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Old December 31st, 2015, 12:51 PM   #1
MadManic
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Default Did my boyfriend rape me?

last night i got really high. Personally when I get high, I lose all sense of time, nothing is really happening, and sometimes I forget what just happened maybe even a couple of seconds ago. I don't know if thats the same for other people but that's how it is for me. I've been raped before so my boyfriend knows you know never to do something unless I specifically tell him I want to, but last night i remember eating ice cream and playing some video games and then I closed my eyes and I vaguely remember his hands all over me and him touching me, it's sort of cloudy in my head. But what I'm really concerned about is that when it started to wear off he said we had to go to Walmart and I asked him why we needed to go to walmart so late and he said we had to get Plan B. AKA the morning after pill. I don't even remember having sex in the first place let alone him finishing inside me. It made me feel so vulnerable and embarrassed even though we have had sex before. I don't remember saying it was okay and I love him so much but now I have to worry about that stupid pill because he had sex with me while my brain could barely function. Is that rape ? I never said yes and I don't think I wanted it but i'm not sure ... i'm so scared
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Old December 31st, 2015, 12:56 PM   #2
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

I seem to recall hearing that you can't give consent when you're high or drunk so even if you clearly remember saying yes then it could technically be classed as rape. That being said, would you really like your boyfriend to be locked up for something that you're not even sure happened or you might have actually given consent to? I mean, it is rape but it's up to you what you do about it.

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Old December 31st, 2015, 03:41 PM   #3
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I agree. Imo, your boyfriend is a total asshole if he actually did have sex with you while your brain could barely function and you weren't really aware of the whole thing and he didn't even use a fucking condom. I'd say he definitely took advantage of you and didn't act like a loving boyfriend should, but then again, I don't know if that could be classified as rape... I guess it's up to you what you do about it. I also hope someone more knowing can analyze this situation and your options a little better, but I'd definitely say you should keep your eyes open for your boyfriend and think this whole thing through, because what he did was DEFINITELY not what a loving boyfriend should do.
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Old December 31st, 2015, 07:35 PM   #4
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

yes hun, that's rape.

I hope that you aren't pregnant because if you are that adds another complexity to this situation (and if you are we are here for you to help you get through this)

I suggest you two having a conversation about what happened and what you expect of each other when either of you is under the influence.
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Old January 1st, 2016, 01:36 PM   #5
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

That's rape legally. You did not give or were capable of giving consent.
I suggest you consider your relationship with him. Hopefully you aren't pregnant as that will complicate things for you.

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Old January 1st, 2016, 03:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

Actually I think in this case state law prevails, as rape is defined by state law and varies.

In this case because it still is possible you consented during you being "high" legally this could not be proven without doubt that he raped you. If in California, this would be legally rape, but in your state I can no clue, and doubt it's considered rape. Consult your state law and legal precedent of similar cases. Or just let this instance be forgiven and watch or avoid drug use in the future.

It still was a inconsiderate move by him, but if he was "high" too then well it is my personal view that when drugs or alcohol enter the picture of a hot an heavy moment to the point where memory isn't being recorded in either person's brain, it should be legally neutral and both individuals should acknowledge they consent to the consequences of getting that high to begin with and any actions that take place.
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Old January 1st, 2016, 10:35 PM   #7
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Actually I think in this case state law prevails, as rape is defined by state law and varies.

In this case because it still is possible you consented during you being "high" legally this could not be proven without doubt that he raped you. If in California, this would be legally rape, but in your state I can no clue, and doubt it's considered rape. Consult your state law and legal precedent of similar cases. Or just let this instance be forgiven and watch or avoid drug use in the future.

It still was a inconsiderate move by him, but if he was "high" too then well it is my personal view that when drugs or alcohol enter the picture of a hot an heavy moment to the point where memory isn't being recorded in either person's brain, it should be legally neutral and both individuals should acknowledge they consent to the consequences of getting that high to begin with and any actions that take place.
I live in Indiana, but yeah it was only me who was high. He said that he asked me if it was okay and I said yea but I honestly don't remember that at all. Then again the whole ordeal was sort of faded
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Old January 2nd, 2016, 01:53 AM   #8
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I live in Indiana, but yeah it was only me who was high. He said that he asked me if it was okay and I said yea but I honestly don't remember that at all. Then again the whole ordeal was sort of faded
In this case then, I would forgive this situation, and chalk up your uneasiness to the downside of being under substances.

Don't do drugs or alcohol anymore on dates or romantic settings, because while you might like the feelings in the moment, ultimately you don't like the loss of control of the self (mind and body).

If he's pushy and manipulative in other ways though, then that's a sign he's just not a good guy for a long term relationship.

If he's the one for you long term, just consider it a kinky memory to laugh about years later.

P.S. I understand your confusion and how to handle this situation, from what I'm told Indiana has horrible sex education compared to say liberal California.

There is also no emotional guidance educationally for situations like this either so I'm glad you found us.

