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Old December 3rd, 2013, 01:32 AM   #1
Mojofilter
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Default I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

I'm 14, almost 15, and I've been going to therapists for depression since I was 11. I started getting depressed because of my social anxiety/awkwardness that's been following me my whole life. The first psych doc I went to diagnosed me with ADHD, and OCD, which I accepted. I got prescribed meds, they worked for a bit, but eventually I started self-medicating my anxiety with xanax that I found in old pill bottles around my house. I also took some of my dad's adderall. It didn't get me high, it just made me clear, almost euphoric, and gave me the motivation to carry on. That was the summer of 2012, fall of 2012 is my "fall of 2012". I started using DXM (robitussin, coricidin), to trip from it, and eventually my parents caught on and one day I OD'd on coricidin and caffeine pills (stupid idea) and ended up in the psych ward. Since then I've been there 3 times, on so many meds on and off for a disease no one really knows for sure I have. One doc says adhd and OCD, another says bipolar, another says GAD, Major depressive disorder, etc.But looking back, I remembered why I even wanted help in the first place. I hit puberty pretty early, like 8 years old and by the time I was 10 or 11 I had the body of a 15 year old.. and with the hormones and everything, except I was sexually confused for a while, when I was like 10 I thought I was gay and that just sent me into the worst depression of my life.. after months of feeling this terrible I asked my parents about therapy, etc. And thats how I got started with all the meds.

But, After the whole med fiasco I just feel... numb. Emotionless. Not suicidal, just numb. Even though I'm on neurontin, lexapro and concerta I just feel like an empty shell of what I used to be (which wasn't even that great to begin with). I'm an introvert, but I used to be that guy thats quiet all the time and then just makes a really dry joke and everyone starts laughing, and thats how I got a few friends.
Now all I do in school is sleep, have panic attacks, and feel like complete shit. I don't know at this point... if I should get faith, become spiritual, be religious, etc. I just don't know... I feel like I'm at a dead end road..

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Old December 3rd, 2013, 04:13 AM   #2
ksdnfkfr
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Default Re: I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

Well maybe instead of it being a dead end it can become
a new beginning. There are people who experience a renaissance
after hitting a wall. It sounds like you understandably feel like giving
up but do not want to. Idk about meds. I have been on a few myself and
I wonder if in the long run they can do more harm than good. Seems anyone
who is on that kind of stuff wants to get off that kind of stuff. It sounds
like what you are looking for is a new approach to life. Which I think
could work, but it is hard to say what it should be. I guess maybe all you
can do is continue riding it out and look for opportunities to make things
better. I know how difficult it is having to deal with such a huge boatload
of crap, therapy and medication and drama, when other kids are enjoying
a normal simple childhood. It is like being 14 going on 60. Unfortunately
I am too young and struggling myself to have much "this is what you need
to do" advice.
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Old December 3rd, 2013, 09:34 PM   #3
zelda234
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Default Re: I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

Hey. Just let me say, I’m really sorry you’re going through all that. Even though I’ve never been on medication, I can relate to a lot of things you said, about anxiety and awkwardness, and frustration and depression. I’ve been there- and I’m still there, in some ways. But I’ll say this, for the chance it might help:
• Know that you are NOT ALONE. Most of my social anxiety comes from feeling awkward among my circle of friends. When I sit with them, I’m the one who hardly ever talks – probably like you. I just can’t understand how they’re so happy, and don’t allow myself to have fun. My friends all wrote in my yearbook that they like me because I’m “sweet”. But that’s not what I want people to like me for – I’m smart, extremely sarcastic, and have a lot of talents – but I never speak up. All I’m sayin’ is: If you’re feeling lonely, join the club. I really, really feel ya.
• Don’t dwell on stuff from your past or things you can’t help. Some things are best left alone, to fix when you won’t feel so stressed about it. Other stuff just takes a lot of time, or fixes itself on its own.
• As for becoming “spiritual”… I don’t know if that would help you, but it didn’t for me. I’m not religious, and at one point I thought “trying out” religion might help me. It hasn’t so far… my advice is to do things you know will work. If you know religion will help, go for it. But if it’s just gonna stress you out, leave it alone.
• If you sometimes feel like the problem is all inside your head – I think it really is. Happiness comes from “conquering” your own mind. Other people can only do so much about what happens in your own brain… So, think good thoughts and always look ahead. It’s really up to you to get on track, and nobody knows your mind better than you. Building your confidence will put you on the path to success.
• Maybe try doing little things each day to motivate yourself to change. For me, change all has to do with breaking bad habits that get me down. Changing one or two things you do each week or so could make you feel refreshed if you feel like you’re in an endless cycle, and it’s much less stressful than trying to change your life around in a day. After all, you might just need a little spark to get your life on a different track, or have a personal catharsis/revolution!
• What’s really helped me was making journal entries. For about 2 years I’ve been typing word documents, to get my feelings out and store them in a place that’s more organized than my brain. I’ve never shown them to anyone; once in a while I look back at an entry, and I can make better sense of the way my mind works. Just typing all your deepest thoughts out (sort of like a letter to someone you love/trust that will never be sent) could help you figure out what your problems are better. Just a suggestion.
• And know that you CAN make things better. Changing your life will be hard, no matter what. You just have to push through, and not make it any harder than it has to be. Take small steps, and see what works for you. Build up your confidence, and friends will come to you.
I hope that this helps a little! Good luck, you have my best wishes.
-Zelda
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Old December 3rd, 2013, 09:45 PM   #4
skiman
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Default Re: I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

