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Old March 31st, 2016, 08:04 PM   #1
low_on_air
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Join Date: August 9, 2013
Gender: Female
Default He helped me until he got sick of it and now I can't let him go

I just need to tell my story and see what people that don't know me or him think about it.
So me and this guy, let's call him X, both go to the same bar. He was the one to notice that I was not okay and at times I got emotionally drunk (I used to do that a lot during that time) he talked to me, made me feel better, tried to understand. He told me he would be there for me and he told me to text him whenever I felt like shit. He is like 7 years older (19 and 26) and it always felt like he knew exactly what he was doing. At some point when I want really drunk he asked if I had scars on my legs and up until today I still don't know how he knew but from then on he knew about me self harming. But the thing that went wrong is that he never became a friend the way friends should be, I talked to him when I felt down but we had too little contact when I didn't, in fact, I didn't dare to talk to him about other things because I idolised him so much. After a while he told me to stop hurting myself and I told him I couldn't and then he didn't talk to me for a couple of days. I then tried to stop not because I wanted to but because I didn't want to hurt him. It didn't work out.
A few weeks later one of my friends told me he wanted to commit suicide and I had talked to him for hours but he just didn't want to listen so I had a really tough night. That friend went to bed without doing anything, but the next day I got really drunk at that bar. X was there as well, and he was the only one I trusted there at that point. When I had a panic attack I went to X even though I maybe shouldn't have had. X went to the kitchen with me for privacy and when I couldn't say what I needed from him he got really intimidating ("If you have nothing to say, why did you drag me away from the conversation I just had? Just say what you need. Just say it." But in a really intimidating way. As I said he is way older and taller and y'know). When I did tell him he calmed me down and hugged me and all that kinda stuff, but then he said I trusted him too much and he asked if he was allowed to prove it. I said yes. And from there its vague, but he grabbed my throat. And I didn't do anything, so yes he was right, I did trust him too much. He let go but the rest is vague.
He didn't want to talk with me anymore because he didn't trust himself. But this has been 6 months ago and I miss him so much. I still see him at that bar sometimes and we've tried talking about it but my feelings for him don't change. I can't let him go because I think I've started to love him (he also lives together with his bitch of a girlfriend) I idolise him and if I see him he makes me nervous, sad or sometimes happy when he does talk to me and notices my existence. I'm just so sad that I've screwed up in the way that if I wouldn't have used him as my psychologist we could've been friends. And like today he was there for this other girl and he's good to people but he would never help me out in that way anymore. I just don't know how to stop thinking about him and all of this has been half a year ago. He is also the only one that can still trigger me to self harm even though I haven't done so in months. Actually I think I never stopped self harming because I didn't get his attention unless life didn't go well for me. I just really screwed up. Does anyone have advise? And sorry if this story is too long or even not complete enough because it just really is a long story
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Old March 31st, 2016, 08:28 PM   #2
Ainsleyshea
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Name: Ainsley
Join Date: January 3, 2014
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: He helped me until he got sick of it and now I can't let him go

well no you haven't screwed anything up you need to tell him how you feel or move on beating your self up over it is just going to put you in a deeper hole than the one your already in it sound like he only interested in you wen your down it like he just wanted to be the good Samaritan
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Old May 1st, 2016, 08:34 PM   #3
Fiction
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Name: Kathy
Join Date: January 17, 2010
Location: London, England
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 5
Default Re: He helped me until he got sick of it and now I can't let him go

What that guy did with holding your throat.... He doesn't sound like the type of person who you should be relying on to help you through this. You need someone more reliable.

Further to that it's never a good idea to solely rely on one person. Dealing with someone who is depressed is hard and exhausting. But from your point of view you need someone about when you need someone. I've been on both sides of this, and I've seen people close to me shut off over and over again when I have an episode. Having multiple people stops the people around you burning out, and it also means in the event they do leave, this doesn't happen.

From the way he acted it sounds like it's best you never became friends. You will get over him, it'll just take time.

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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