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Old January 3rd, 2016, 01:43 PM   #9
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

While I think he took advantage of your state and didn't use the proper protection while having sex with you without your consent, it isn't totally his fault. You put yourself in this situation by getting high and not being able to consent or not consent.

In a court, this would be very back and forth about being rape or not. So they would probably base it off age and past experiences too. If you're about the same age, had sex more than once before with consent, and now you think it's rape because you were high, they probably wouldn't consider it rape in court.

Hope nothing bad comes of this. Good luck
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Old January 5th, 2016, 04:14 AM   #10
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

If you gave no consent , the answer to your question is a positive.

Be Mellow .
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Old January 5th, 2016, 04:04 PM   #11
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

@MadManic,

Whoa! If I were you, I'd break up with his ass right away. That is abuse and he was totally taking advantage of you and that's B.S.. Perhaps you shouldn't get him arrested because it is possible that it was a slight misunderstanding, but he still took advantage of you nonetheless.

At least talk to him about it. That's probably the best first step to take.
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Old January 5th, 2016, 04:07 PM   #12
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While I think he took advantage of your state and didn't use the proper protection while having sex with you without your consent, it isn't totally his fault. You put yourself in this situation by getting high and not being able to consent or not consent.

In a court, this would be very back and forth about being rape or not. So they would probably base it off age and past experiences too. If you're about the same age, had sex more than once before with consent, and now you think it's rape because you were high, they probably wouldn't consider it rape in court.

Hope nothing bad comes of this. Good luck
okay first of all, the fact that you put blame about this on me shows that you have some seriously wrong things ingrained in your head about what is rape and who's at fault. secondly, i didn't "put myself in the situation" nobody ever does. if you're a girl, who is drunk, and you get raped, you didnt put yourself in the situation, you got taken advantage of. The situation shouldn't have happened in the first place. Girls should have the right to drink and get high just as much as any guy so saying anything was the fault of the victim because they "put themselves in the situation" is really ignorant. I think you should reevaluate how you see these situations because, although i don't want to see what he did to me as rape, i certainly did not PUT MYSELF in that sort of a situation. I got high. lots of people do that. not my fault. I could not consent so that's how it goes.
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Old January 5th, 2016, 08:48 PM   #13
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okay first of all, the fact that you put blame about this on me shows that you have some seriously wrong things ingrained in your head about what is rape and who's at fault. secondly, i didn't "put myself in the situation" nobody ever does. if you're a girl, who is drunk, and you get raped, you didnt put yourself in the situation, you got taken advantage of. The situation shouldn't have happened in the first place. Girls should have the right to drink and get high just as much as any guy so saying anything was the fault of the victim because they "put themselves in the situation" is really ignorant. I think you should reevaluate how you see these situations because, although i don't want to see what he did to me as rape, i certainly did not PUT MYSELF in that sort of a situation. I got high. lots of people do that. not my fault. I could not consent so that's how it goes.
That's true in the idealistic sense of the perfect world of right VS wrong.

These things should never happen, but they do and not all situations are black and white. A LOT of them are communication issues, and they aren't necessarily violent. When you think of crime, you think of someone making the conscious choice to overpower you, but your situation is the grey-area, which is why the OP is in the form of a question in the first place.

The fact is substance use does muddle the situation and the malice most people think about when the word rape or abuse is uttered.

It's ironic that for substance abuse/use, the intention is to let go of personal power or control to ride the wave.

But in the case of personal space and intimacy, suddenly you need as much of your own power back as possible.

As many have stated before what is consented to with sex, versus what is rape is a issue of power, and I would also add communication and education as well.

It's not like they teach us this stuff in school, in school they only preach they idealistic, not the pragmatic streetwise world.

Politics dictates that the adults don't dare mention gray areas for fear they'll be accused of teaching or enabling us young people to do (sex, drugs etc.).

Everything is whitewashed.

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Old January 6th, 2016, 08:41 PM   #14
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okay first of all, the fact that you put blame about this on me shows that you have some seriously wrong things ingrained in your head about what is rape and who's at fault. secondly, i didn't "put myself in the situation" nobody ever does. if you're a girl, who is drunk, and you get raped, you didnt put yourself in the situation, you got taken advantage of. The situation shouldn't have happened in the first place. Girls should have the right to drink and get high just as much as any guy so saying anything was the fault of the victim because they "put themselves in the situation" is really ignorant. I think you should reevaluate how you see these situations because, although i don't want to see what he did to me as rape, i certainly did not PUT MYSELF in that sort of a situation. I got high. lots of people do that. not my fault. I could not consent so that's how it goes.
Actually you likely have no right to get high unless you live where it's legal and have a prescription. I doubt you do.

By getting high, that's how you put yourself in the situation. I'm sorry, but that's how it works. He didn't physically harm you. He had sex with you, as he had many times before, but he didn't beat you or anything. He had sex with you. There's no way to know if you consented or not, though you didn't consent consciously.

Therefore, in a court of law, you would be told there is insufficient evidence to classify this as rape. You would be told not to get so high next time so that maybe you could actually consent/not consent. He would be told not to have sex with anyone in the future unless they were in a conscious state.

