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Old April 21st, 2012, 08:20 AM   #1
Lostkeyword
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Name: Aisha
Join Date: April 21, 2012
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Default I think I screwed up.

Um.. Yeah. I'm not good with this sort of thing, but.. I mean, why not. Maybe someone else can give me some insight on all these things I'm so clueless about.

Basic: I'm eighteen, and I was pinned with bipolar I a few months ago. I'm on meds.

..And I stopped taking them.

I probably shouldn't have. My parents still think I'm downing them but..eh. I haven't taken them in at least two weeks -- I'm on 200mg of Lamictal. I can't really explain why I stopped with them in the first place...it's not like I don't want to get better, it's just.. the desire to not be here is outweighing the part of me that wants everything to be okay. I want to shoot myself in the foot for uttering this stupid and cliche phrase, but it really just feels like I have nothing to live for. Silly, right? I'm only eighteen.

But I feel like I've already messed so many things up. I was already slipping again even while I was on them, and I started neglecting my classes because.. because I don't even know. Because I was terrified and being stupid and was thinking, "Why does it matter? I can stop now. I'm not going to be here much longer, so I don't need to do this." I know these are toxic thoughts and I should have pushed them out of my head and persevered, but I didn't. I didn't and I ended up getting my classes frozen, and then I didn't contact my teacher within a week to unfreeze them, and then I was withdrawn. And I've yet to tell my parents. They'll be no more hiding it once Monday hits.

Simple solution would probably be to just start taking my meds again. That's what they're there for, right? To make things better. But I'm.. scared, y'know? And it's funny, because I'm sitting here typing this, and I'm almost laughing because it's like if I give worth to these words then I'm giving worth to the author. I have no reason to be saying this. Right now I'm just some girl who's a little off her rocker and doesn't know what to do.

Really. She's sitting here on her bed at six in the morning and she hasn't slept since yesterday, and her heart is pounding through her chest because she's scared of something that she knows isn't there. She's scared to get yelled at for messing up with her classes, because it's another tac to add to her failure chart. She's biting her lip and throwing these words onto the computer while she thinks about downing the two half-full bottles of Lamictal and Lithium, in hopes that she ends up in a coma and dies. She's disgusted that she thought that, but a the same time she's shaking and laughing because, what else is she supposed to do?

She wants to go out in run, but she's got nowhere to go. Playing in traffic sounds nice but that's gross. She's thinking about buying a ticked and flying across the US because she needs to get out, and she'll disappear for a while. It's like she's drowning in breathable water, and someone is shoving a steel pipe down her throat and it's hard to breath. She's hoping the world will shut up, and she realizes how selfish she's being and how stupid she's being.

She wants to lash out and fuck everyone over and make every person she knows hate her, because it's so much easier. Hate, she understands. Hate, she can deal with. She wants people to just hate her, use her...just tell her. Tell her what she is. She's tired of listening to lies because she knows deep down, people can't stand her. She just wished they would all say it, because it's driving her insane, wondering all the time and thinking.

And there is a small whisper that she's just being paranoid and stupidly irrational, but she can't hear it over the amount of nothing she is feeling. It's a solid, heavy weight that is squeezing the life out of her.

It's easier to talk about it like it's someone elses life. It's not me that's being stupid and irrational. It's some other girl down the street.

I don't know. I think there was a point to this. Do I really have the right to ask for help when I'm almost doing this to myself. God, I'm stupid sometimes. Forgive me?
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Old April 22nd, 2012, 01:42 AM   #2
Noxail
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Default Re: I think I screwed up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostkeyword View Post
Um.. Yeah. I'm not good with this sort of thing, but.. I mean, why not. Maybe someone else can give me some insight on all these things I'm so clueless about.

Basic: I'm eighteen, and I was pinned with bipolar I a few months ago. I'm on meds.

..And I stopped taking them.

I probably shouldn't have. My parents still think I'm downing them but..eh. I haven't taken them in at least two weeks -- I'm on 200mg of Lamictal. I can't really explain why I stopped with them in the first place...it's not like I don't want to get better, it's just.. the desire to not be here is outweighing the part of me that wants everything to be okay. I want to shoot myself in the foot for uttering this stupid and cliche phrase, but it really just feels like I have nothing to live for. Silly, right? I'm only eighteen.

But I feel like I've already messed so many things up. I was already slipping again even while I was on them, and I started neglecting my classes because.. because I don't even know. Because I was terrified and being stupid and was thinking, "Why does it matter? I can stop now. I'm not going to be here much longer, so I don't need to do this." I know these are toxic thoughts and I should have pushed them out of my head and persevered, but I didn't. I didn't and I ended up getting my classes frozen, and then I didn't contact my teacher within a week to unfreeze them, and then I was withdrawn. And I've yet to tell my parents. They'll be no more hiding it once Monday hits.

Simple solution would probably be to just start taking my meds again. That's what they're there for, right? To make things better. But I'm.. scared, y'know? And it's funny, because I'm sitting here typing this, and I'm almost laughing because it's like if I give worth to these words then I'm giving worth to the author. I have no reason to be saying this. Right now I'm just some girl who's a little off her rocker and doesn't know what to do.

Really. She's sitting here on her bed at six in the morning and she hasn't slept since yesterday, and her heart is pounding through her chest because she's scared of something that she knows isn't there. She's scared to get yelled at for messing up with her classes, because it's another tac to add to her failure chart. She's biting her lip and throwing these words onto the computer while she thinks about downing the two half-full bottles of Lamictal and Lithium, in hopes that she ends up in a coma and dies. She's disgusted that she thought that, but a the same time she's shaking and laughing because, what else is she supposed to do?

