can happen as little in 1.5 months, i canít concentrate in the slightest, i need multiple distractions, i canít handle repetition, canít do the same thing more than a few times, nightmares out the whazoo, i feel very useless, like my life is going no where, no one wants me here, no hope

But then sometimes i reach this weird bad phase where, i laugh too much, at everything in fact, and way more than i should, i am overly emotional in every aspect really, even crying, i snap much faster and harder, my emotions bounce back and forth like itís unreal, if i get angry, itís very intense and strong, more so than normal, but itís over as quick as it came, i literally have no control over my body or my emotions at all, as this is when i get physically violent, i make noises or actions without meaning to, my brain thinks whatever it wants, itís messy

But then i can go through phases, currently the longest this has lasted is about 3 months, where i am addicted to reading, baths, things i canít do typically, i sleep great, i dream a lot, i am very active, positive, out going, i am extremely, beyond positive to others, i go shopping once a week, i feel confident in myself, i try lots of new things, i draw lots, do puzzles, i physically become louder, people always tell me how much they love talking to me/having me around, nothing really gets me down, it could be 3 months until i genuinely felt any bad emotions, my memory is amazing, i wanna explore and do lots of things, i donít bite my fingers anywhere near as much, i wanna help literally everyone in any way i can, i do anything for anyone, i become more tolerant to things and life in general, i am very hopeful about myself and my future, i donít drink anywhere near as much (I donít mean alcohol, but like, i on my down days i can drink up to 10 pints a day, on my good days i drink like, 3-4 pints)

Like i donít have a middle ground, i am either this VERY extreme down, or this VERY extreme high, but the therapists never see that side, and of course, when i am down, i donít talk about it! So of course theyíre not getting this accurate representation of me, and even now i am probably forgetting so much, but yes, i just, i read so much about mental health, but this just doesnít seem like black and white anxiety and depression to me!
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Old December 19th, 2016, 08:43 AM   #2
bentheplayer
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Join Date: November 23, 2016
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Default Re: What's this?

omg, I am so sorry that you had to go through so much crap. Just wanted to send u a virtual hug. I feel so proud of you for being able to last till today. Perhaps it would be better if you talked to your GP or mental health team cos they would probably be best able to help you. Mental health management is also based largely on the doc's experience as differently people will experience different things. If you think they are not getting the full picture how about you try telling them how you feel especially your downs? Hopefully you can get the help you need from them.

We are all slaves in this new age.
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Old December 26th, 2016, 05:28 AM   #3
Uniquemind
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Join Date: April 1, 2015
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Default Re: What's this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimentio View Post
If one of the mods, or someone else knows what this is, it can be moved to a sub category, but i genuinely have no idea, so I'm just going to go through a quick run down of my life experiences, then what's been going on ever since, and yeah, hopefully someone can help me out here haha

To go through a quick run down, i was abused and neglected as a child by my dad and my mums ex partner (Two different people), and my mum although she tried her best, she could be neglectful at times, like at some points she became an alcoholic and i did a lot for my baby brother and i, i was also very badly bullied, i had literally no friends, i would face assault when out in public, and even when under aged, to feel love and affection Iíd show myself to men online, so my life has always been all sorts of fucked up and some dark shit

Anywho, yes I've been in and out of therapy for about 7 years now, and they've said i have anxiety and depression, but of course, they only see me when i am feeling bad, not good, so they're not seeing all sides and so i feel, getting an accurate diagnosis of me, and it just feels like there's something more

When Iím bad, oh jesus is it bad, Iím suicidal, i bite my fingers and pick at my toes so often Iíve needed 3 operations on them now, i distance myself from absolutely everyone, i will go through months and months without talking to anyone, if i do talk to people i am very snappy, rude, bitchy, dark, aggravated, just straight up unpleasant, naturally am very irritable in every way, i donít really do anything or move, although i am on meds to make me sleep now, the insomnia is beyond ridiculous without, like literally 2-3 hours sleep a night, although my eating isnít ďBadĒ, i have breakfast, dinner, and maybe a snack, nothing else, and my meals arenít big at all, i experience body twitching and shakes a lot, literally everything causes super bad anxiety, i canít go to the shops even if i need something or have others with me, i physically canít have voice/video calls because it causes panic attacks, i donít leave the house besides the woods, i become lacklustre in a way for the care of my pets, they get their basic needs and that is it, thereís literally zero self-confidence, i canít even have people tell me if i have something on my face, because i realize theyíre seeing my face and anxiety galore, my memory is beyond awful, i straight up forget people even existed and they have to reintroduce themselves to me and what we spoke about, it can happen as little in 1.5 months, i canít concentrate in the slightest, i need multiple distractions, i canít handle repetition, canít do the same thing more than a few times, nightmares out the whazoo, i feel very useless, like my life is going no where, no one wants me here, no hope

But then sometimes i reach this weird bad phase where, i laugh too much, at everything in fact, and way more than i should, i am overly emotional in every aspect really, even crying, i snap much faster and harder, my emotions bounce back and forth like itís unreal, if i get angry, itís very intense and strong, more so than normal, but itís over as quick as it came, i literally have no control over my body or my emotions at all, as this is when i get physically violent, i make noises or actions without meaning to, my brain thinks whatever it wants, itís messy

But then i can go through phases, currently the longest this has lasted is about 3 months, where i am addicted to reading, baths, things i canít do typically, i sleep great, i dream a lot, i am very active, positive, out going, i am extremely, beyond positive to others, i go shopping once a week, i feel confident in myself, i try lots of new things, i draw lots, do puzzles, i physically become louder, people always tell me how much they love talking to me/having me around, nothing really gets me down, it could be 3 months until i genuinely felt any bad emotions, my memory is amazing, i wanna explore and do lots of things, i donít bite my fingers anywhere near as much, i wanna help literally everyone in any way i can, i do anything for anyone, i become more tolerant to things and life in general, i am very hopeful about myself and my future, i donít drink anywhere near as much (I donít mean alcohol, but like, i on my down days i can drink up to 10 pints a day, on my good days i drink like, 3-4 pints)

Like i donít have a middle ground, i am either this VERY extreme down, or this VERY extreme high, but the therapists never see that side, and of course, when i am down, i donít talk about it! So of course theyíre not getting this accurate representation of me, and even now i am probably forgetting so much, but yes, i just, i read so much about mental health, but this just doesnít seem like black and white anxiety and depression to me!
Because it's not black or white depression.

Search for one of my most recent posts regarding sexual abuse drama and healing. I'll link it here if you want just ask.
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Old December 26th, 2016, 04:18 PM   #4
Anniebanannie
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Name: Annie
Join Date: November 5, 2016
Location: Maryland
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Default Re: What's this?

If you handed your doctors what you wrote here, they would be able to see your more three dimensionally. You seem so strong to have gone through all this and come out the other side! Please keep helping the doctors to help you!
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