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Old July 19th, 2016, 11:26 AM   #1
devotionnel
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Default Giving up

Guessing that this'll sound really petty and selfish, but hear me out. Just kinda need to vent and I can't really do that with anyone right now.

My life at school is starting to fall apart bit by bit. I break up for summer holidays tomorrow, which is all fine and dandy, besides the fact that it currently makes me very anxious because it'll give me 6.5 weeks to mull over everything and get myself into a state every day until I get back to school early September.

My personality is such that I have to constantly please others and make them happy, and I get very depressed when I piss someone off/ upset them. It stresses me out a lot, not to mention that I more often than not lose sleep over such trivial things. My best friend of 1 year and 9 months has given up on me for good, this happened not even 30 minutes before initiating this thread. She's been there for me through everything and I need her and love her so much, and I've messed up everything for good with her now. The other people in my friendship group (besides 1) I'm certain also hate me, because I've been accused of things that I know aren't true and it's been making thsee couple of days hell because people won't shut up about it. I constantly get looked at, which may sound normal and commonplace, but I now get stared at more so and it's very unnerving. It triggers my anxiety and I sometimes get panic attacks just because people look at me.

I recently got into a relationship, and my (now ex-)bestfriend really didn't like it because she "hated him" for no apparent reason. I like him a hell of a lot, and I really don't want to mess things up for him and cause him more stress but they've been constantly arguing over the last 2 weeks because of me. She says that I spend too much time with him than the group, but honestly in these last couple days I'm pretty sure they want me dead so I don't know why she complains about it anyway. Yesterday, she got with my ex and my first crush which really hit a nerve. Me and him hate each other, but honestly I don't talk to him and I have no plans on doing so just to argue about things, there's no need for it.

So yeah, mini breakdown occurring. I really want to get out of it okay (and alive, that'd work too) and also stop self harming because I've picked that back up too. So my list is pretty heavy right now. Thanks for reading, I guess.
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Old July 19th, 2016, 11:49 AM   #2
Mars
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Default Re: Giving up

It really fucking sucks that your friends are turning their backs on you like that, but honestly, fuck them. If they don't want you to be happy, and if they want to judge you, then there's no use in feeling sad or depressed over losing them. You're better than that and you don't deserve that type of treatment. Though yes, you may feel upset that you're "making them feel bad", again, you don't deserve that and they don't deserve you.

I'm glad you've got a boyfriend now, maybe talk to him about your problems? Since you don't want to "mess things up", just keep it light. If you really like the guy, then don't like your ex friends bullshit and jealousy and judgment get in the way.

Also, if you're having really bad anxiety around people and their stares, just try to stay as calm as you can. Take deep breaths, count to 10 in your head, listen to music, whatever you do to just calm down and relax. Be glad that break starts tomorrow, that way you don't have to deal with all that bullshit.

I don't really know what to say about your self harming because I'm really bad at talking about this stuff, but there's plenty of methods to help you stop (again). Try to think of reasons why you shouldn't, before you do. Like think of things that make you happy, or think of plans for the next day, anything to get your mind off of it.

You'll be okay

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Old July 19th, 2016, 01:41 PM   #3
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Default Re: Giving up

Well I think you need to just go about your life and put the past behind you. You have to go with your gut feelings and follow your heart. If it feels right to you then the heck with what others say. Friends and peers can be so mean. You are at that terrible age where people are so unsettled and unsure what they want in life and relationships. So hang in there and do your thing and don't get so uptight about others. They will either come around or they weren't your friends in the first place.

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Old July 19th, 2016, 07:24 PM   #4
Microcosm
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Default Re: Giving up

@twentyonehorizons,

It sounds like your "friends" might be jealous. It happens, sometimes. If they continue to act like that, though, then they're likely not very good friends. The fact that the one girl is now your ex-bestfriend means you probably already know this.

While I don't feel that I constantly have to please people, I do get quite depressed when I piss someone off—even if I know or believe I know that I'm right. I've had some times like that where I thought about it for weeks, and even months. Although, the more serious and recurring feelings of depression caused by pissing someone off were earlier on, years back. Now, I'm a bit better at dealing with it and it will at most last for a few weeks, but usually it lasts for a few days. That being said, I know how you feel on that front.

Being the nerd that I am, I like to analyze situations over and over again in my head. This can produce a positive response to the situation, but many times it will only depress me, which makes me analyze it again, continuously.

It is very possible that you could be having a mood swing. I had one of those the other night and it was the first time I ever really categorized it as a mood swing, or as a chemical imbalance. I knew it was because I realized for the first time that I couldn't just make myself be happy. The next day, I thought about the exact same thing that had me depressed in a mood swing the day before, and I was positive about it, meaning my mood had swung back around.

If this sort of stuff bothers you at night, my best advice would be to take a sleep aid and try to push it aside long enough to go to sleep. This doesn't mean you have to make yourself happy going to sleep; that can be very very hard while depressed and it's particularly hard if not impossible during a mood swing. What I do mean though is to just sort of work towards a temporary indifference that allows you to get to sleep, clearing your mind, etc..