That's the end of it. It's not rape, it's you putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of by some creep. Equal fault. That's just how it is, legally. Whether you think it is or not. Sorry.

My advice is to keep yourself in a semi-sober state at all times. You never want to be so drunk or high that you can't consent or not consent.
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Old January 6th, 2016, 09:29 PM   #15
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last night i got really high. Personally when I get high, I lose all sense of time, nothing is really happening, and sometimes I forget what just happened maybe even a couple of seconds ago. I don't know if thats the same for other people but that's how it is for me. I've been raped before so my boyfriend knows you know never to do something unless I specifically tell him I want to, but last night i remember eating ice cream and playing some video games and then I closed my eyes and I vaguely remember his hands all over me and him touching me, it's sort of cloudy in my head. But what I'm really concerned about is that when it started to wear off he said we had to go to Walmart and I asked him why we needed to go to walmart so late and he said we had to get Plan B. AKA the morning after pill. I don't even remember having sex in the first place let alone him finishing inside me. It made me feel so vulnerable and embarrassed even though we have had sex before. I don't remember saying it was okay and I love him so much but now I have to worry about that stupid pill because he had sex with me while my brain could barely function. Is that rape ? I never said yes and I don't think I wanted it but i'm not sure ... i'm so scared
If you don't say yes, it's rape. He is your boyfriend and considering you've had sex before he probably thought it was okay. I'm not saying that it is okay. The fact that he basically had sex with you without you knowing makes me question how much he actually values you.




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Old January 6th, 2016, 09:35 PM   #16
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Actually you likely have no right to get high unless you live where it's legal and have a prescription. I doubt you do.

By getting high, that's how you put yourself in the situation. I'm sorry, but that's how it works. He didn't physically harm you. He had sex with you, as he had many times before, but he didn't beat you or anything. He had sex with you. There's no way to know if you consented or not, though you didn't consent consciously.

Therefore, in a court of law, you would be told there is insufficient evidence to classify this as rape. You would be told not to get so high next time so that maybe you could actually consent/not consent. He would be told not to have sex with anyone in the future unless they were in a conscious state.

That's the end of it. It's not rape, it's you putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of by some creep. Equal fault. That's just how it is, legally. Whether you think it is or not. Sorry.

My advice is to keep yourself in a semi-sober state at all times. You never want to be so drunk or high that you can't consent or not consent.
While I disagree with outback4, he is correct about what the courts might say. It isn't your fault. But if you wanted to press charges, not that I imagine you would, they could rule in his favor.




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Old January 7th, 2016, 12:30 AM   #17
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Default Re: Did my boyfriend rape me?

@outback4

I'd like to add that although the courts might rule it as a case of insufficient evidence and that the law might put some blame on her that doesn't mean that it is actually her fault. That just means the law says so. And, while I respect the law, I think we should think for ourselves in situations like this rather than following a book of law to the letter about it in order to make judgements.
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Old January 7th, 2016, 12:53 AM   #18
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@outback4

I'd like to add that although the courts might rule it as a case of insufficient evidence and that the law might put some blame on her that doesn't mean that it is actually her fault. That just means the law says so. And, while I respect the law, I think we should think for ourselves in situations like this rather than following a book of law to the letter about it in order to make judgements.
That's the thing this issue in this context combined, has two courts:

1. The legal one

2. The court of public opinion, which is more exacting in the detail in many cases.
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Old January 7th, 2016, 07:10 PM   #19
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@outback4

I'd like to add that although the courts might rule it as a case of insufficient evidence and that the law might put some blame on her that doesn't mean that it is actually her fault. That just means the law says so. And, while I respect the law, I think we should think for ourselves in situations like this rather than following a book of law to the letter about it in order to make judgements.
the law itself is interpreted by the lawyers and the judges but the actual LAW would not say that it would be my fault. I feel sorry for outback4 because his way of thinking is so skewed and misogynistic. I'm no way pressing charges i just feel like shit about what happened and why he would do that to me. maybe you're right that some PEOPLE in court would try and paint the picture as my fault but the overall ending like he said would prbably just be insufficient evidence anyways. NOT my fault.
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Old January 7th, 2016, 07:20 PM   #20
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the law itself is interpreted by the lawyers and the judges but the actual LAW would not say that it would be my fault. I feel sorry for outback4 because his way of thinking is so skewed and misogynistic. I'm no way pressing charges i just feel like shit about what happened and why he would do that to me. maybe you're right that some PEOPLE in court would try and paint the picture as my fault but the overall ending like he said would prbably just be insufficient evidence anyways. NOT my fault.
For practical purposes the court and law has to force a conclusion, irrespective of if it's right or wrong.

This topic is in a gray area for this reason.

It's a similar situation where someone is mentally out of it and harms people. Do those people get a free pass because well they didn't consciously decide to harm people? No the law puts em away.

The law is objective and cruel and is not in my view the concept of justice.
It only serves the function of getting dangerous people away from the public.

Perhaps it is due to the OP, you didn't specify if you were asking for the legal perspective or the casual one.
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