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Old July 6th, 2013, 12:48 PM   #61
Emerald Dream
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Name: Allison
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My mom mentioned this morning (for the second time) about getting another car and letting me have the one she has now. Yes please - I need something to drive. I will beg her if I have to. I'm sick of depending on friends for rides most of the time. It also means I could possibly start looking for a job. Car and money. I need this to happen.
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Old July 16th, 2013, 10:06 PM   #62
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So I am sitting here watching (and listening to) the baseball all-star game. I know the basic rules of baseball because sometimes I have it on, and I will watch it occasionally.

Why is there an announcer on Fox who insults my intelligence?? I say this, because it's really bad since I am not a regular baseball watcher. His commentary is just idiotic, right down to reciting the lyrics to Enter Sandman when Mariano Rivera enters the game.

Yes, I get it. He comes to the pitcher's mound to this song. The Metallica music is enough to let me know that this man is probably not to be fucked with, because he's a good pitcher. I DO NOT NEED Tim Fucking McCarver to recite the lyrics to Enter Sandman to me.

Bloody hell, Fox. Just fire this idiot.
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Old July 19th, 2013, 07:29 PM   #63
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I am a good person, and it's because I care.
I am a good person, and I will do what I do.
I am a good person, at least I believe that much.

Last edited by Emerald Dream; July 19th, 2013 at 08:05 PM.
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Old July 20th, 2013, 07:18 PM   #64
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I need to get past this. I don't have much self-worth to begin with.

In the last 24 hours it has plummeted pretty far, and I have cried a lot.
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Old July 23rd, 2013, 04:53 PM   #65
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I worry too much. I cry too much.

I thought it was a bad thing, but maybe it's not.
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Old July 25th, 2013, 06:53 AM   #66
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I'm sending off my transcripts today. Now I just have to wait.

I'm already nervous, and this is the easy part.
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Old August 10th, 2013, 10:40 PM   #67
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Seems it is not taking much to irritate me today.

I am getting a bit sick of trying my ass off, and having other people think it's a freaking joke.
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Old August 23rd, 2013, 09:29 AM   #68
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I my schedule for my senior year - only one core class (Physics), a joke of a class, only because it's required for the "education" cluster (Family Life Education), Creative Writing 2, and Desktop Publishing.

Second semester is just Calc and Teaching Essentials 2, then early dismissal for me....just like I wanted. This seriously couldn't have worked out much better.
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Old September 13th, 2013, 11:32 AM   #69
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I don't think people around me realize how I am struggling right now. I can not stop being the type of person that I am. I don't understand why no one ever stood up for me. Maybe I didn't deserve it?
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Old September 21st, 2013, 02:04 PM   #70
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Listening to Perpetual. Practice is coming soon.

I need to focus this year.
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Old October 2nd, 2013, 10:17 PM   #71
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I haven't posted in here in awhile, so I think it's time for another Randomness Is Random:

1. So...soccer practice started yesterday. Senior season is hopefully going to be fun. I'm lazy and didn't even go to last week's tryouts/evaluation (yeah yeah...). I really did miss this, as much as I will probably bitch about it in the coming months. Practice again tomorrow, and we are probably going to know who is the captain this year. I have always been a team player, but for once - I actually want this. It's always a Senior. Plus, I am meeting my coach at the school on Saturday to talk about possible college options again.

2. I'm thinking about starting a few new threads here but I don't want them to end up as dead as some of my others (I need to get back to my Bad Jellybean Poetry!), or to flop like a live fish on a stove. I'm thinking about a Crime Dramas thread - since I love shows like Bones, The Mentalist, L&O, and Person of Interest (not really the same, but fuck it...it's my diary). I have watched these for years and I love them. I watch to start watching others but I don't have enough time as it is.

I also want to put out a "music request" thread to go along with Song of the Day. I am really proud of myself for approaching 250 straight days, and I have kept my word to not "technically" repeat an artist. However, my personal faves/options are becoming narrow. So maybe it would be great to get suggestions. I get new music, which is great...and others get their music too. The only catch is that I would only use songs I actually would listen to. It has a good possibility of happening.

3. Speaking of the Song of the Day thread...I am resetting the "artists rule" for myself on January 1st. Otherwise I will be up Shit's Creek without any more artists pretty quickly. Also, I am gonna start Holiday music on December 1st and do that through Christmas.

