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Old May 8th, 2016, 04:25 PM   #1
Abhorrence
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Default I don't know... (trigger warning)

I've not cut in a fair while and for some reason I just want to do it, so badly. But I don't want to do it for a particular reason, like I don't feel the urges to do it - which is weird. I just want to get a razor blade across my wrists, I just want to have open wounds again, I want to have blood. It's so weird to feel this way, I don't even want to feel the pain like I usually do; I don't feel like punishing myself... I just want to bleed. I want there to be a million cuts lining my body and I want them to gush out with blood. It's so soothing thinking of it, just sitting there slowly slicing away at my skin.

I miss it, so much. I miss that self-destructive nature I had. I want it back so badly and I'm sitting here questioning why the fuck did I stop? Was it for me? Or was it so that I would seem "better"? Just because I don't have these damned wounds on my body anymore, just because the scars are slowly fucking off (not really but still...) it doesn't mean that my mental health is any better. If anything, it is so much worse. I feel like shit constantly, I haven't had a manic episode in quite a while - I just simply sit there crying and then suddenly snap out of it, feeling jolly as a fucker. But I sit there laughing and laughing at the fact that I want to die. I don't think I'm made for this earth.

I don't even know what the fuck I am writing anymore, it's like this keyboard is ink and I've slapped my head onto it. Don't know what that metaphor is either. I just want to bleed is my main summary. I want to bleed and fucking die and I am poisoning myself slowly with alcohol and blackening my lungs every second.

Will I regret this in the future? I can't see why I would. I'm so fucking broken. I'm not going to be around for much longer, I'm not sticking around. I know that I won't. My pathetic fucking life will be wiped from the face of the earth one day soon. I can't take another year.

I can't take this fucking life.


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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elysium
Spooky scary labia
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Old May 8th, 2016, 05:07 PM   #2
ethan-s
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

wow. sorry you feel this way- if you need support, we're always here!
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Old May 8th, 2016, 06:01 PM   #3
Microcosm
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

@Abhorrence

What's making you feel so bad? Is there something specifically or is it just general depression?

Try to think about the good things in your life. The people. The things your lucky to have. All of that.

You seem like a great person. You're just depressed. It's totally normal to be depressed, but all I can tell you is to try not to let it get to you too much and, if it ever does, just come here and rant. Usually ranting helps.

Also, music is a really good way to get away from it all. Maybe buy yourself some good headphones and just listen to something that takes you away from the world for a bit. Maybe try meditating even.

There are different things that help different people cope with depression. Those are just a few.
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Old May 9th, 2016, 07:12 AM   #4
Abhorrence
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Microcosm View Post
@Abhorrence

What's making you feel so bad? Is there something specifically or is it just general depression?

Try to think about the good things in your life. The people. The things your lucky to have. All of that.

You seem like a great person. You're just depressed. It's totally normal to be depressed, but all I can tell you is to try not to let it get to you too much and, if it ever does, just come here and rant. Usually ranting helps.

Also, music is a really good way to get away from it all. Maybe buy yourself some good headphones and just listen to something that takes you away from the world for a bit. Maybe try meditating even.

There are different things that help different people cope with depression. Those are just a few.
I think I'm having a ridiculously severe depressive episode, I haven't had one like this for quite a while because I've been taking meds to combat it. Therefore, I've been experiencing my hypomanic episodes more often. I dunno why now that it has decided to come back, it's ridiculous because whenever I'm feeling manic I miss the depression and whenever I feel like this I miss the mania.

I guess I've just gotta go to my doctor and ask for a higher dosage.


