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Old August 3rd, 2016, 11:41 PM   #1
Periphery
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Default Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

So basicly, I've been feeling like shit. My anxiety has never been this high, I can't sleep, I can't relax and I can only pretend to feel good. My parents keep triggering me time on time again, laugh at my social anxiety and my OCD. I'm in the US with them so I'm stuck here.

This all started when school ended. I had nothing to do. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to meet. I was bored and depressed and that led to my relapse. I kept on feeling worse daily and it never got any better with the way my parents were/are acting.

Basicly they can never do anything wrong and when I say something that they don't like they get mad. Everyday. Everytime.

When someone touches my neck I instantly shiver and just feel extremely uncomfortable. My dad knows this and jokes around by doing this. When I tell him to stop my mom gets mad at me, why? Well why not I guess.

This is not everything though, I feel trapped. I feel like my life is worth nothing, I don't do anything with friends, I never talk to any of my friends, I get in fights with allot of people and I'm generally disliked by my classmates. They judge me because I have a short temper. Because of my music taste, because they don't know me, the real me. I can't be myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. My personality is all over the place.

So is my anxiety. Some days I feel really good and I'll feel really good in public, within 2 minutes my mood collapses and I can barely walk properly because my legs feel weak, because I feel weak because of how anxious I get.

The reason I am doing 'okay' when it comes to self harm is because there isn't anything sharp available to me. I'm fucking pathetic. I keep looking for ways to self harm. I feel like I fail everyone who supports me everytime. I just don't know what to do.

I try to come over as the nice and supportive friend while I can't even be happy myself. I try to support my friends but I don't give a fuck about my own mood. Why should I? Everyone makes me feel like I'm a bad person anyway. Because people in my school would rather hurt me than getting to know the real me.

I am breaking down. My mood is getting worse and worse, I feel numb, I have no energy left and I don't feel excited for anything. I feel like a failure, a pathetic little cunt who doesn't even have more than 3 actual friends in school.

I hate my life. I'm not suicidal, I'm just fucking tired of this shit. I wanna be happy again. I want people to stop judging me. I want people to realise who I am, I want to be nice, but when someone pisses me off I loose my shit. I have anger issues and can easily act without thinking about what I'm saying or doing.

I have hurt people before and I still do. I feel guilty everytime but it keeps on happening time on time again. I'm fucking pathetic.

-end of rant-

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

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Old August 4th, 2016, 02:36 AM   #2
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

@The Special One I can relate to so much of what ya say and I totally understand how ya must feel. And being kinda trapped due to the vacation I understand how this makes it even worse.

Downside I can't give ya any good advice on what to do. As I said I can relate to a lot ya said, go through lots of shit myself and dunno what to do.
So I could give ya the you can do it and stay strong pep talk but since I don't believe in it myself atm... I just say I hope it gets better again soon for you somehow....yea not helpful I know.
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Old August 4th, 2016, 03:08 AM   #3
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

@The Special One,

Your parents should take this stuff more seriously. If they won't help, you'll have to take it into your own hands.

Have you tried to obtain professional help? I think the first step is to curb that anger problem. That can always lead to bad things and a professional can help with that.
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Old August 4th, 2016, 06:41 AM   #4
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

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Originally Posted by The Special One View Post
So basicly, I've been feeling like shit. My anxiety has never been this high, I can't sleep, I can't relax and I can only pretend to feel good. My parents keep triggering me time on time again, laugh at my social anxiety and my OCD. I'm in the US with them so I'm stuck here.

This all started when school ended. I had nothing to do. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to meet. I was bored and depressed and that led to my relapse. I kept on feeling worse daily and it never got any better with the way my parents were/are acting.

Basicly they can never do anything wrong and when I say something that they don't like they get mad. Everyday. Everytime.

When someone touches my neck I instantly shiver and just feel extremely uncomfortable. My dad knows this and jokes around by doing this. When I tell him to stop my mom gets mad at me, why? Well why not I guess.