4. I will be 18 soon. I really don't think there is anything special about this to me. I will be able to vote. That's pretty much all it means, since I can't "legally" drink still. I'm not really that thrilled about it - not as much as I probably should be. Maybe I will do something, maybe not. Definitely not a party. Ick...I hate that shit.

5. I am excited about football (American) season again. I have grown up watching football, and I will probably always love the college and HS games. For some reason I am not so much for the pro game though. I don't know why.

6. Homecoming is coming up, and while I don't have a date...I am still planning on going. I don't like fancy or formal events often, but at least one dance or something like it is good for me. I don't care to dress up too much, but I'm told I look decent. And yeah, senior prom is this year too. It is the last chance for that, so I will actually go to that too. SO or not.

7. On a serious note - I am afraid that I am going to fall back into the mindset of being worthless again. I know that a lot of times I am not the most helpful person. I like to think of myself as supportive to other people. I try, and I really mean that. I really wish that others would understand, though...that sometimes me giving support means that I have to step way outside my own level of comfort. What some people might dismiss as random words as a way of helping others, I personally consider that taking a risk. I know that I am absolutely terrible when I try to talk to people. I get scared. I feel rejected a lot. It hurts to think you may have supported a friend or two and they think still that no one loves them. I really don't think that anyone loves me either.

8. Dolphins and pretzels has to be the best shipping ever.
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Old October 4th, 2013, 12:31 AM   #72
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I should be happy and all right now but I can't sleep.

I was made co-captain of our team earlier tonight. I felt like I was important.

However, it only takes about two seconds to go from feeling like I mean something...to pretty much getting the idea that I'm a worthless piece of shit. Seriously. If I'm a bother and just tolerated by others, maybe I should just go away.
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Old October 21st, 2013, 03:41 PM   #73
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Randomness is Random (because my mind is all over the place):

1. So I met a guy at the homecoming dance the other night, and we actually talked and yeah it was weird at first but he was really nice. Yes, I got hooked in with a line....but he actually was interested in what I had to say and it was good. So we talked for over an hour which is kind of unheard of for me especially with someone I don't even know. Well, I agreed to a date for tonight and it's coming up soon. While I was ok Saturday, the time to think about it has made me really nervous. I do not want a relationship - I am pretty clear that I don't have time for it. I do feel good about myself if I am lucky enough to go on a date or two. Not even looking for "anything else." Not that I would do much at this point in my life with someone I barely know anyways.

2. School is just...boring. I have one class that I even pay attention to (Physics) and just kind of sit around the rest of the day. I do like being a high school senior...I mean some days actually are busy but for the most part it's just a monotonous routine now.

3. I have been watching playoff baseball, and I am trying to convince myself to pick a team to actually follow next year. I have never really been a huge baseball fan, but these games the past few weeks have been fun to watch because the teams are just so good. I really don't care who wins - it's been entertaining me.

4. There only 41 more days until Dec. 1. Christmas music is gonna hit my diary. I love it.

5. I have 8 more days to not be an adult. This is really weird to think about. Not that I am probably going to do much to celebrate, but wow.

6. For something I thought I was going to hate, and basically had to be told to sign up for...I freaking love Tumblr. It's like an addiction now. I don't make a lot of my own posts (I need to do this though), but I love the way I can shape and mold my blog by what I like and reblog.
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Old October 24th, 2013, 12:00 PM   #74
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So I don't want anything to happen....but why do I really want to hear from you???
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Old October 29th, 2013, 04:31 PM   #75
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I can not believe that this time is here, even after everything I have seen and gone through - friends, my father, soccer, boys, everything.




Goodbye childhood.
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Old November 8th, 2013, 03:43 PM   #76
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Randomness is Random:

1. I am getting my mom's car for my birthday - still waiting on it actually. It's been a week and a half LOL. She's going out again this coming weekend to try and find something newer for herself. Maybe I will go, maybe not....not really caring because I am getting hers. It's a 2006 Ion, and I think it's pretty nice.

2. Not really much planned this weekend. I will watch the big game tomorrow. Well, it's big for me (being a huge LSU fan), but other than that...none. Maybe I will go out, but as of right now noooooooo plans whatsoever.