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Quote:
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Spooky scary labia
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Old May 9th, 2016, 08:30 AM   #5
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abhorrence View Post
I guess I've just gotta go to my doctor and ask for a higher dosage.
I would advise the same. Let your doctor know about your condition. You seem quite low and if the current medication isn't working effectively, the doc would know what to do. Also if you need to talk about anything, you can always ping me



Kudos to The Riddler(Siobhan) for creating the awesome signature!
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Old May 9th, 2016, 01:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Jack please don't do anything that will in danger yourself. Your life isn't pathetic you have plans so make them happen. Please get help and you can always message me
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Old May 9th, 2016, 03:37 PM   #7
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Hey man, haven't checked back here for a while and wasn't going to post until I saw this. I can feel for where you're coming from. After a while the blood and scars littering my body was practically my main focus, I didn't really do it because I needed it at that moment but just because I wanted to and that's when it starts to get dangerous because then there's no trigger and harming will just become something that you do, something normal and it shouldn't be. You're doing so fucking well and soon enough you'll be at 6 months and this will just be another rough patch you're going to have overcome. You've got good things in your life at the moment and it'd be well worth keeping this streak going for as long as you can because honestly, the blood isn't worth the effort of keeping them clean, keeping them covered, having them effect your day for months until they start to scab.

I know you've probably heard it all before but trying things like buying a thick notebook and ripping through the paper with your blades or drawing on your body with red marker may relieve some of the feeling. Like others have said if this isn't just a one off and you're feeling a complete turn in mood go back to your doctor and have them assess the meds. Just try to keep in sight the things that matter and the positives that are keeping you here because I know you've got some.

I've always got your back mate, if ever you need to vent or just want to chat, drop me a message or a snapchat anytime.
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Old May 10th, 2016, 01:07 AM   #8
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

I remember when I first stopped cutting (I managed to be cut free for about 2 years until about 8 months ago), and I'll be honest, that feeling doesn't go away. The important to thing to realise though is that the urges are different. I remember for me I figured out it was because cutting had become part of who I was and to lose that felt like loosing a part of myself, and so even though I wasn't craving it, I wanted to do it. I don't know if maybe that rings true with you too? I also remember thinking once I stop it'll be harder to go back and that I might need it one day in the future. The bleeding is my biggest craving as well, no idea what it is about that.

As for how you're feeling, you really should talk to your doctor. They might be able to up your dose or even change your meds. Different antidepressants work differently for different people and it can be just a case of finding the one right for you.

I know how bloody hard it is to see a future when you're feeling like this, but trust me it can get better. I had almost three years feeling much much better. It does happen. Your life isn't going to stay like this forever. You're probably going to leave home in a few years right? Things are changing and your life is moving on.

Try and keep busy, even if it's just with school work. Talk to your doctor.

You know I'm always here if you need to talk x

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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Old May 10th, 2016, 01:02 PM   #9
Abhorrence
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Thank you for the support everyone, it really means a lot @Fiction, @Desuetude, @Hudor, @twin.
I'm going back to the doctor on Friday, reassessing my meds, etc. I'm dropping out of sixth form at the end of this month and changing to a college in September, because it suits me a lot better and hopefully things will look up. This means I'll have a few months just to myself, to try and get better, etc. If I end up feeling worse, I'm going to admit myself to a mental ward nearby - I need to get better, no matter what.


Nothing will be waiting for you at the end of this life.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elysium
Spooky scary labia
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Old May 10th, 2016, 03:50 PM   #10
Fiction
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Default Re: I don't know... (trigger warning)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abhorrence View Post
Thank you for the support everyone, it really means a lot @Fiction, @Desuetude, @Hudor, @twin.
I'm going back to the doctor on Friday, reassessing my meds, etc. I'm dropping out of sixth form at the end of this month and changing to a college in September, because it suits me a lot better and hopefully things will look up. This means I'll have a few months just to myself, to try and get better, etc. If I end up feeling worse, I'm going to admit myself to a mental ward nearby - I need to get better, no matter what.
No problem lovely. When I moved to college rather than school things improved a lot for me. And I really admire your resolve in getting better. It's really fucking brave to admit you need inpatient if you feel you do <3 Seriously sending lots of love right now x

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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