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Old October 1st, 2016, 10:03 PM   #1
Gabe_Is_Confused
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Default Should I contact Child Services about this?

Woah. I haven't posted on here for a long time now. Hate for my first post back here to be so grave., but, it's pretty important.

So, my friend (we'll just call him "Dave") got into a scuffle with a teacher last Friday at school. His mom found out and is now threatening to make him switch schools.

What was problematic was the texts she sent to him.

Dave sent the conversation he had with her in a group chat. Here's the whole conversation: http://imgur.com/a/QspjK (Warning: There is a LOT of profanity in it)

Dave is ONLY 14 years old, same age as me. Could what his mom is doing to him count as child abuse, and if it is, should I report it to my local child services? Thanks in advance for any advice.

14 year old, cisgendered male with a moderate amount of things to say. Feel free to contact me!

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Old October 1st, 2016, 11:19 PM   #2
chris01J
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

I would for sure, it sounds like his mom has some major anger issues, and maybe some drinking ussues cause shes WAY out of line. No mom should ever say things like that to her kid, no matter what he/she did.. I sure hope "dave" really does go to live with his dad. I have a friend that is a girl who's dad treated her much like that, and it completely ruined her. she's got anger issues now also like her father and is drinking daily and shes only 17. I dont know who to tell you to talk to, but maybe try showing that to someone at your school? or even show your own parents. if you care about your friend try and do something, your not going to hurt the situation by trying. Edited to say yeah, i totally think that is abuse, mental abuse
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Old October 2nd, 2016, 05:38 PM   #3
Gristo
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Hi Gabe,

How are you ?

First off, thank you for sharing your concerns. This situation is particularly complex, so it was very clever to seek for advices. I also admire your desire to help your friend, it shows how much you care for him.

I read the whole conversation, and I would say that it could be emotional / psychological abuse, because the words his mother used could potentially have a negative mental impact on him.

I have a few questions for you, so I can understand and help better :

-Do you know how was their relationship before the event ? (Did he mention anything about previous conflits / abuses, do you know if they were close ?)

-At the beginning of the conversation, she says he has been ‘ungrateful’ and ‘selfish’. Do you know what led her to use those words ?

-Have you noticed how he is when it’s time to go home ? (For example, after school ? )

-Does he seem to have a good self-esteem ?

-Do you know how is his relationship with his dad ?

-How does he feel now ? Have you or someone spent time with him since he shared the conversation ? (Does he seem to be distressed ?)

-What did he say about the situation ?

-Is he aware that you would like to help him ?

-Is he living with his dad now ?

Now, you asked if you should contact your local children or family services departments. To answer your question, I would say it depends on how you feel about reporting the situation by yourself. Would you prefer to ask an adult you trust ? (teacher, relative, doctor, psychologist, etc.) It could be safer to do so. Normally, it is possible to report suspected abuse anonymously over the phone, if you call a family services department.

You have to decide on how you would like to proceed, but I think that it is legitimate to be concerned about your friend's well-being. Also, I don’t know how it works in the US, but in Canada, the Child Protective Services normally investigate to determine if actions need to be taken. Just keep in mind that no one deserves to be abused, so it is safe to report the situation if you feel that something is wrong.

Finally, about my previous questions, I understand that you might not want to share details publicly, so please feel free to contact me in private if you prefer.

Have a good evening ,

Simon

Last edited by Gristo; October 2nd, 2016 at 08:29 PM. Reason: words replacement
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Old October 2nd, 2016, 10:34 PM   #4
Uniquemind
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabe_Is_Confused View Post
Woah. I haven't posted on here for a long time now. Hate for my first post back here to be so grave., but, it's pretty important.

So, my friend (we'll just call him "Dave") got into a scuffle with a teacher last Friday at school. His mom found out and is now threatening to make him switch schools.

What was problematic was the texts she sent to him.

Dave sent the conversation he had with her in a group chat. Here's the whole conversation: http://imgur.com/a/QspjK (Warning: There is a LOT of profanity in it)

Dave is ONLY 14 years old, same age as me. Could what his mom is doing to him count as child abuse, and if it is, should I report it to my local child services? Thanks in advance for any advice.
It's definitely verbal abuse but idk if it meets the standards of physical abuse.

It's not healthy, but no parent should expect their child to work with today's restrictions on labor laws.

Most employers do not allow 14 year olds to work, I know because I could only do small inconsistent babysitting jobs when I was 14.

16 really is when MAYBE you can get some work, and 18 is when the floodgates open for that.

Until then school is the priority so that is your job.

If a parent is upset redirect anger to the rich banking system.

But if you are asking her to buy stuff stop that.
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Old October 2nd, 2016, 10:43 PM   #5
Mars
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uniquemind View Post
It's definitely verbal abuse but idk if it meets the standards of physical abuse.

It's not healthy, but no parent should expect their child to work with today's restrictions on labor laws.

Most employers do not allow 14 year olds to work, I know because I could only do small inconsistent babysitting jobs when I was 14.

