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Old August 21st, 2016, 08:24 AM   #1
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Name: Aaron
Join Date: November 3, 2014
Age: 19
Gender: Cisgender Male
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I've been fighting back urges recently, they've started tickling at my wrist in particular. The suicidal urges are coming back, the will to live is again becoming hazy.

Don't worry though, I don't want to die either, and overall, as I'm a logical person, I see it as more logical to just go through with everything and see what happens, because I may not get another chance.

I just want to kind of vent my feelings right now. I'm an absolute paradox:
I don't want to die; I want to die
I hate myself; I love myself
I'm a failure; I'm a genius
My future is uncertain; I'm going to become a doctor
I'm happy; I'm not
I'm one person; But I'm many
Within my head lies one mind; Raging within lies Legion, for they are many
I am content with all I have; I wish I had more, so much more
I have good friends and family; I'm alone in this world with nobody to share my life with
I know myself; I know not who I am

I don't know. I'm just rambling, I know that. I just want the chaos, the tempest within to die down and finish. I don't want the relief that I used to get, I don't want to go back there, even as tempting as it may be, even as my flesh trembles and boils with the itch to cut once more, deeper and with more malice than ever. I just want peace.

Hey guys, this is partially for me but also for anybody else who may want it; my diary:

For those who care: I've changed my username, I used to be Doc. Maestro
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Old August 21st, 2016, 08:35 AM   #2
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Name: Peanut
Join Date: February 25, 2014
Location: Crescent City
Gender: Neutral
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: [Trigger Warning](?) Urges

I understand what you are talking about. I feel like that a lot, too in certain phases of my bipolar cycles.

It's hard to tell you what to do to feel better. For me I just try to relax and in the end somehow it works out but I haven't found any real cure since all the feelings come back a few months later.
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Old August 21st, 2016, 10:55 AM   #3
Just JT
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Name: JT
Join Date: June 27, 2015
Location: Kingdom of God
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 4
Default Re: [Trigger Warning](?) Urges

Yeah I agree with @Peanut_ here. I think some of what you say we all go through degree. The difference is to what degree and what you choose to do with that e edgy....

Can I offer a suggestion?
You wrote some words there in a list
You could pretty easily write that into a poem ya no?
Productive positive distracting energy

Voted most likely to wind up in jail
2017 VT Awards
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Old October 21st, 2016, 04:07 PM   #4
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Join Date: October 20, 2016
Location: The earth
Gender: Female
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I understand that need to find peace. I used to feel like that too, up until May 16 2014. That was the day that I found peace. How did I find peace? Through Jesus. He is the only one who can bring you true peace that will last forever
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Old October 26th, 2016, 09:49 AM   #5
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Name: Josh
Join Date: August 3, 2015
Location: UK
Gender: Male
Default Re: [Trigger Warning](?) Urges

I'm quite the logical person so I understand what you mean. It's like when you're a kid and you manage to balance the light switch; a walking contradiction. The fact you want to continue to see where this goes is a positive sign, and it also shows control. You might not feel it, or believe it, but I promise you it is. Trust someone you've never met or spoken to before, things will look up. It may be tomorrow, it may be a year, it may be 20. And that can be daunting. But you can do many things. I'd recommend music, and recently I've taken to finding quotes- it sounds stupid but from shows or song lyrics I like and relate too. I'd tell you not to hide it, but being realistic you will only tell people you really trust. That could be no one or lots of people. But if you can distract yourself, you'll see what tomorrow brings.
Hope this helped
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Old November 13th, 2016, 09:07 PM   #6
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Name: Sean
Join Date: January 25, 2014
Location: New Jersey, USA
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: [Trigger Warning](?) Urges

I understand what you mean. I also feel like im constantly struggling to fight against myself. I feel like when im around others i feel okay, but when im by myself im just beating myself up

Sean/17/ Bi-curious
I play video games all day. Recently I have been playing Overwatch, Smite, and Pokemon!
Feel free to add me to talk about anything
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