This is not everything though, I feel trapped. I feel like my life is worth nothing, I don't do anything with friends, I never talk to any of my friends, I get in fights with allot of people and I'm generally disliked by my classmates. They judge me because I have a short temper. Because of my music taste, because they don't know me, the real me. I can't be myself anymore. I don't know who I am anymore. My personality is all over the place.

So is my anxiety. Some days I feel really good and I'll feel really good in public, within 2 minutes my mood collapses and I can barely walk properly because my legs feel weak, because I feel weak because of how anxious I get.

The reason I am doing 'okay' when it comes to self harm is because there isn't anything sharp available to me. I'm fucking pathetic. I keep looking for ways to self harm. I feel like I fail everyone who supports me everytime. I just don't know what to do.

I try to come over as the nice and supportive friend while I can't even be happy myself. I try to support my friends but I don't give a fuck about my own mood. Why should I? Everyone makes me feel like I'm a bad person anyway. Because people in my school would rather hurt me than getting to know the real me.

I am breaking down. My mood is getting worse and worse, I feel numb, I have no energy left and I don't feel excited for anything. I feel like a failure, a pathetic little cunt who doesn't even have more than 3 actual friends in school.

I hate my life. I'm not suicidal, I'm just fucking tired of this shit. I wanna be happy again. I want people to stop judging me. I want people to realise who I am, I want to be nice, but when someone pisses me off I loose my shit. I have anger issues and can easily act without thinking about what I'm saying or doing.

I have hurt people before and I still do. I feel guilty everytime but it keeps on happening time on time again.

@The Special One I think o know how you feel. Not completely bit to some degree. I really do t think anyone can truly understand how someone else feels. Cause we all different.

I've had a very violent and aggressive past myself, I've overcome most of that in the past year. It's involved a few fights sinse I was placed where I live. I sense therapy, medications, and a rigid plan of identifying triggers and coming up with a responce plan to avoid anything bad that will,let me regress.

It's important your parents are on board. If not, your not going to have the support you need. Simple as that. They are your front line supporters. They need to be on board, before and more than anyone else. They need to be able to identify things that are bothering you befor you know they are. If there not on board then talk to your counselor or who ever you talk to for help with that.

Out of school, and in a different country, yeah, I'm sure your feeling very isolative. I would to. When first place in my home I knew nobody. Last month of school, across the state, knew nobody. And I started out fighting, so didn't make any good friends by summer. Was really hard. Lots of anger spilling over. I read a book. Reading did help. It's a true story. Helped out some things into perspective. Not all, but some. Called "Reality Boy". It's an easy read. True story, very angry kid. Yale a look and read up on it on line. I'm sure you can get in on the road no problem if you want.

About fighting and stuff. Nothing you don't know already. It'll only cause bad things to happen in your life. Where I am now, I'm actually held accountable for my behavior and actions. I've been in I think 3-4 fights since I been here. 2 are known, and didn't end well. I got me Ima week in a mental hospital. Well actually that had a good outcome. At the end I was taught a lot about myself and some real cold skills on how to cope. And they work. Not the way I'd recommend to go, just saying, didn't hav all that dab of an ending. The other fight was earlier this summer and a lot worse. I'm faced with legal charges, and that sux. My case seemed cut n dry, self defense, or somi was feeling told. But next court date is coming soon. Not having a warm fuzzy feeling here.

Sorry to rant on your thread here, just trying to offer a little bit of light into my experiences of recent events of how I've dealt and how I've improved. Yeah, that's improvement for me. Could go on but that's story telling. What I'm really trying to say is this is something you really can't go it alone. You'll need help and support. The fighting and violence as much at people anger you, you need to chameleon it. And it might be different routs you use to. Picked up 1 idea I use daily from that book. Got me a speedball hung from the ceiling in the basement. Punch the living shit outa that pretty much everyday. It works for me

If you needa chat let me know I'm usually around as you know, sorry for the long read, just a little somethin somethin I know about, and am willing to share with anyone if it will help them
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Old August 4th, 2016, 07:58 AM   #5
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@The Special One,

Your parents should take this stuff more seriously. If they won't help, you'll have to take it into your own hands.

