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Old November 3rd, 2016, 08:44 PM   #1
ItsJustSomeone
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Name: Winona Sylvie
Join Date: November 3, 2016
Location: I live in Willy Wonka's factory. Perhaps I'll move into Neverland sometime.
Gender: Female
Unhappy Help, I'm breaking a little

I've always been known to be a very bubbly, creative person with ambition and spirit. But, it isn't always this way. And sometimes, I stay alone in my room, silent, no thoughts, no feelings-- just, quiet. Quiet, numbish anguish. It's cheesy, but no other words can really describe that emptiness. It seems that's the only peace I get.

I started a new school year a little while ago, and it's been wreaking havoc on me. Due to recent events, I've lost all my confidence. I have very low self-esteem. I don't think I'm worth it. I'm not as beautiful as the rest, and I don't think the same way many others do. People tell me I should embrace my individuality, respect the rare essence which I possess, yet I find it very hard to convince myself to do so. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I can't feel loved by myself or anyone.

I used to have a close group of friends, but over time, distance has taken its course within our relationships. I had to leave my best friends because our friendships became unhealthy. Between constant criticism, fighting and manipulation, I decided enough was enough for me. I dumped them straight off the bat and went on. I feel I'm much better off without them, but I miss talking about my passions, making bad jokes and asking for advice to/with someone the way I used to. I just feel so lonely. It isn't the worst of my problems, but it only makes things worse. The friends I have now I feel use too much small talk about video games and homework-- I want to talk about the universe, aliens, art, everything beautiful in this world-- with a little bit of nice spice, of course. I'm a big chatterbox.

And a lot of times, I plague myself with worry. I know I'm smart, but my confidence is so low and my worries so overwhelming I end up procrastinating to no end. I've missed a lot of work lately. Slowly, my grades are dropping. My mind seems to haunt me with thoughts of anxiety and sadness. I'm scared of everything. I overthink it all. Why didn't they say hi? Am I not enough? Are they better than me? They're better than me.

And I just can't do this. I'm squeezing out every piece of strength I have. I'm trying.

I think about death sometimes--I've never actually gotten to that point, because although a piece of me wants to just leave, I want to live. And death is a scary kind of permanent. I have gone through the pain of losing someone this way, and I'd never wish that sorrow on anyone, nor curse anyone myself with it, either. Plus, my problems are rather underwhelming for that. I still have hurt myself a little, though. I hate myself for it. There's a lot worse in this world than my problems. And I feel guilty for what I feel. I have a loving family, a stable home, I'm healthy, and yet I'm still like this... and, I hate myself for it.

But I can't really help it. I want to get better with this. I want to be happy. I just need something or someone or whatever. i don't know anymore.
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Old November 4th, 2016, 06:02 PM   #2
Microcosm
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Default Re: Help, I'm breaking a little

@ItsJustSomeone

What you're going through is very normal. In your teenage years, depression that has no clear reason spikes up all the time.

I'm depressed right now as well and, thinking about it, I probably shouldn't be. I have many friends, but I've lost just one, really important one and it makes me feel as if all those other friends don't exist at all and I'm just completely lonely. That being said, I'm aware that this is a depressive spike.

I too am smart, anxious, and depressive. For the record, comparing yourself to others can cause some serious problems. When you say others are "better than" you, it sort of worries me.

What is "good" is entirely relative and subjective. We see the bad in ourselves before we see the good most of the time. The people you see now, at least a large portion of them, have the same depressive tendencies that you have now. They just don't show it.

It's interesting how well some people can hide it, but try this thought experiment:
Imagine you were totally happy with your condition in life. You had plenty of friends, you made all A's, and you had no random bouts of depression. Everything just worked. You don't feel bad at all.

In this perfect condition, where is the humanity? It is too good to be... well... good. In a way, our depression builds us up and exposes our true humanity. Where would we be without our emotional connections in reality? We'd be essentially lifeless.

I hope this makes sense. It's a thought I mull around with every time I get depressed. There is something about that sadness that just makes everything feel more real and human.

You seem like a pretty good person, no doubt. I do hope you feel better, but if not, try to think about what all of this says about you.

Does depression really make you weak? Most would say yes immediately, but taking a closer look, it seems that we need to break down before we can truly feel stronger. That's the human condition, and your depression is a step in the direction of being a better human being.
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Old November 4th, 2016, 08:36 PM   #3
DefinitelyNotY
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Default Re: Help, I'm breaking a little

Like the post above me, I think that is very common to deal with depression in adolescence, it also help us to deal with it in the future, when a hard depression could destroy everything.

