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Old June 28th, 2016, 10:09 AM   #1
Gummy
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Unhappy I hate my life and myself

Hi, things are not going great with me. I hate my life, and I hate myself.

I'm just fucked up in every way possible. I'm just terrible, useless and alone.
I'm not smart, I wish I was, everyone else at school could pay attention and understand easy at the teacher when they are explaining, not me. They can read, understand and remember easily while I don't, I once read just 2 pages for almost an hour and nothing stuck on my mind. I almost failed this year. I'm not sure how the school system works in other countries but my school is very very stressful, I study from 6:30 to 16:30 everyday and sometimes until 17:00 at school, not to mention that there are tons of homework and sometimes tons of tests. In one day we may have more than 3 tests even though that it is against the rules, and no time to study. Even the smart and organized students are freaking out, imagine how I feel.

I have no real friends, I used to but they are gone. In middle school I used to hang out with friends, now it's very different in High school, people are very different here. in middle school I fell in love with this very nice girl, she's perfect. She's the reason I went to this high school, but now I failed. I am losing every middle school friend who goes to the same high school as I am now, I don't mean shit to them anymore.
I still love her, but it depresses me seeing someone who she just met for a month be in a relationship with her, I lost hope.
She also hangs out with some girls and guys, not a big circle but they're decent people to hang out with among the other annoying, unfriendly people in this school. Some of them are from my middle school ,I really want to hang out with them, but I don't mean anything, and the new people do more than I.
In school at recess I would spend time alone, no one would come up to me to talk unless I approach them first, which makes me incredibly nervous.

So yeah, social life is a train wreck.

Now about myself, I really hate myself.
I've seen people my age and below my age with extraordinary musical, literature, artistic skills and has good grades, can do 3D modelling, a technical genius, have lots of friends, etc. Some people have some of that, or maybe even all while I have NONE of that. I tried them all and I get lost and stuck somewhere and I can't progress further no matter what, it feels like there's a line or a limit on what I can do on things.
Sometimes it pisses me off that they say that what they do isn't good enough even though I would literally kill people to be able to achieve what they do.
You must be thinking, "Oh, it doesn't matter if you at least try and is somewhat skillful at them even at the least." right? The problem is even with what I have now, it's not good enough, I'm simply not going anywhere and not accomplishing anything with it, and I know because even people who are skillful than me gets their creation rejected or something.
I don't feel like trying anymore because my depression makes me lose motivation and interest in doing anything. Even when I force myself to do whatever, I feel bad.

I'm getting old and I'm heading away from school and onto college. I'm 17 and I hate getting older. I'm stressing out in my youth how can adulthood be any better? To start off, I don't think my scores are good enough for any high college to invite/accept me, if I could even handle studying in them. My parents want me to study in them, study chemistry or stuff that I'm not interested in. Those are hard subjects and I don't think that I will be able to comprehend them and keep studying there without stressing out. I want to do fun stuff like animating, develop games, maybe even literature, even though I'm not good at them, nor anything. But my parents won't allow me. My brother is already in animation school and won't let me do that too.

I'm depressed, I used to cut, but I stopped since I lost my razors from pencil sharpeners and people think I do drugs because of it.
I used to have a friend online, we used to talk, comfort each other and all that and she's more depressed than I am. I love her so much and is probably the reason I'm living now. Unfortunately, she is becoming more busy and depressed I have not heard from her for so so long. I think she hates me too now since I do nothing but feel depressed. There you go, my only friend gone.

I don't see the point of anything now, I wish I was dead, or that I didn't exist at all, make space for people that are actually useful and meaningful.
People keep telling me to hold on and keep trying no matter what and that it will get better but in reality things are getting worse no matter how much I could try and hold on. I can't take people's words anymore. Maybe it worked out for them, but for now things are getting worse, and there's no guarantee that if I keep holding on, things would get better...

Last edited by Gummy; June 28th, 2016 at 10:16 AM.
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Old June 29th, 2016, 05:01 PM   #2
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

I think you may have a learning disability. My mom has one and what you're saying sounds a lot like what she went through in school. There are tests and treatments for it, so I would strongly encourage you to try to get some testing and help for yourself. I also understand it can have an onset in your late teens.