Have you tried to obtain professional help? I think the first step is to curb that anger problem. That can always lead to bad things and a professional can help with that.
I have had a therapist before. I can't. If I get a therapist again I will have my phone checked completely and loose VT forever. It has happened before. I try to work in the anger problem, but I simply can't because of my parents. There's a little backstory to this though but would rather not get into that. I simply can't get a therapist.

@Just JT As I said above, I can't get a therapist. I don't have access to pofessional help without having everything taken away from me. I don't have people outside of VT who can or will support me. There is not a single person outside of VT I trust enough to tell them. I also feel isolated back home. I simply have nobody in school I actually trust allot. I spend time with people I call 'friends' just so I'm not alone. I feel like almost everyone has a more interesting life than I do back home. I don't do shit, nothing ever happens. They are all so happy and I'm not. Also I'm more verbally agressive, I often say things that hurt people in allot of ways. Not just a little insult here and there. Things I'm ashamed of. Things that make people feel badn

@Peanut_ You took the time to reply, that already means allot to me, so thanks.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:18 AM   #6
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

I've been in a similar place. When I first placed here, they monitored my on line activity with a fine tooth comb. Not just my parents, therapist and case worker to, or somi was told. There was simply no privacy at all for me. And a few times I had my devices taken away. One time they went a bit over board and logged into a forum I was a major contributor of and went through my diary and edited out a shit ton of content. Pictures I shared with people (not of me) places I'd been and stuff, thing I had done, any personal stuff someone could pick up on. When I hit back to it, just wasn't the same. So yeah I do get that.

But....tbh, I've seem your posts, and you don't do anything nasty or anything. I've ised forums as like a therapeutic tool, like we're talking here. I've found it very helpful, very helpful, and fun. Meet a lot of new people. It's not the same as people irl. We all do need some irl contact.

So I guess what I'm saying is why would your phone and access to vt ba taken away cause you wanted to talk to a therapist? I mean, mine recommended I join one....maybe not this one but still....
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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:23 AM   #7
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I've been in a similar place. When I first placed here, they monitored my on line activity with a fine tooth comb. Not just my parents, therapist and case worker to, or somi was told. There was simply no privacy at all for me. And a few times I had my devices taken away. One time they went a bit over board and logged into a forum I was a major contributor of and went through my diary and edited out a shit ton of content. Pictures I shared with people (not of me) places I'd been and stuff, thing I had done, any personal stuff someone could pick up on. When I hit back to it, just wasn't the same. So yeah I do get that.

But....tbh, I've seem your posts, and you don't do anything nasty or anything. I've ised forums as like a therapeutic tool, like we're talking here. I've found it very helpful, very helpful, and fun. Meet a lot of new people. It's not the same as people irl. We all do need some irl contact.

So I guess what I'm saying is why would your phone and access to vt ba taken away cause you wanted to talk to a therapist? I mean, mine recommended I join one....maybe not this one but still....
Well that's actually a completely different story but I'm not going to post that here now. Would take me way too long for that. I didn't want the therapist. I was forced to the therapist.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:25 AM   #8
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

Would you like to talk in pm about this stuff?
I have a little time before I need to go
Send me one if you'd like to, and I'll reply, it's more private obviously
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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:32 AM   #9
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

you are not pathetic man. you have a lot of legitimate problems that you do not have control over. people just can't "get better" from stuff like anxiety or depression. you know better than I do that's not possible.

I really do want to try to give advice, but I am not sure what would be the most beneficial thing for you to hear. all I can say is keep trying your best, which I know you are.

In the comedy movie What About Bob (if you need a laugh, try finding it. it is a little older, but I think it is hilarious), the doctor in the movie writes a book called Baby Steps, which is simply about taking small goals one step at a time.

don't try to do too much at once. every victory is a victory no matter how big or small. try not to sell yourself short man. this is in a insanely tough battle your going through and it will take a long time before it will get better. but the fact your trying says you have not given up. keep fighting the good fight, as difficult as it is. the fact you are still trying shows you are no where near pathetic.

