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Old December 27th, 2015, 07:20 PM   #1
youmakemewannadie
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Unhappy I'm scared

I don't really know what I'm doing here. I came across this website while researching something and found that lots of people post on here. Talking about what I'm going through makes me feel sick, because I can't explain it well enough and I'm scared people will judge me. I think that I'm depressed. I haven't been to a doctor but I have done several tests online. One told me that I had major depression. Most of the 'symptoms' it listed I can relate with- I can't sleep, I feel tired often, I don't have much confidence, my appetite has changed, I feel hopeless and I always look at life negatively, I feel like there is no hope whatsoever and that the world would be better off without me.

I have been feeling like this on and off for about a year, but never really thought much of it until it became a bit more serious in the past four months, my feelings of despair have grown dramatically and I just want to die. I have been cutting, first off it was small cuts but as I feel sadder the cuts get bigger and deeper and I'm really scared. I want to stop but I can't. Three people know about this; a school therapist, a teacher and one of my friends. I didn't tell my friend directly but told her over text. She convinced me to talk about it to a teacher, so I did and I felt so scared talking directly to someone, but it sort of helped . Then I had to talk to a sort of school therapist. She made me feel so much worse. When she asked me if the self harming helped the situation and I said I didn't know, she laughed. I don't feel at all comfortable talking to her.

In the past three weeks, it got even worse. I really hate my life, I just keep cutting and I can't stop. I told my friend and she said that she would talk to someone when we get back to school. But I don't want her too! I can't talk to that woman again. I told her that and she couldn't. But she still wanted to. She told me she felt really unhelpful that she couldn't do anything, but in reality she WAS helping just by listening to me. After we had this conversation, I didn't tell her but I cut again. I get that she is worried and I appreciate that but my parents will probably be told and they can't know. That will make everything worse.

Would it be weird to go back to the same teacher again? I can really trust him and felt so much better talking to him than the therapist. Should I tell my friend that I keep cutting? I've told her about it on two or three occasions that I've done it but I've actually done it more like ten times. I just don't want to be a burden to anyone- the teacher or my friend. So I don't know if It'd be wrong to go back and talk to them again. I just hate disturbing people and like I said don't want to be a burden.
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Old December 27th, 2015, 07:56 PM   #2
Desuetude
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Default Re: I'm scared

I'd recommend going back to that trusted teacher and asking him to have a word, tell him how uncomfortable the therapist makes you and ask if he has any advice or can direct you where to go next. A teacher can be a massive help, talking to my head of year is where the different options for therapy and counselling came from and I only felt able to talk to her because she was trustworthy and approachable. You're not a burden at all, I completely understand the feeling but just remember that your friend and the teacher are only going to be worried about you. If you clam up and don't tell them anything then that won't ease their worry. We all want to help those we care about, you can probably understand that thinking about people close to you from your perspective, they feel the same about you.

That therapist is obviously awful and shouldnt be in the profession because they have no idea how to handle sensitive topics. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. I promise that not all therapists act that way and this shouldn't keep you from seeking another therapist. School counsellors often are taught to deal with more menial things and aren't the best people to help with more serious problems. Its annoying that i don't know which country you live in but in the UK if you go to the GP then they can refer you to other services, also any drop in centres that do counselling may be an option? I think the first port of call from now would be talking to that teacher again. Your friend can only do so much for you and your teacher is likely to have more contacts and a better idea of what you can do. I hope this information helped somewhat. You really remind me of how I felt and the position I was in 3 years ago, if it helps anything, it takes time but circumstances change, people change and you will not stay feeling like this forever. Just have some hope and please hang in there.
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Old December 27th, 2015, 10:33 PM   #3
con99
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Default Re: I'm scared

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desuetude View Post
I'd recommend going back to that trusted teacher and asking him to have a word, tell him how uncomfortable the therapist makes you and ask if he has any advice or can direct you where to go next. A teacher can be a massive help, talking to my head of year is where the different options for therapy and counselling came from and I only felt able to talk to her because she was trustworthy and approachable. You're not a burden at all, I completely understand the feeling but just remember that your friend and the teacher are only going to be worried about you. If you clam up and don't tell them anything then that won't ease their worry. We all want to help those we care about, you can probably understand that thinking about people close to you from your perspective, they feel the same about you.

That therapist is obviously awful and shouldnt be in the profession because they have no idea how to handle sensitive topics. I'm sorry you had to go through that experience. I promise that not all therapists act that way and this shouldn't keep you from seeking another therapist. School counsellors often are taught to deal with more menial things and aren't the best people to help with more serious problems. Its annoying that i don't know which country you live in but in the UK if you go to the GP then they can refer you to other services, also any drop in centres that do counselling may be an option? I think the first port of call from now would be talking to that teacher again. Your friend can only do so much for you and your teacher is likely to have more contacts and a better idea of what you can do. I hope this information helped somewhat. You really remind me of how I felt and the position I was in 3 years ago, if it helps anything, it takes time but circumstances change, people change and you will not stay feeling like this forever. Just have some hope and please hang in there.
I can only second @Desuetude's advice. Praying for you!

Con 16, UK, straight

None of my posts represent the opinions of my startup, our clients (both past and present) or constitute medical or legal advice of any kind.
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Old December 28th, 2015, 02:07 AM   #4
Dygarde
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Default Re: I'm scared

You are not alone. Even when you feel like there is nobody, there always is. Many people suffer depression through their young adult life. Even if you are depressed that doesn't have to define who you are. Think back everyone who you've met and just you being there made their day better. People need to be around each other. We help each other through every aspect of life. I won't say I know what you're going through because no two people go through grief, sadness, joy the same. You are a beautiful person and just need a little help. Admitting that you need help is a huge step toward healing. After 8 years of depression I still haven't completely healed, the emotional scars are still but a scar is nothing more than a past hurt that has healed over. The pain is gone, forgotten. The scar is just a reminder that you've been through so much and kept going. Teachers are a great place to start for help. It's what we are trained to do.
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Old December 29th, 2015, 12:55 AM   #5
thatgothgirluknow
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Default Re: I'm scared

try talking to your friend you don't have to tell her that you cut just talk to her about what's wrong tell her that it helps for her to listen and you don't want to tell anyone else yet you may even feel better if you just talk about random things with your friend when your upset to get your mind off it but talking to your teacher might be a good idea tell them you don't like talking to the therapist and don't worry that you'll be a burden we all feel that way but it's not true

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