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Old December 3rd, 2016, 04:22 PM   #1
auser_name
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Default I don't know what to do anymore

I do hope I'm still allowed to post here due to my age but I don't know how to cope with how I feel anymore. It's almost impossible to explain but I know I can't handle it anymore. I feel alone, betrayed, left by the world and kept in chains by my family. Im not sure wether others will give me advice on this matter but it feels a little better just getting this off my chest.
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Old December 3rd, 2016, 05:46 PM   #2
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Why do you feel betrayed? And kept in chains by your family? What's going on?
Do you have anyone you can talk to about things?

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Let us lay in the sun
and count every beautiful thing we can see


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Old December 3rd, 2016, 06:51 PM   #3
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

@BlackParadePixie 's post above is excellent. You should begin to feel why exactly you feel betrayed. It would be a great idea to talk to someone about this whether that be a close friend, a teacher, guidance counsellor, anyone you trust. Letting your feelings out would be a great way to start getting better as everything would be off your chest. That really helps, trust me.




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Old December 6th, 2016, 05:18 PM   #4
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Im not going to lie. I don't really have people to talk to this about. I have always kept my self separate from people. Neve had a lot of trust to give to others, but in year 11 I trusted two people in the same year. I have no idea why but I did. The first was my boyfriend we had met there year and he had swept me of my feet. I feel in love almost instantly. Two years later (about ten months ago) I discovered he was sleeping with someone else. That broke me. I consider that the day I died. I haven't been the same since.

The second was my best friend. I had known him since year 7 and had only just started trusting him, and after the whole boyfriend fiasco he was the only person I could talk to about it. But recently he had been having trouble with his girlfriend. He's out up a star for two or three hours and I had just caught it but he said he was going to start ghosting people out of his life, and it seems like I'm one of those people. he hasn't responded to any of my messages for a while even though he has seen them. and thats had a massive impact on me and I have no idea why. I don't usually care about these sort of things. People come and they go. Simple. nothing I can do but for some reason it hurts. So much.
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Old December 6th, 2016, 05:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Where as my family, they are very, demanding for lack of a better word. I am expected to act in a certain way, speak to match. Smile and bury every sign of feelings. Never show that my life is a burden nor the responsibilities that my life style brings. Every time I speak of this trouble to them I am told to stop being so foolish, a thousand people would murder a thousand people just to have the lifestyle I have.

the best way I can describe my home life is like standing in the middle of a very crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, begging people for the attention, begging them to help me but all the while they talk and laugh and not once do they look up to see whats wrong nor bat an eyelid. I am trapped in this. I can't escape. nothing I do will dissuade them.
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Old December 6th, 2016, 05:24 PM   #6
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I dont know. Maybe I am being ridiculous but either way it was nice to finally get it of my chest.
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Old December 7th, 2016, 05:20 PM   #7
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

@auser_name I can assure you that you are not the only one that is chained by family. We are basically living in a doll house where we are seen as mere extensions of our parents and expected to conform to the family's ideals. The expectations that we have to live up to is crazy and nothing is ever good enough... To our overlords emotions are felt by the weak and emotions have no part to play in the way we lead our lives. But they seem to forget that we are only humans and struggling.

We are all slaves in this new age.
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Old December 8th, 2016, 05:18 PM   #8
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I completely agree and couldn't have worded it better. it both comforts me and saddens me that I am not alone in this bout. I hope you can over come this as I wish to do one day. Good luck to you
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Old December 8th, 2016, 09:59 PM   #9
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by auser_name View Post
I completely agree and couldn't have worded it better. it both comforts me and saddens me that I am not alone in this bout. I hope you can over come this as I wish to do one day. Good luck to you
TBH I doubt that we that overcome this per se since the stress is caused by family. All we can do is to live with it unless we can change our parents views which can be challenging. Feel free to chat with me if you need support in this aspect. Sometimes the ever increasing emotional baggage that is chained to us and ever deepening physiological scars can feel too much. Good luck and stay strong. Remember that your happiness matters too.

We are all slaves in this new age.

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Old December 9th, 2016, 07:25 AM   #10
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Not that this makes things any easier to deal with, but I don't think how you feel is uncommon. I think most of us feel like we never satisfy our parents but also have a feeling like we need to do just that. And when you don't get any kind recognition or feeling like you have done anything good or satisfied them or feel your actually like a part of a family or bring herd or what ever.....it sucks.