on a different note, if a therapist is not an option right now, when your 18 or when you are able to, at that point, I would respectfully suggest you see one. some of these battles are too big for us to overcome. we need to see someone more expedience. and that's ok, that is what they are there for. I understand being worried about losing VT when it may be your biggest outlet right now. I can't tell you what you should do or not, but when you are able to, when 18 or whatever, a therapist/counselor could possibly do a lot of good.

keep fighting the good fight bud

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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:34 AM   #10
Periphery
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

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Would you like to talk in pm about this stuff?
I have a little time before I need to go
Send me one if you'd like to, and I'll reply, it's more private obviously
Nah it's okay. Thanks though.
@SethfromMI When I'm 18 I can't just move out though. Turning 18 in feb and will go to college/uni in a year. Might move out then, not sure though. I am trying to fight it, but some people just make it impossible to. I want to be happy but I can't. I keep on trying but break down all the time over and over again. I'm scared of a therapist. I'm scared I won't be able to say everything. I'm scared of people judging me for going to one.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

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Last edited by Periphery; August 4th, 2016 at 08:43 AM.
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Old August 4th, 2016, 08:54 AM   #11
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Nah it's okay. Thanks though.
@SethfromMI When I'm 18 I can't just move out though. Turning 18 in feb and will go to college/uni in a year. Might move out then, not sure though. I am trying to fight it, but some people just make it impossible to. I want to be happy but I can't. I keep on trying but break down all the time over and over again. I'm scared of a therapist. I'm scared I won't be able to say everything. I'm scared of people judging me for going to one.
There are some foolish people who would sadly make fun of you for seeing a therapist, but I think a good majority of people these days realize the benefits of seeing one if you do need help. In that situation though, if you decided to go, you would know your doing it for you and to get you help and in that situation you basically have to say f*** what other people think and your doing it to get the help you need.

With the fear of a therapist, there are so many different ones out there you will have some choices. it may take time getting used to before you will tell them everything, but the great thing about them is they are helped trained to bring some of that stuff out. it is also a great environment to talk because under most circumstances they are required by law to keep what you say confidential.

I understand the current situation does not allow you to see one. I understand if you choose not to see one at all. at the end of the day, you will/won't see one for me or anyone else, but it is a decision you have to make for you.

I understand people do not always make life easy. that is one thing I can relate to. we can't control others and some people make a bad situation even worse. and I know in your situation, it is even harder to say control how you respond because I know with what you are going through, it makes an already difficult task that much harder.

sadly, there is a long road ahead. I wish I could say otherwise but you know it too. you do say you are trying though and that is really what is important. as long as you keep trying, you can't be defeated.

I do hope things get better for you. I hope you continue to have an outlet (even if VT is that outlet for right now). I hope you will have more people in your personal life who you can rely on and will walk beside you on this.

It may see bleak for you, but I promise, it is not over. you haven't given up yet and I just want to stress you never do. as long as you are willing to try, there is hope things can get better for you. I just wish those good things would be able to come your way sooner

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~ Seth
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Old August 4th, 2016, 09:14 AM   #12
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There are some foolish people who would sadly make fun of you for seeing a therapist, but I think a good majority of people these days realize the benefits of seeing one if you do need help. In that situation though, if you decided to go, you would know your doing it for you and to get you help and in that situation you basically have to say f*** what other people think and your doing it to get the help you need.

With the fear of a therapist, there are so many different ones out there you will have some choices. it may take time getting used to before you will tell them everything, but the great thing about them is they are helped trained to bring some of that stuff out. it is also a great environment to talk because under most circumstances they are required by law to keep what you say confidential.

I understand the current situation does not allow you to see one. I understand if you choose not to see one at all. at the end of the day, you will/won't see one for me or anyone else, but it is a decision you have to make for you.

I understand people do not always make life easy. that is one thing I can relate to. we can't control others and some people make a bad situation even worse. and I know in your situation, it is even harder to say control how you respond because I know with what you are going through, it makes an already difficult task that much harder.

sadly, there is a long road ahead. I wish I could say otherwise but you know it too. you do say you are trying though and that is really what is important. as long as you keep trying, you can't be defeated.

I do hope things get better for you. I hope you continue to have an outlet (even if VT is that outlet for right now). I hope you will have more people in your personal life who you can rely on and will walk beside you on this.