I think people have told you "Just be yourself, and you will gain confidence from that, and with time, friends" well... I think that's bullshit.
Confidence is the thing that will help you to be yourself in a expressive way, and also will attract people.

And I've been in the exactly same position as you, with a hard depression and almost no friends, and I was there over 5 months, but there are some things(or actions) that helped me a lot:
-Do very small things to build confidence, try a new sport, write an essay about one of your passions(beautiful things in the worlds sounds great for this)
-Try to talk to a stranger in your school, it's going to be stressful, probably is going to be really awkward, but believe me, after 2 or 3 times,this will help you, a lot.
-Don't worry about overthinking things, it's common, just try to stop that thoughts, or at least, don't let them influence you.

to be fair, you've done a huge step about this, you try to find help, yes, this could be a simple forum, but even here, a lot of people(including me) are willing to help you!

PS: Sorry for my really bad english, it's not my first language
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Old November 5th, 2016, 01:45 PM   #4
ItsJustSomeone
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Name: Winona Sylvie
Join Date: November 3, 2016
Location: I live in Willy Wonka's factory. Perhaps I'll move into Neverland sometime.
Gender: Female
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Microcosm View Post
@ItsJustSomeone

What you're going through is very normal. In your teenage years, depression that has no clear reason spikes up all the time.

I'm depressed right now as well and, thinking about it, I probably shouldn't be. I have many friends, but I've lost just one, really important one and it makes me feel as if all those other friends don't exist at all and I'm just completely lonely. That being said, I'm aware that this is a depressive spike.

I too am smart, anxious, and depressive. For the record, comparing yourself to others can cause some serious problems. When you say others are "better than" you, it sort of worries me.

What is "good" is entirely relative and subjective. We see the bad in ourselves before we see the good most of the time. The people you see now, at least a large portion of them, have the same depressive tendencies that you have now. They just don't show it.

It's interesting how well some people can hide it, but try this thought experiment:
Imagine you were totally happy with your condition in life. You had plenty of friends, you made all A's, and you had no random bouts of depression. Everything just worked. You don't feel bad at all.

In this perfect condition, where is the humanity? It is too good to be... well... good. In a way, our depression builds us up and exposes our true humanity. Where would we be without our emotional connections in reality? We'd be essentially lifeless.

I hope this makes sense. It's a thought I mull around with every time I get depressed. There is something about that sadness that just makes everything feel more real and human.

You seem like a pretty good person, no doubt. I do hope you feel better, but if not, try to think about what all of this says about you.

Does depression really make you weak? Most would say yes immediately, but taking a closer look, it seems that we need to break down before we can truly feel stronger. That's the human condition, and your depression is a step in the direction of being a better human being.
Thank you for your thoughts! They're rather insightful, and I appreciate your perspective, it really helped. You're right, depressive bouts like this can actually make someone stronger. I'm hoping I'll feel better soon enough. Regardless, this whole thing has helped me appreciate my life more, even if it's not all good. Everything has a purpose. I hope you feel better as well; there's some good for everyone in store. I've learned to just tell myself everything will be okay-- and for the record, such a vague wish actually does come true. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DefinitelyNotY View Post
Like the post above me, I think that is very common to deal with depression in adolescence, it also help us to deal with it in the future, when a hard depression could destroy everything.

I think people have told you "Just be yourself, and you will gain confidence from that, and with time, friends" well... I think that's bullshit.
Confidence is the thing that will help you to be yourself in a expressive way, and also will attract people.

And I've been in the exactly same position as you, with a hard depression and almost no friends, and I was there over 5 months, but there are some things(or actions) that helped me a lot:
-Do very small things to build confidence, try a new sport, write an essay about one of your passions(beautiful things in the worlds sounds great for this)
-Try to talk to a stranger in your school, it's going to be stressful, probably is going to be really awkward, but believe me, after 2 or 3 times,this will help you, a lot.
-Don't worry about overthinking things, it's common, just try to stop that thoughts, or at least, don't let them influence you.

to be fair, you've done a huge step about this, you try to find help, yes, this could be a simple forum, but even here, a lot of people(including me) are willing to help you!

PS: Sorry for my really bad english, it's not my first language
Thank you for your suggestions, they're all great! I really appreciate your willingness to help me in such a rough time. I needed that. i'll try my best to implement some of these things in my life. New friends are always a tough one, but it'll work out in the end, I'm pretty sure. And, don't worry about your english, I've been in your shoes before! Your english is great.

Double posts merged. Please use the edit or multi quote button next time. ~Lost Horizon

Last edited by Endeavour; November 5th, 2016 at 01:54 PM.
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