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Old June 29th, 2016, 08:04 PM   #3
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

You may have ADD. Im ADHD when I don't take my meds I cant think for anything. Otherwise every thing is smooth. Talk to your doctor about ADD

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Old July 1st, 2016, 03:49 PM   #4
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I still can study without those meds even though it's very difficult.

I really am just hopeless am I?
I can't fucking take this anymore, I just want to die, I don't want to feel anything anymore

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Old July 4th, 2016, 04:53 PM   #5
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

Don't give in man. Take your meds if you are supposed to and het everyone is different and we all have different interests and abilities. You also need to pursue want you want and not what your parents want. It is your life and the right occupation you choose to go after should help make you happy and feel better when you accomplish things. Hang in there man and keep trying.
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Old July 4th, 2016, 06:36 PM   #6
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

I agree with @Jamie_n. Keep taking yiur meds. I take a shit ton to, and I hate that I have to. But I also know I hate myself more when I'm off my meds.

Also, some meds take some time to really start working. Maybe like 2 weeks or a month to get the full effect. And sometimes it's not always the right meds or dose, so might even take longer to figure shit out.

Not a huge fan of pills, but it works for me right now, and the important thing is to get you stabilized first, and work from there.

So don't give up, I know it's hard, really hard, been there, just don't give up cause it does get better ok?


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Old July 5th, 2016, 10:31 AM   #7
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I don't have meds and I don't think I can obtain them, I'm haven't been properly diagnosed.

Jamie_n, I AM pursuing what I want, it's just that my parents wouldn't allow me and demand that I study all that other things.

Like I said before, it's not getting better at all no matter how long I hold on, in fact, it's getting worse day by day. Nothing is getting better and there will be a point where I will be just tired and can't hold on anymore, and I think that point is getting closer...
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Old July 5th, 2016, 11:16 AM   #8
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Talk to your doctor at your next well check

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Old July 5th, 2016, 01:48 PM   #9
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gummy View Post
I still can study without those meds even though it's very difficult.
If so, check the amount of similar Posts. I bet the amount of those posts correspond in proportion to the number of the pnis threads.


Quote:
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I really am just hopeless am I?
I can't fucking take this anymore, I just want to die, I don't want to feel anything anymore

imo, you are new at high school or so - you just have get used to it. thats all. new game, new chances ... so see it that way and take your chances.





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Old July 5th, 2016, 03:53 PM   #10
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What? No. This is going to be my last year of school and it's getting harder. This final year will be a nightmare and I'm not sure if I will pass.

School is not the only problem. I'm still hopeless about the other things in life too. I should just end it.
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Old July 5th, 2016, 06:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

Gummy, if you want I can give you my kik or Skype or something and we can just talk and maybe become friends. I'm sure anyone else on this thread would be willing to help you in some way if they could. I really feel for you and just want to help but all I can do from London is speak to you so please let me or anyone else on this website help you in someway even if it is just texting every now and again. Just please don't anything that you will regret. B

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Old July 6th, 2016, 06:30 AM   #12
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Default Re: I hate my life and myself

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What? No. This is going to be my last year of school and it's getting harder. This final year will be a nightmare and I'm not sure if I will pass.

School is not the only problem. I'm still hopeless about the other things in life too. I should just end it.
Well, life's a bitch, it really is.
That doesn't mean you should give it all up though. You have so much left in your life. Find something you are good at, I'm sure there are things.

I don't have people I see as 'true friends' either in my school, just people who I hang out with so I have people to hang out with.

I'm 17 too and I can relate to the growing older feeling being terrible. We're adults next year and well, not much we can do about it. The thing is, age is just a number, it never means you should stop living your life the way YOU want to live it.

Don't let your parents decide what you should study, they shouldn't decide that but you should.

Don't assume someone hates you. Online friends can dissapear, it happens, that doesn't mean they hate you or don't want to stay in touch with you anymore.

If it helps, I've been trough the same stuff you've been trough, and I know how it feels, I relate to so much of the things that you're dealing with.
You do mean something, there will always be people that care about you, like the ones replying to this thread. You don't have to go trough all of this alone.

Also, suicide is never the solution, as everything does get better in the end. You just have to stay strong, even though I know it's hard, but it's not impossible.

