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Old November 3rd, 2017, 01:39 PM   #1
Kooy
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Join Date: April 3, 2017
Gender: Cisgender Male
Default Eating physically hurts me

I mean yes im in a state where it hurts to beating.... That being said.... When I eat or drink anything and it doesn't matter how much, or what it is, at times my saliva does it to me. I don't know if it is a result of being under anasteasia so many times in a row, or if it's because i had a tube down my throat everytime i was under anasteasia, but every time i eat or drink i get this hiccup/burp. Its the most painful reflex my body could possibly do to me right now in the state im in.... I take that back coughing or sneezing sounds like it would put me back in the ER laughing did put me into tears and another anxiety attack... Anyway when i eat or drink and this happens all the mussels around my wound tence up and spasm. It feels like im being beat with a baseball bat -Something i just happen to know.... Believe me... Aluminum bats hurt worce...- my body is punishing me for eating. I had to get blood work done today, they are worried my kidney is failing. (While i was there i got weighed. 147lbs) I stood up and it hit me. It was sorta like a head rush but infelt more high. And i got vary tiering and slured. The nurse. Who is one of the vary few to have never seen me before (I happen to be one of the frequent flyers that don't beg for drugs. Im a frequent flyer because my body has tryed to kill itself sence day one of my life) she thought i was afraid of needles. Until my mother explained that i have gone though 7 surgeries in the past few weeks and then she seen my arms are covered im beuses and needle pricks. (I look like a herowin addict) anyway to get to my point. I use to just not eat. I would forget food is a thing. I never would think about food, I would never obsess or anything. I never liked looking at pictures of food, the images of food are boring to me. If I could go a life completely devoid of food I would. I simply don't care about food, and I hate the consept of having to eat to sustain myself. Think of me sorta like Purl from Steven Universe. Now for my maine point. After all my surgerys i feel slightly different with food. I still feel the same way with it. Exept now I fear eating. I fear drinking water. I have panic attacks (smal ones but my anxiety has really skyrocketed form all this....) I put off eating and drinking for as long as i can..... Despite getting yelled at. I hate being yelled at because my mother can particularly get vary vulger and nasty to me, but I honestly am willing to put up with her words over that hiccup/burp because... Imagine being stabed in your lower back to where you could look inside your kidney, moving hurts breathing hurts and then suddenly someone out of nowhere hits you right where you got stabbed with a bat. Thats how the best way to put this. My doctors know about this. They say they can't give me anything for it so I guess asking for medication is as usless as a mockingbird bashing its scull into a brick wall trying to attack its reflection in the glass... (I seen that happen when i got out of the car in the at the doctors office today)



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