But like ben is saying. We need to live our own lives seperate from them as well as together. We came from them so I think they sometimes think we should have the same views and values. But in reality we're very different people and they don't like to learn that. But to be more like them and not who we really are isn't toeing true to ourselves. Andthat will just cause issues later for ourselves.

So don't yell so loud in a crowded room. Just try to talk at a normal calm volume. If they don't listen shame on them. If they do, cool, maybe they'll learn something. I found I get farther with calm normal spoken words than yelling. A lot like how I learned yelling gets a better response than hitting. Guess I became somewhat civilized. So try doing for you and not so much them.

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Old December 9th, 2016, 08:08 AM   #11
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

You don't get it. It's the way of how sometimes kids of "privileged" back ground treated. Both by society and by family. Others only get to see the perfect image. We "shout" because we are kept in a cocoon placed in a spider web at the mercy of being manipulated based on our overlord's whim. Every single action we do is always analysed, judged, compared and then corrected. It is hard to understand unless you have been placed in that scenario before.

Btw we are shouting from our soul and not verbally as to do anything more is frowned upon. Among the best of us, our face will never convey our thoughts/emotions and remain mask like with a warm and cheerful smile. We are expected to be understanding of others but somehow others are not expected to do so for us. This is just one of the many expectations that we face and are supposed to fulfill. Each time we bring up a topic, even repeatedly, if deemed trivial will always be brushed off with a laugh. Almost as if we are being stupid. It is rare to even be given a chance to be heard.

We can't just leave the family. We may not be around but they will find us and probably punish us for doing so... Besides that has been the case for many generations so it has become almost a tradition. Those from UK may have it way worse than others from other countries given how family tradition usually overrides everything including logic.

I think most of us who grow up in such kind of families just simply end up getting high functioning depression. To others we appear to be high achievers with every thing in life going for them but internally we are just a mess.

We are all slaves in this new age.

Last edited by bentheplayer; December 9th, 2016 at 08:31 AM.
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Old December 9th, 2016, 01:16 PM   #12
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Thank you ben. Maybe it would do me some good conversing with someone going through the same thing
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Old December 21st, 2016, 02:47 PM   #13
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I know I haven't posted here in a while. It was meant to be a daily thing for me to relieve, something. I don't quite know what but I was always told that getting my feelings out would help. So thats what I planned on doing. Not sure wether I'm allowed to but I'm doing this in hopes that I will feel slightly better.

things haven't gotten better since last time. if anything they have gotten worse. I can describe it as anything anymore. Its just an ache. in the centre of my body. I feel numb all the time. I have no idea how I feel about the people in my life. I don't even know if I can even say they rein my life. I fell utterly alone. Thats what I feel. Alone. Trapped in my past. Trapped in the same chapter day in, day out. I never used to feel like this. I used to feel some sort of joy. I don't know what happened to me. I don't even know why I'm writing this now. Its not lucid thought, not coherent. Just rambles. Well maybe this will turn into a routine of some sort. It might help. oh well
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Old December 22nd, 2016, 07:00 AM   #14
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

You can keep this thread going here if you like. There's no rules against it that I'm aware of. You can also get it moved to a diary if you ask permission of a diary owner. Let me know if thatbinterestes you.

Backmon topic, I think we can go through phases of how we feel about things. Puberty does a job on us, and it's not all pubert and sexual related. Puberty can release all kinds of hormones that make us feel all kinds of strange feelings we can't figure out. Make us feel very idk....unusual, different, distant, and seemingly uncaring about all kinds of stuff

It could be something all together different to. Is can't hurt to talk to your PC and let them know how your feeling. It could be a normal easy thing thatbyiur just not aware of that's just a process you don't know about
Could be something more to. So can't hurt to talk right?

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Old December 22nd, 2016, 07:51 PM   #15
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Oh thats great to hear. The diary idea does interest me. Well I guess this is the second day of posting. Bit late this time. Half 12 in London. London. I adore the city. Not many seem to but in fairness to me its all I've ever known. I don't think that has had any impact on the way I feel.So I guess that was arbitrary but oh well. Right now I feel so indecisive. I feel 'normal' in a sense. As opposed to my other post where I was on the brink of insanity. Thats doesn't mean to say I suddenly enjoy my life, I don't. it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the constant scrutiny, the visibility. The inability to have time to my self and just be a normal teenage boy. I guess I lost that opportunity when I turned 18. Ever since then things have gotten even worse. The pressure has increased. My family keep reminding me that I am 'the flag ship of the family' that I have to ensure I keep the name alive, but in keeping their name alive I am dying. slowly but surely.