3. I'm starting to worry myself in some ways lately. I've been especially touchy, and I do not understand why. The dumbest things are setting me off, and I swear that I am not wanting to be sad at all. Maybe I expect something deep down that I claim that I don't? I don't actively look for things, and the only thing I do is try to treat people fairly, and the way I would want to be treated.

4. The guy I dated a few times recently is out of town doing a job for almost two weeks. I really do not want a relationship at all at this point (of my senior year) but I do like going out and having someone nice to talk to. That is so underappreciated - being treated like an actual person.

5. Starting games here pretty soon (in almost two weeks) and I am excited and scared (though I shouldn't be at this point) at the same time. I have to push myself to do well.

6. Seems like keeping up with TV shows nowadays is a bit of a chore sometimes. I am not emotionally invested, or I am multitasking and not paying attention half of the time. I really love them, it's just feels like I am going in three different directs half the time in my mind and even when I am just sitting here. It's hard to explain. A lot of things are until you experience them.
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Old December 18th, 2013, 07:57 AM   #77
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The last few days have been a disappointment. I was hoping for more as far as a scholarship offer goes from the school I visited recently. I really liked it, even if it was an all girls school (and a tad religious). I am fearful of having to scramble here in a few months if I don't find something, or something does not find me. Also, still dealing with some personal issues. It's hard for me to get over some things for good. I really dislike myself for that.
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Old December 22nd, 2013, 01:30 AM   #78
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I'm just laying here because I can't sleep, and realizing I really ought to use this thread more often. I hate having problems sleeping.

Christmas is in a few days. It's just not really a huge deal anymore. It probably never actually was...but I am only noticing it as I get older. My family is small. It's not very festive at all. A few gifts, and a good meal of course. I haven't actually been to church in years though. With my mom working so much and my indifference to it all - we just kinda gave up on it. I'm not motivated at all to go back. I'm looking forward to seeing my brother this week in any case.

I think the days of being so down on myself are constant now. I just don't see the reason why I should matter, because no matter what I seem to say or do...I don't matter in the big picture. I wish I had something to actually be happy about. Nothing like waking up every day wondering just who is going to say what to hurt my feelings. I probably deflect my own sadness off by trying too hard to help other people. At least someone feels better that way.

Oh well. Eventually I'll drift off...sleep and otherwise.
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Old January 16th, 2014, 04:04 PM   #79
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Randomness is Random:

1. So I say I need to write in here more, and then it has been another month. I seriously need to kick myself in the ass every so often.

2. It's been an interesting transition for me the past week, between things here on VT and starting my second semester classes. It's actually gone a lot better and smoother than I though it would. I love having two classes and then being done for the day. I am going to have to shadow/sit in on some grade school classes in the next few months though (part of my Teaching Essentials class).

3. Speaking of being a senior, I can actually say that word here now without tiptoeing or thinking I sound entitled. If she ever reads this, Val will laugh (she knows why).

4. Unless something major happens in the next month or two, it looks like I am going to stay here for my first two years of college. I have an offer for full tuition and books to play soccer at a branch of a major school. This is good for my education, money-wise, and it buys me two years to figure out where to transfer. I haven't agreed to anything yet, but I am thinking I probably will. Since there is no housing on-campus I will still live at home (it's about a half hour away). I think it's what my mom wants too since even though she won't say it...I don't think she wants me to leave.

5. I was seriously surprised at how good the movie Frozen was. I didn't think it would be terrible, but I didn't think it would be that great. The music was really good too. I really want this on DVD now.

6. I need new music to get into. I love my playlist....I just want more of it.
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Old March 14th, 2014, 07:23 PM   #80
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I had a good day today. I actually felt like I was important to other people. I know they do this sort of thing for other people in my shoes, but this was good for me I think. I was pretty nervous last night and this morning, but once I got there it shifted to being a bit embarrassed. I'm not used to being the center of attention most of the time. I knew they would do a few pictures and some paperwork, but I didn't know there would be so much of both.

So I am going to college, officially now. At least for two years of my (planned) four year teaching degree. I'll still be living at home, which mom is happy about (and in a way I kinda am too). They don't have housing there so I didn't have a choice anyways. But my first two years and all my books will be paid for in full. I'm really happy about that. I am not going to say I would have rather ended up somewhere else. I am thankful for an opportunity to still play soccer and to have it help for my education.
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