She wants to go out in run, but she's got nowhere to go. Playing in traffic sounds nice but that's gross. She's thinking about buying a ticked and flying across the US because she needs to get out, and she'll disappear for a while. It's like she's drowning in breathable water, and someone is shoving a steel pipe down her throat and it's hard to breath. She's hoping the world will shut up, and she realizes how selfish she's being and how stupid she's being.

She wants to lash out and fuck everyone over and make every person she knows hate her, because it's so much easier. Hate, she understands. Hate, she can deal with. She wants people to just hate her, use her...just tell her. Tell her what she is. She's tired of listening to lies because she knows deep down, people can't stand her. She just wished they would all say it, because it's driving her insane, wondering all the time and thinking.

And there is a small whisper that she's just being paranoid and stupidly irrational, but she can't hear it over the amount of nothing she is feeling. It's a solid, heavy weight that is squeezing the life out of her.

It's easier to talk about it like it's someone elses life. It's not me that's being stupid and irrational. It's some other girl down the street.

I don't know. I think there was a point to this. Do I really have the right to ask for help when I'm almost doing this to myself. God, I'm stupid sometimes. Forgive me?
Let me say first, you have an amazing way with words. It just kinda mesmorized me. But honestly, you've got to go on your gut. If you feel liek you should take them, take them. If you feel like you shouldn't, don't. I just over simplied everything, but maybe I'll post a longer replay once I've gotten some sleep. ~Holli



I'm Holly, or Holli, which ever spelling you like.

I am Bisexual
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Old April 22nd, 2012, 02:25 PM   #3
psyched_out
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Default Re: I think I screwed up.

Everything you just said in that post reminds me a lot of me. I know the feeling of knowing you need to make or just want to make a change but you can't because of pre ordained obligations...

going off my meds didn't go so well. I ended up missing work the next week cause I was pushed into a manic rage for 3 days straight(but I think my symptoms are intensifying so that means my meds are way too weak now). You do feel like your in a haze but while you try and figure things out try and stay on the meds unless you seriously feel like their bad for you.

And do you have any suggestions about easing my mind about being stalked. Every now and then I feel like I'm being followed in and outside of my house by a completely fictional creature. I swear I've seen/heard it in the past week inside my house.
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Old April 24th, 2012, 12:02 AM   #4
Lostkeyword
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Default Re: I think I screwed up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psyched_out View Post
Everything you just said in that post reminds me a lot of me. I know the feeling of knowing you need to make or just want to make a change but you can't because of pre ordained obligations...

going off my meds didn't go so well. I ended up missing work the next week cause I was pushed into a manic rage for 3 days straight(but I think my symptoms are intensifying so that means my meds are way too weak now). You do feel like your in a haze but while you try and figure things out try and stay on the meds unless you seriously feel like their bad for you.

And do you have any suggestions about easing my mind about being stalked. Every now and then I feel like I'm being followed in and outside of my house by a completely fictional creature. I swear I've seen/heard it in the past week inside my house.
Ha, yeah. I used to think going off meds was like learning how to ride a bike. While you're on the medication, it's like you're working with training wheels. And then when you get off of them, the doctor lets go of your back and you're supposed to remember how to ride all on your own. unfortunately, you realize you've hit a bump and you've tumbled off the thing and now you're lying on the ground.

I don't feel like they're bad for me. They just.. aren't doing anything. I know this stuff takes longer than Lithium to really kick in but. Whatever. Me going off of them by myself was just a stupid mistake as it is.♥

I'm not sure what to tell you about the stalking thing. I know the feeling, because that's the sort of looming weight that I have a lot. (Mirrors and 'shadows' I've got an issue with. I'm so freaking weird.) The only way I manage to deal with it a little is blasting music through my ears, because then it's like I'm not feeling the world around me, directly. There's no way to make the thought completely go away, as far as I know, so constantly saying "It's not here, something like that doesn't exist, I'm imagining it," probably won't do much in the way of easing your mind..
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Old April 24th, 2012, 12:08 AM   #5
Lostkeyword
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Join Date: April 21, 2012
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Default Re: I think I screwed up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HolliBlood View Post
Let me say first, you have an amazing way with words. It just kinda mesmorized me. But honestly, you've got to go on your gut. If you feel like you should take them, take them. If you feel like you shouldn't, don't. I just over simplied everything, but maybe I'll post a longer replay once I've gotten some sleep. ~Holli
Hah, thank you! Words have never exactly been my friend...it's like, if concepts are supposed to be that single moment of twilight, then words are like pictures of all the wrong things. I have a small knack for written word, but I can't ever seem to use the right terms to paint the right feeling I'm trying to communicate. (And I forget to leave the metaphor world behind sometimes. ♥

Simplistic is good. Gives the desired point without all that nasty background noise.♥

I'll probably start taking it again, because I'm just supposed to. Plus, I'm paying for it so.. ha. I don't think my parents would approve of me going up and saying "I want to be taken off of this!" Bah. Details, details. ~♥
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Old April 24th, 2012, 09:03 PM   #6
iamsimple
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Default Re: I think I screwed up.

Let me first say that you are very brave for posting this....kudos. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost 4 years ago and have spent many nights in the same situation you are in. My personal experience with bipolar is that it causes utmost frustration at the worst times....particularly when you are alone or unoccupied. Trust me your not alone in this. Even when I have been taking my meds I often find myself unable to motivate myself to do basic things like get out of bed. It is an up hill battle that will only make you a stronger person I promise in the meantime see if you can find someone to talk to about your thoughts and emotions. it really does help
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