When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?
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Old July 6th, 2016, 10:59 AM   #13
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I don't have much really. I can't find anything I'm good at and even there's something I am good at, as impossible as it sounds, it would probably something that I don't enjoy doing.

I have no one to hang out as well, I get deserted if I join some people talking, friends or not. I don't have anything good ahead of me, not at all.

Well what can I do? They won't support me if I study other things, my brother already studies what I want (animation, games, graphics and all that) so my parents demand that I study more serious stuff. I can't say no.

My online friend has been gone longer than usual, and she sometimes says herself that she is sometimes sick of me.

I don't feel like living anymore, I'm sick of trying with no good results, I don't want to feel anything anymore.
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Old July 6th, 2016, 11:40 AM   #14
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Look, this is YOUR life you need to stop trying to live a life that your parents wish they would have had. Live your own, study graphic design. You don't need support, Make the best damn game out there! I know i'll play it

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Old July 6th, 2016, 03:38 PM   #15
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I think it's great you and your brother have the same interests. Maybe if you persued it with him, you'd meet other people with similar interests, and you'd probably start feeling better about so many things here
I don't think anyone can ever make their parents happy, just by doing what they want. You need to do stuff for you, so your happy, and that should make them very happy for you also


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Old July 7th, 2016, 08:23 AM   #16
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Yeah, cause it's so fucking easy saying fuck you to their decision, go study without money to enter, and live knowing your parents are so disappointed in you.

Besides, even if I study all those fun stuff, I don't even know when to start, like I said I can't do anything.
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Old July 8th, 2016, 04:05 AM   #17
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The school I'll bet can give you some help with those things. I'm sure you aren't the first guy to go there feeling like you do. I mean some of it is probably just not knowing and all this shit you need to do and just don't know how to get it all done. Big stuff, if you don't know about it it's hard to kinda break it down into smaller tasks or goals that are realistic to obtain. So talk to them first ok?


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Old July 8th, 2016, 01:20 PM   #18
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I fucking hate myself.I fucking hate myself.I fucking hate myself

Why am I so inferior compared to everyone else around me? It depresses me seeing people my age and under my age accomplish things and be good at things while I'm not good at anything. I've tried and forced myself to do things but nothing ever came of it. I've been taught music lots of times through primary school and middle school (9yrs) and I can't play musical instruments, can't read notes, can't nothing. I've been drawing ever since I've touched a pencil and something to draw on but right now I can't improve anymore and like I said, everyone and people younger than me has better ones, and what I have now isn't good enough for anything either. I'm not interested nor physically fit for sports. I suck at video games, and everything else I'm not interested in at all.

I hate it, makes me feel ashamed of myself and I just can't get over it. How can people my age and people younger than me accomplish more things? Worst of all is that these people say that what they do now is not good enough. I'd kill my fucking friends, or even family to be able to do what they do. I fucked up and there's no fixing it anymore. I'm about to graduate and there won't be anytime soon to pick anything up. Even if I do get a talent slowly, and manage to have it when I'm like 60 years old or something, there won't be any use then. Trust me, I've tried over and over and it feels like nothing changes at all. Or even if I am good at something and I don't realize it, I won't be interested nor proud at all. Like maybe who'd want to be with someone whose talent is professional nose picking or being lazy? There won't be a job nor anything. I'm not sure if my learning disabilities are also why I can't do anything either. Being a jack of no trades, and not being able to improve at anything, sucks.

Life is so fucking unfair, I wish it would just end soon.

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Old July 8th, 2016, 01:27 PM   #19
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Dude your not inferior to anyone, nobody is. In sorry you feel that way. Maybe you just haven't found your nitch yet is all. There's so many things people can do for pleasure and work, unlimited options. And just because you don't think it's good enough doesn't mean that's correct. Also, it's pretty common to like something and suck at it. From there it's either practice, or move onto something else and try that.


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Old July 8th, 2016, 01:36 PM   #20
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That's the problem, I've tried everything and I'm not accomplishing anything. If I haven't found my nitch then I would never do, because I'm out of options. If I'm forced to do or be good at something I'm not interested at, then I'd rather not, life is fucking cruel.

Like I said, I practiced and for years, almost a decade in some things, and I show very little to no progress, and from there it seems like I can't continue further at all. What I do isn't good enough because nobody else likes it.
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