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Old October 19th, 2016, 08:02 AM   #1
Equinox1
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Join Date: September 2, 2015
Gender: Transgender FtM*
Unhappy I'm scared...(schizophrenia?)

I am in my late teens and I'm absolutely terrified, of my own brain. I've had mental health problems all my life and I started to get better for a few years but now I'm back to square one. Some problems I have now are even worse than when I was a kid. I'm so scared. I don't even know what's wrong with me. What mainly creeps me out is when I get these...episodes of total paranoia, usually accompanied but visual and auditory hallucinations as well as severe delusions. This is going to get really dark and I apologize. Usually, I'm afraid of mirrors during this time. I get afraid because I start to think that reflections might be able to break out and they want to hurt me. I know that sounds silly but last time I was literally in the fetal position with scissors and a little cross from a necklace, I had to turn my music up loud to try and distract myself. I didn't want to hear any voices. I don't anymore but I used to when I was 13 or 14. I used to hear people calling my name, crying, singing, footsteps, whispering, etc. I don't think that the mirrors could really hurt me but I'm always scared, just in case it is real. There's also two people who aren't real, at least not physically, I know that the effect they have on me is very real even though I must've made them up because you can't see or hear them. I still get the feeling that they could be real, I can't convince myself that they're definitely not.

One is just evil and I know at one time, he was a personification of my intrusive thoughts. So, it was like someone was telling me all these things instead of them occurring in my mind. He was supposed to be my imaginary friend when I was 12, which is old for an imaginary friend but I never had too many real ones and I was lonely. It started out okay but I guess I got a bit obsessed and he became like a tulpa but not a good one. That meant I could feel him touching me and sense his presence. I don't like to think about him too much because it brings him back. I'm starting to get afraid of him again, I wasn't since like 14. I'm afraid he'll be under my bed or in my closet.

The second one is my shadow and I won't say his name. He's supposed to be my protector and if I stay close, I'm not supposed to be able to get hurt. But he always tells me (in my mind) that I have to do what the bad hallucinations tell me or I'll get hurt, usually they say to cut myself or take pills. I'm starting to worry about who's side he's really on.

My mind also tells me to do bad things. It tells me that my depression is normal and I can see the world clearly, I don't need my drugs because everyone's trying to trick me into false security. I think that I've died and everyone is trying to keep me happy, keep me alive and this is all a coma or something. I think that this mustn't be real. My mind says to kill myself to wake up...I'm scared that my parents are going to kill me. Sometimes I hide sharp objects, my mom has an anxiety disorder and I'm afraid she'll break one day. My dad used to abuse me and I'm afraid that if I make him mad, he'll kill me. I'm afraid that there's going to be a shooting at my school (so much so that I don't want to go to school) and I swear I can predict the day, even though there's only been one recorded school shooting in my country. I swear that there are hidden cameras in my house, I even asked my mom about it but how could I really trust her?

I've also convinced myself that my parents had surgery performed on me as an infant, to make me into a girl. I think I did ask them that before. It's because my genitalia matches up more with that which is constructed through vaginoplasty than "natural" female genitalia. I swear that something must have happened. Or I'm just very abnormal. I'm afraid that there are chips or bugs under my skin too and that my meds are placebos, my mind says to throw them away. I once swore that I must've been literally from outer space because I don't look nor act human. My moods are awful. Very high and then very low. I'm never tired. I think too often, going through multiple subjects at once. I hate it. My mind goes too fast and I can't concentrate. I have this weird hand-wringing compulsion and multiple stims (like autism) that I use to burn off some of the energy.

Does it sound like schizophrenia or something else? I'm so afraid to talk about this with a psychiatrist because I guess this makes me insane...
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Old October 21st, 2016, 02:56 AM   #2
Uniquemind
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Join Date: April 1, 2015
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Default Re: I'm scared...(schizophrenia?)

It's schizophrenia.


I think learning to meditate will help calm you, and to have a totem to help root you to reality, kinda like how inception does it. An object that you can hold or play with to use that restless energy to play with, which also tells you what is reality and what isn't.

But the drugs are necessary, and you should take them.
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Old October 21st, 2016, 07:21 PM   #3
Godsdaughter
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Join Date: October 20, 2016
Location: The earth
Gender: Female
Default Re: I'm scared...(schizophrenia?)

*hugs* I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you
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