Ohkay I'm no expert, but try laying off the meds for a week and dedicating yourself to something easy, something to get your mind off all the shit. For example, try teaching yourself to solve a rubix cube. Once you learn, you feel good, you feel accomplished, like you could go for a bigger challenge. Pick something, like for example to make a new friend. It's not that hard. You know, research has shown that the best way to make yourself happy is to make someone else happy. So, do something nice for someone at school, it will make you feel good, and might help you make a new friend. Another thing that is always nice is having an SO. Find someone that cares, whether it's a guy or a girl, and just talk to them, and hang out with them. Another shown thing that can increase your happiness is excercise. Now that we're in winter, dress up warm and go for a run. Breathe in the fresh, winter air, and appreciate the beauty of nature. One more thing that can make you happier is to make yourself a "gratitude journal". It sounds cheesy, but if you write three things you're thankful for each day, it will make you happier. They don't have to be anything big, you could be thankful that someone said hello, or that someone helped you pick up something you dropped. But once you've got your journal going, go back once a week and read the things you were thankful for. It will make you smile again, and all of a sudden, you have things to appreciate in your life.

I hope this helps!!!
I wish I could take my own advice...
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Old December 5th, 2013, 07:22 PM   #5
zelda234
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Default Re: I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

Quote:
Originally Posted by skiman View Post
Ohkay I'm no expert, but try laying off the meds for a week and dedicating yourself to something easy, something to get your mind off all the shit. For example, try teaching yourself to solve a rubix cube. Once you learn, you feel good, you feel accomplished, like you could go for a bigger challenge. Pick something, like for example to make a new friend. It's not that hard. You know, research has shown that the best way to make yourself happy is to make someone else happy. So, do something nice for someone at school, it will make you feel good, and might help you make a new friend. Another thing that is always nice is having an SO. Find someone that cares, whether it's a guy or a girl, and just talk to them, and hang out with them. Another shown thing that can increase your happiness is excercise. Now that we're in winter, dress up warm and go for a run. Breathe in the fresh, winter air, and appreciate the beauty of nature. One more thing that can make you happier is to make yourself a "gratitude journal". It sounds cheesy, but if you write three things you're thankful for each day, it will make you happier. They don't have to be anything big, you could be thankful that someone said hello, or that someone helped you pick up something you dropped. But once you've got your journal going, go back once a week and read the things you were thankful for. It will make you smile again, and all of a sudden, you have things to appreciate in your life.

I hope this helps!!!
I wish I could take my own advice...
AGREED. I have pretty severe ADD, OCD and Misophonia, so when I need to clear my head, taking a quiet walk or jog really helps. And doing something productive/helpful to keep myself occupied is great too - sometimes I just go to my local library and volunteer to sort books and DVDs. It gives me a little sense of accomplishment, and it's occupying enough that I can escape from my own mind for a bit. (I like that it's quiet, too.)
So, yeah, little things - like holding the door open for someone, or surprise-cleaning up the house, or just slaughtering your homework early - are the things that really get you rolling.
My opinion on journalkeeping is that it doesn't work unless what you write is 100% true - that means, instead of just reporting stuff, include your feelings on everything, and use all your own slang terms, just like you're talking. The way I write my entries, it's like I'm having a conversation with someone, maybe my future self. And you want it to be fun in some way. If it feels like a chore, it might not work for you.
Really works for me though! Hope you have a good day.
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Old December 10th, 2013, 02:23 AM   #6
Katiya
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Default Re: I'm at a dead end.. I don't know what's wrong with me

I'd kick the meds and go with a more natural approach.
I wouldn't take up religion as your find fare more stupid questions than answers in there.

Try meditation or deep thought, journaling, exercise daily, eat healthy. And connect with nature, go into the park or woods and watch nature study plants and animals you see. It is a biological fact that this has a calming affect on us because we are indeed animals like all other creatures. We were made for nature not cities and over population and stress. Even get massages if you can. Swimming or warm baths.

I personally hate meds, most people don't need them, they just need a break. Meds don't provide that and they generally do more harm than good. Therapists can be screws ddepending on the organization. Some keep you vomming back for money. Same with the drugs.

Live natural. I like orgnic foods. Ive found sense ive eaten more fresh and organic foods i feel physically sooooo much beter and mentaly too. And im extreamly healthy. Go natural as much as you can and stay away from processed garbage and too much bread, high fructose corn suyrip and trans fats. Also staying away from plastic helps some people greatly. Chemicals can cause all sorts of problems for sensitive individuals.

Hope this helps!

~I do not try to give advice as much as I do just point out facts as I have found people like to make their own decisions in life, not be told what one is best to make~


Please excuse my typos. I'm usually on my phone and it has issues.
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