Best of luck to you on this, Shanie. I think about this kind of stuff a lot and the mechanics of it, so I could perhaps provide useful advice in these situations. You can contact me if you want to talk about it whenever.
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Old July 20th, 2016, 01:38 AM   #5
devotionnel
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Default Re: Giving up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mars View Post
I'm glad you've got a boyfriend now, maybe talk to him about your problems? Since you don't want to "mess things up", just keep it light. If you really like the guy, then don't like your ex friends bullshit and jealousy and judgment get in the way.
I took your advice and tried to dabble lightly in the current situation and how it's been going to him. He had the same thoughts as you: fuck them, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life right now. I guess he was right, on some levels. My last day is today (leaving after this post ) so for now I will just be civil and chilled out about things, hug them, say "have a good summer" then leave.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mars View Post
Also, if you're having really bad anxiety around people and their stares, just try to stay as calm as you can. Take deep breaths, count to 10 in your head, listen to music, whatever you do to just calm down and relax. Be glad that break starts tomorrow, that way you don't have to deal with all that bullshit.
Music would be a godsend in school! Unfortunately phones and earphones are banned, so I have to keep them in my bag while I'm on school grounds which is unfair imo. Luckily I don't have a lot of plans of going out in summer (unless it's to someone's house) so I shouldn't really run into people from school, if I'm lucky. Just need to get through this last day I guess so I don't end up having some kind of fit whenever someone even looks in my general direction haha.

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You'll be okay
Thank you, Mars. Your help was much appreciated, especially with the panicking side of things. I'll definitely take your advice into consideration today

---

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Originally Posted by Microcosm View Post
While I don't feel that I constantly have to please people, I do get quite depressed when I piss someone off—even if I know or believe I know that I'm right. I've had some times like that where I thought about it for weeks, and even months. Although, the more serious and recurring feelings of depression caused by pissing someone off were earlier on, years back. Now, I'm a bit better at dealing with it and it will at most last for a few weeks, but usually it lasts for a few days. That being said, I know how you feel on that front.

Being the nerd that I am, I like to analyze situations over and over again in my head. This can produce a positive response to the situation, but many times it will only depress me, which makes me analyze it again, continuously.
I honestly know exactly what you mean when you put this. People tell me "to stop caring so much" and that "I'm too nice to people who don't deserve it" and even though that is the case in some circumstances I find it difficult to not be nice but when I am I can get very mean and horrible, but some people honestly deserve it.

I also over analyze situations, with pretty much everything, including tasks I do everyday (like getting changed, eating etc) and it continuously gives me a pessimistic and cynical outlook and that's something that's on my list for improvements. Because I'm constantly overthinking things, I usually end up late; and me being a very anxious person and always early to everything I'm usually earlier than I'm supposed to be but I'm also later than I expected, which is very annoying haha. Anxiety and being constantly pessimistic really doesn't mix well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Microcosm View Post
It is very possible that you could be having a mood swing. I had one of those the other night and it was the first time I ever really categorized it as a mood swing, or as a chemical imbalance. I knew it was because I realized for the first time that I couldn't just make myself be happy. The next day, I thought about the exact same thing that had me depressed in a mood swing the day before, and I was positive about it, meaning my mood had swung back around.
Yeah, I'm very susceptible to mood swings. I got them especially early to mid-2015, and it was constant, multiple times a day. I managed to get myself out of it last year but I guess with me constantly getting more stressed than usual, I've started to get them again. Yippee.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Microcosm View Post
If this sort of stuff bothers you at night, my best advice would be to take a sleep aid and try to push it aside long enough to go to sleep. This doesn't mean you have to make yourself happy going to sleep; that can be very very hard while depressed and it's particularly hard if not impossible during a mood swing. What I do mean though is to just sort of work towards a temporary indifference that allows you to get to sleep, clearing your mind, etc..
Yeah, sleep's all I need right now. With school I haven't been able to get much more than 4-5 hours a night and even though I managed to live on that at some point last year it's really taken a toll on me. I'm planning to get a lot more sleep in the holidays hopefully without a sleeping aid because I worry most about school so I shouldn't really need the aid but I might have to use it if push comes to shove. I really do plan on getting out of my slump in summer, though. So hopefully my sleeping should get back into a good pattern when this blows over.

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Old July 20th, 2016, 01:50 AM   #6
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Default Re: Giving up

Honestly, me and you have the same mentality. Im not happy, unless Im making someone happy. Ive faced so much in my life, so much, and it gets hard at points, but you can break through it. I tried so hard to tell people this, but sometimes it doesnt get through, and they.. leave. I really hope you understand that life loves to kick you while youre down, but rewards you if you fight back.. I can't count how many times Ive had the noose ready, and then, in one fianl act, ripped it down. Ive got to prove Im stronger, and I know you can. I trust in you. I often write poetry to help ease the pain, or draw, so try to find a hobby c: My wattpad is in signature, and I leave it there just in case anyone wants to read through it.

Im just Wattpad and Panic! Trash Wattpad: Shanesthatwriter
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Old July 20th, 2016, 04:58 AM   #7
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Default Re: Giving up

Sounds like your friends aren't your friends tbh. Move past them with what you have. In life friends come and go, fact of life. And the ones that go, simply don't deserve you as a friend. Cause friends don't do that to friends
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Old July 27th, 2016, 06:20 PM   #8
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Default Re: Giving up

If your friends continually insult and alienate you, they aren't your friends. Get them out of your life.

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