16 really is when MAYBE you can get some work, and 18 is when the floodgates open for that.

Until then school is the priority so that is your job.

If a parent is upset redirect anger to the rich banking system.

But if you are asking her to buy stuff stop that.
OP isn't the one who's mother said that, it's his friends.

Agreed with the first part about school being your main responsibility at the age of 14. However, what's with the last part? Why's it wrong with asking your parents to buy you things every once in a while? If I didn't ask, I would never have clothes or sports equipment

---

As for OP, the second it turns physical, tell your friend to report it. As for right now, there isn't much that can be done except ignore it. Their mother is in the wrong and shouldn't have taken her anger out in that manner.

"The head may err, but never the blood.
Nice salt pouch, asshole
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so if he pulls these shenanigans again, I'm whipping out the long dick of the law on him

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Old October 2nd, 2016, 11:32 PM   #6
Gristo
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mars View Post

As for OP, the second it turns physical, tell your friend to report it. As for right now, there isn't much that can be done except ignore it.
Waiting till it turns physical before they decide to report it would be risky. They could rather prevent a potentially dangerous situation from escalating into physical confrontation or injury. It would be safer, as her messages were very agressive.

Also, if it has de-escalated, I think that work would still be needed to learn good communication strategies and to improve their relationship. (Depending on how it is at the moment)

Last edited by Gristo; October 2nd, 2016 at 11:35 PM. Reason: Correction
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Old October 2nd, 2016, 11:34 PM   #7
Mars
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gristo View Post
Waiting till it turns physical before they decide to report it would be risky. They could rather prevent a potentially dangerous situation from escalating into physical confrontation or injury. It could be safer, as her messages were very agressive.

Also, if it has de-escalated, I think that work would still be needed to learn good communication strategies and to improve their relationship.
I don't think the police/CPS would or can do anything yet if it isn't physical. Idk tho, would have to look it up.

Agreed with the second part tho

"The head may err, but never the blood.
Nice salt pouch, asshole
Quote:
Originally Posted by StoppingTom View Post
so if he pulls these shenanigans again, I'm whipping out the long dick of the law on him

~Endeavour was here~
~Mike Was Here~
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Old October 3rd, 2016, 01:01 AM   #8
Uniquemind
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gristo View Post
Waiting till it turns physical before they decide to report it would be risky. They could rather prevent a potentially dangerous situation from escalating into physical confrontation or injury. It would be safer, as her messages were very agressive.

Also, if it has de-escalated, I think that work would still be needed to learn good communication strategies and to improve their relationship. (Depending on how it is at the moment)
With a parent like that I don't think there's much hope.

@Mars I don't know the triggered phrase that set that friend's mom off like that. Perhaps something really "smartass" was said that broke the camel's back ya know? I try to be fair to both sides, I've had some heated arguments with my parents too but those were always resolved amicably, and such fights were never physical and it wasn't a pattern.


Like what is this "scuffle" this "Dave" got into a teacher with? What was that argument about because technically as students are supposed to be doing our work, and we need to have the right attitude when dealing with teachers. If you have a problem with a teacher make sure it's within the rules, and escalate the concern professionally to the school psychologist or the vice-principal and make sure the concern is legitimately not a "young person whining" concern. Make sure the complaint has merit, and perhaps legal merit if you can.

Last edited by Uniquemind; October 3rd, 2016 at 01:05 AM.
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Old October 19th, 2016, 02:27 AM   #9
Shock96
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mars View Post
I don't think the police/CPS would or can do anything yet if it isn't physical. Idk tho, would have to look it up.

Agreed with the second part tho
At least in the US, they are able to do something about that. It seems like the parents are divorced or separated, and things like this (emotional/mental abuse) can play heavy roles in deciding visitation.

Other than visitation, emotional abuse/neglect can be reason enough to be taken out of that environment. The difficulty is that it's often really hard to prove, but these text messages will really help prove that.

It's really not a good situation, if Dave gets treated like this a lot, and this wasn't just a one-off event that she has apologized for, then I don't think he should be living with her at all. No decent mother would ever say things like that. I recommend talking about this with a school counselor, your parents, teacher, etc. You do not have to give them names if you don't want to, but they can give you good advice on what they think should be done. Hope he gets the help he needs, and you're a good friend for caring enough to ask about him. He's lucky to have a friend that cares about him! Keep us updated on what you decide.

Matt

I've been around the block a few times... feel free to check out my blog for info. If you want advice or someone to talk/vent to, I'm here!
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Old October 20th, 2016, 07:25 PM   #10
Godsdaughter
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Default Re: Should I contact Child Services about this?

O.M.G. It makes me sick that anyone would send something like that to their son. That is just....unbelievable. I really admire you for caring about Dave so much. You are a great friend.

If he is living with his dad now, then I would just leave it. If he is still with his mom though, I would call child protective services. Its dangerous to wait until it turns physical.
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