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Old March 21st, 2012, 03:59 AM   #1
SolarSolexis
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Name: Tristan
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Default Feelings of blankness?

I am a 15 year old guy (turning 16 very soon) and I am homeschooled. I guess I have to go into SOME detail without being too descriptive (I tend to do that...). Anyways, here is the story.

I have been going to this church for the past 2 years or more. It was a very small church, and it was very comfortable. No insane "holy" people, either. Just regular people, which I liked. All of the Youth Group never talked to me (Even the ones I knew from school). They never invited me to do things with them, etc. So at first I kind of "got over" it. But then, it suddenly turned around about a year later. They were nice to me, they talked to me, I felt apart of things. I even got to be best friends with this guy there. We played games together a lot and stuff like that. Then, out of no where, he starts being rude to me. I have a lot of medical problems (Immune disorders, back problems, vein disease, stomach problems, migraines, more I am probably not thinking of...) and we had a "Youth Group" renovation night full of painting and moving things and stuff like that. I helped to the best of my ability, and thought I did a good enough job given that I am the worst one off with medical problems. But this guy (who claims to be my best friend) is telling me I did an awful job, then he told me that I hardly worked at all. No one else stuck up for me. He continued to do stuff like this after the renovation night had ended. For example, he purposefully excluded me from games and such. No one ever said anything about it. And to me, if these people are Christian, then why are they acting like this...? Anyway...

I eventually stopped being friends with him. About six months after that, the entire youth group stops talking to me again. None of them have anything to do with me. They will all go out to eat, go see a movie, etc. And NONE of them will invite me. Whenever they were standing around talking, I could walk up and talk to them, and they all walk away within the next few minutes. They never invite me to any of the games the play at the Church (I feel like Rudolf lol! Never invited him to play in any reindeer games ). After all of this (plus a bunch of stuff I haven't mentioned involving the adults) we come to now. I finally have had enough and quit going. But ever since I have stopped going I feel so blank. Like I have nothing in me at all.

You see, when I went to church, I felt like "Even though they aren't nice to me, at least I am around people." Where now, I am never around ANYONE except for my Mom, my Sister, and myself. My sister is also homeschooled and is VERY annoying (she acts like she is 5, and she is 18). My mom has lost her job recently so she is ALWAYS around the house. My mom is a major neat freak, too. So she is always yelling at me to pick up every little thing. Now I have no place to go to get away from my house, and I have no way to ever be by myself.

I was just focusing myself only on school, but it's too easy. I've completed all of my sophomore classes, and almost done with 1/6 of my Junior ones, too. Then I was playing a bunch of old games, but once again, they are too easy. I don't have any friends here anymore, because they have all moved away. So it's not like I have any options there.

I keep wanting to see a counselor but my mom refuses to take me because she thinks they are quacks. Then I tried talking to her about my problems, and she tries making me feel guilty about even talking about myself because she is going threw a divorce with my step dad. I've tried talking to my Grandma, but she is severely ill and I am scared that if I talk to her, she will get too stressed out and have a heart attack and die. The rest of my family either works all of the time, does drugs, or drinks. I wish I could move in with my dad and my step mom, but they just recently moved and are too far away.

I haven't even scratched the surface with a lot of things, and I know this sounds more like a stupid sob story than anything else. Which makes me feel guilty for taking up anybodies time. But I guess to get to the point: What would people recommend? I don't know how to stop these feelings of emptiness and blankness. Any ideas?

Last edited by SolarSolexis; March 21st, 2012 at 04:33 AM.
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Old March 21st, 2012, 05:05 AM   #2
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

Dude that's terrible! Can't believe these "friends" of yours just dissed you for no good reason.

Hmm, dunno if you have enough time but maybe you can ask your mum if you can take some extra class like golf lessons or cooking courses. There you can escape the house for a while and make new friends.

I guess you could even go to a regular school to be around people your own age and make friends. Would your mother be ok with that?
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Old March 21st, 2012, 02:05 PM   #3
SolarSolexis
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

I would love to take cooking classes (I have actually been following a girl named Laura Vitale on Youtube for dinners and desserts xD). I would love to go to a regular public school. But I have two reasons as to why I am not in a public school. The first one being (as I mentioned in my post) I have a lot of medical problems. I wouldn't be able to go most of the time. Secondly, I was bullied a lot in the school in my area, so I don't want to go back there. I asked my mom to drive me about 20 minutes away to the next closest school, but she refused. Instead I just decided online school. I make most of the decisions for myself except the ones that involve a car or something. On one hand, it's cool that my mom gives me a lot of freedom. On the other hand, I am always making mistakes without any parental guidance.
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Old March 21st, 2012, 02:09 PM   #4
GothicTsukiyomi
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

I feel so sorry for you, and I go through the same thing. Execpt I end up hating them AND being depressed.

YouMeAndTheDevilMakesThree
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Old March 21st, 2012, 02:34 PM   #5
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Talking Re: Feelings of blankness?

Hey! I hate to hear that! =( Dont worry though I know how you feel! waay back in 7th grade I went through a rough patch where I was bullied and most of kids in my classes didnt like me. (Im homeschooled now and im a sophmore) I am a Christian and cant stand it when Christians snubb other people and Christians its the TOTAL opposite of being Christ like. Hang in there It will get better! I promise! =)
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Old March 21st, 2012, 06:27 PM   #6
SolarSolexis
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

For whatever reason, I feel like I can't hate anyone. I only hate myself. I always blame myself for everything, even if it's not my fault at all. Which I have no idea why I do that... I guess I have just been told enough everything has been my fault.
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Old March 21st, 2012, 06:45 PM   #7
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

Its not your fault!!!! =)
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Old March 22nd, 2012, 01:48 AM   #8
SolarSolexis
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

I know not everything is my fault. But still, why does it always feel like it is? That raises the questions why am I always used as a scape goat to other people? It doesn't make any sense to me.
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Old March 22nd, 2012, 02:24 AM   #9
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SolarSolexis View Post
I know not everything is my fault. But still, why does it always feel like it is? That raises the questions why am I always used as a scape goat to other people? It doesn't make any sense to me.
Its life trying to toughen you up to prepare you for adulthood. It definitely sucks now but it will pay off in the future. In fact, people that have relatively easy lives turn out to become complete dooshbags and are about as interesting as my left toe. You actually have to embrace these problems and learn as much as you can from them.

So grab life by the scrotum and do that cooking course you said you were interested in.
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Old March 22nd, 2012, 02:33 AM   #10
SolarSolexis
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

It's as theory as any. I mean, it's not like I can just fast forward to the good part of life without experiencing the bad. I just hate feeling so empty all of the time. What's going to really suck is if the world DOES end on 12/21/12 and I never get to experience it xD.

"I was in the darkness, so darkness I became. The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark... No dawn, no day, I'm always in this Twilight. In the shadow of you heart." - Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machines
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Old March 24th, 2012, 07:39 PM   #11
alex4nder
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Default Re: Feelings of blankness?

I think you should keep pushing the counsellor idea to your mother, especially if she's guilting you about your problems when you trying to talk to her (assuming i understood the part right?).

Also, as Teejay said.. go do that cooking class/course, it sounds like something you would enjoy and maybe it would clear your head, help you think and maybe drive those empty and blank feelings away.

Oh and never give.. things will get better.. they have to, even i personally don't believe really believe that.

So yeah, stay strong and..
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