It may see bleak for you, but I promise, it is not over. you haven't given up yet and I just want to stress you never do. as long as you are willing to try, there is hope things can get better for you. I just wish those good things would be able to come your way sooner
The problem is I'm extremely sensitive to these people. I am easily hurt and I often don't show it. I actually barely show my emotions to anyone. Just wanna thank you for your reply, it really cheered me up a bit so yeah, thanks.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
-Marilyn Manson

Android? We can't be friends sorry!!!!!
-Proof Bob is a peasant

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Old August 4th, 2016, 10:03 AM   #13
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The problem is I'm extremely sensitive to these people. I am easily hurt and I often don't show it. I actually barely show my emotions to anyone. Just wanna thank you for your reply, it really cheered me up a bit so yeah, thanks.
no problem man . I know it is much easier said to not let it bother you than to actually do it. I know I can have that problem too. glad I was able to bring some comfort

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Old August 4th, 2016, 12:13 PM   #14
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@The Special One
I can relate to a lot of this. The important thing is you are not giving up. I'm in a similar school situation, really tough, but think about it: if they don't want to know the real you, they're probably not worth getting to know. As for your parents, that's unacceptable; they should be supporting you, not increasing the magnitude of the problem. Hang in there for the rest of your trip and do the best you can. You can always talk to me about anything that goes on and I'll do my best to be there for you. I don't have much advice as I'm kinda still going through the same thing, but I hope I've helped a little.

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Old August 4th, 2016, 12:32 PM   #15
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@The Special One think @SethfromMI makes some good good points to. I get being afraid of a therapist. It's scared the shit out of me. Think the reason is cause you know deep down inside, what's guna happen. And you know it's guna hurt, you just don't wana face those things. You'll probably feel like you just can't do it and don't know how you'll get past this or that.

But taking the first steps are the hardest tbh, it's saying yeah I need help. I think most people are not all that judgemental about that. I think they'd see it as hey, he's got balls, he knows he needs help, and he's taking charge of a problem he needs help with and running his life. Not let life running him.

In the mean time, till you can get a therapist, your guna have a tough road, just keep your head together ok? Talk to people here. Like I said earlier, it's not therapy here but you got a pretty good bunch of people willing to let you lean on them a while if that's guna help

It is amazing, but yeah, it does work, it does help....
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Old August 4th, 2016, 01:17 PM   #16
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I'm so sorry you're feeling like this buddy Unfortunately I don't have any suggestions on how to make it better! You're not a failure Bram and things will get better and if keeping the sharp things away is working then please keep to it but I'd also try another coping method Remember you can message me anytime you need me


I'm a prettyyy awkward weeb that likes alcohol and punk rock :')
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Old August 4th, 2016, 04:30 PM   #17
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@The Special One

I can't really advise you much on what to do while you're on holiday with your parents in America, but what I can suggest is that you message me whenever you need me okay? You have my Skype. You can get through this, I promise you.

devotionnel ~ help and advice moderator
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Old August 4th, 2016, 05:01 PM   #18
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Same here bro, my skype is in my profile
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Old August 4th, 2016, 11:02 PM   #19
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Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

Just going to make a reply for all of you in general so yeah ^^.

Readin trough these I smiled, I really did. Thanks to all of you. I just want to say thanks to you all for being there foerme, it really means allot to me to see these replies and well, you guys cheered me up.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
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Old August 4th, 2016, 11:07 PM   #20
Amethyst Rose
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Join Date: May 27, 2016
Location: The Crystal Garden
Gender: Cisgender Female
Blog Entries: 22
Default Re: Breaking Down (potential trigger warning)

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Originally Posted by The Special One View Post
Just going to make a reply for all of you in general so yeah ^^.

Readin trough these I smiled, I really did. Thanks to all of you. I just want to say thanks to you all for being there foerme, it really means allot to me to see these replies and well, you guys cheered me up.
I'm so gld I could cheer you up Bram! Knowing I made you smile made me smile. x) You will get through this, I know you will.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
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Gawd dammit the mods r so cruel.
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I just food and I still have a hungry.
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