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Old February 22nd, 2008, 11:57 PM   #1
electric7rocker
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Default every day...

i constantly want to commit suicide but i cant tell my therapist because ive been lying to her for the past 3-4 months... i told her i stopped cutting (long before i actually did, its been 85 days) i told her i would never do drugs (even though ive popped and snorted vicodin and codeine, smoked pot, and tried multiple times to get a hold of ecstasy and cocaine) and she continues to tell me im not stupid enough to do drugs, and im smart enough to know not to cut. and every time she tells me that i feel stupid and ashamed. recently most of my friends decided i was annoying and they didnt want me around any more... but if i tell her that shes likely to pity me.. even a little bit. and that makes me feel weak and vulnerable. every day i get home from a school i hate and try not to kill myself, but i dont know what to do anymore.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 12:04 AM   #2
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There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. That is what keeps me going. I mean, I want to do the exact same thing that you are describing, but I just have this stubborn mentality that there has to be some good through all this.

And yes, I realize this may sound hypocritical, but it just a suggestion.

All you need is love.
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 12:11 AM   #3
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thanks.. but i rarely see any good in actually staying alive.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 12:17 AM   #4
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Default Re: every day...

Maybe you should tel your therapist everything even though you don't like to feel weak and vulnerable it might help you through all of this just have faith that she'll help you. If you just shut yourself down when you get near her then your not going for any real reason please just tell her.
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 12:25 AM   #5
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i cant.... when i even think about it it scares me. its not that i shut down around her.. i just tell her other stuff and try to avoid that.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 02:27 AM   #6
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Don't avoid, just, if you can, stear the conversation in a way that she could ask you specifically about it, and say yes. it would be most likely a lot easier.

sorry if I am being hypocritical

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Old February 23rd, 2008, 02:30 AM   #7
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and i also want to tell her i think im clinically depressed... but i again hate that feeling of vulnerability and i dont want to reveal a lot.. which i know ill have to. i hate that.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 03:32 AM   #8
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Maybe you need a new therapist. If you've been going to her for as long as you have and you're still scared to tell her things, she probably just isn't your cup of tea. Personally, therapy never worked for me.

Is she just the type of therapist that sits there and you do all of the talking? Because if so, you may need somebody who has a different approach. Maybe you need a more hands on therapist, those were the kind that worked the best for me when I had therapy.

Just a suggestion.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old February 23rd, 2008, 11:47 AM   #9
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Well, therapy won't work if you're not totally honest.

Choosing not to share certain things because you're not ready is one thing (and very different from) lying. The former is based on vulnerability and it's unease (which can change with time), the latter, based on manipulation and a need to be seen a certain way. Teatment grinds to a complete halt when you're intentionally telling mistruths, even if you feel justified.

You have 2 choices here: Come clean, and tell her that it was not wanting to disappoint her that led you to lie. Be very specific about how guilt inducing and embarassing her admonishments that you're 'too smart', etc. were. She sounds like she was well intentioned, but rather naive, in using them, and she'd do well to hear the effect they had. What's happening is that she's unwittingly shutting you down, the type of relationship she's establishing is making it more difficult for you to express yourself and engage in the process.

Or, get yourself another therapist.

Cutting and drugs are too serious and too dangerous to NOT talk about in therapy, it's why you're there. Sometimes, therapists say things without recognizing the effect they might have on the process. If you like this particular therapist and she's helped you, you might choose to work this one out. If you cannot, if it's too embarassing or difficult, find another one. But, I'd strongly advise not continuing this way because there's too much at stake here.

Last edited by IAMSAM; February 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 AM.
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Old February 24th, 2008, 12:45 AM   #10
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ive been thinking about cutting a lot lately.... i threw all my razors away except for one. my goal right now is 100 days.. but every second is a temptation and i dont know how long i can keep it up.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 12:48 AM   #11
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Great step. I wish I had the will power to do that. personnally, I dont use razors though. But I just dont feel like I can throw away what I use.

All you need is love.
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Old February 24th, 2008, 12:59 AM   #12
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but i cant stop thinking about cutting. and its driving me crazy because i want it so much right now.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 02:26 AM   #13
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i want to kill myself so bad right now

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 02:34 AM   #14
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I know the feeling, I know it well, but avoid it! do everything you can right now to not do it. I dont care what you do as lond as it is not death. I know you can get through this. As soon as you get through this you need to tell someone. Tell someone please. They can and will help you. Get help. We can only do so much. We all care for you just know that and everyone in your life cares for you and would be crushed to see you leave this world.

All you need is love.
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Old February 24th, 2008, 02:38 AM   #15
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except that no one cares for me.
they tell me daily.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 02:40 AM   #16
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Maybe people in your life might not but I know some must. And I know we all care for you if that counts for anything.

All you need is love.
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Old February 24th, 2008, 02:45 AM   #17
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i dont know

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 03:16 AM   #18
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Keep going, it takes a lot of will power but you can do it = )

Just take that razor outside, close your eyes and throw it as hard as you can in one direction.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old February 24th, 2008, 03:24 AM   #19
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i cant throw it away.. its like.. i feel like its a trophy. even though it tempts me every second i cant throw it out.

...but she was blind to this...

~i am rowan hear me roar
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Old February 24th, 2008, 03:26 AM   #20
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I know, I keep mine with me at all times... its messed up, I know just right now, THROW IT. that was great advice to just close your eyes and chuck it as far as you can. please do it now.

All you need is love.
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