At the tender age of 18, I'm exhausted. All I want to do is lay in bed all day. Hide myself from the world and never let them see the failure I have become. Yet whilst feeling all this on the inside, on the outside I am just like the others. Everything that I am expected to be. and to this day my greatest achievement has been that I never faltered.

The happiest I have ever been is incidentally the only time I have felt human, and that was with my boyfriend who I have spoke about here before but never in this amount of detail. With him I could be me. I could be the flawed human I am, instead of this perfect creation void of flaws. A being that was respected, even after what he did to me I still love him. I still lay in bed at night wishing he would come back and cuddle with me again. My Parents never met him nor did they know I was in a relationship. They don't even know I'm gay. I wish I could tell them but I'm too afraid to. He's parents on the other hand were accepting. they knew everything and I loved that. They had arguments. they were human. but they all loved each other. not the love me and him shared but a precious love all family seem to experience. apart from mine. I remember the times when he and I would lay there for hours together and just talk. About anything and everything. I miss those times. We talked about our future. where we would go, where we would get married (if allowed) and the children we would adopt. God we were do young and stupid and utterly in love. God its late. I guess ill shall finish here tonight.
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Old December 23rd, 2016, 09:27 PM   #16
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Once again I choose to write in the cover of darkness. its quite and safe, far away from the living. The diurnal beings. I never felt like them. I always felt detached. And once again, alone. theres not much to say anymore, but by saying at least something here a day give the illusions of some friendship. I don't have as many as I used to. No. instead I have allies. damn bit more useful than friends, but its a lonely life. Powerful and fee but lonely. I would rather be a working class man who has to work 5 days a week then live like this another day. Oh well. thats me off tonight.
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Old December 26th, 2016, 08:07 PM   #17
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I feel I may end this now. I don't see how me preaching my sorrows helps me or any other for that matter. So I guess this is farewell from me.
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Old December 27th, 2016, 03:33 PM   #18
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

I've changed my mind. For some reason I had some comfort in knowing I had a place to talk here. I don't know whats wrong with me. I've been getting worse and worse. Every day becomes longer and longer, and the pain ever more becomes unbearable, and the sad aspect is, I don't see it getting any better. I just see it getting longer. More painful.I hate myself for saying this but I can only see one way out of this pain. It's extreme, unforgivable, but I don't know what else to do. My future holds nothing but the same daily routine. I am utterly alone. There is no one I can confide in. There is no one who would Bothe to help. And yet the whole time I feel guilty for writing this because I can only see it as self pity. Well thats what I have always ben told. "Stop feeling sorry for your self, that could it possibly achieve? Stop being so repetitive". I would like the stance of legally questionable materials such as drugs on this site. I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to express on here. I'm tired. I guess I'm done for the night.
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Old December 27th, 2016, 06:16 PM   #19
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

If you're this far into the darkness, maybe you'd consider speaking to a counselor?
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Old December 29th, 2016, 12:46 PM   #20
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Default Re: I don't know what to do anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anniebanannie View Post
If you're this far into the darkness, maybe you'd consider speaking to a counselor?
I've had more counsellors than I can count, and not those NHS ones that schools provide to those unfortunate enough to go through this without the help of money. God. I feel so pretentious saying that. Maybe if I had discovered this site sooner I may not be as bad as I am now. Most of this torment I feel is from years of finding myself behind a false smile, but then again, even if I did scowl I don't think people would have noticed and even if they did I doubt they would have cared anyway. All so caught up in there stocks and upper class life. God I hate it. I hate it all. So cruel and unfair. Ive never been able to be my self. Only on here. Here the anonymity allows me to speak freely of my sexual desires for the same sex. Allows me to speak of my envy for the lower clearly happier classes. I hate myself for saying that. It makes me sound so arrogant. I feel as if I'm saying I am better than everyone else but I don't feel like that. I feel awful.
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