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Old March 4th, 2012, 06:54 AM   #1
Smeagol
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Name: Maeve
Join Date: November 24, 2011
Location: Middle Earth
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 5
Unhappy Just when I thought I was getting better...

As the title says, just when I thought I was getting better, I fell asleep crying last night. Mum said I could have a special treat, and I said staying up. Now all that did was make me upset. I really don't know why.

I woke up crying. I still feel empty. Well, I was listening to some Irish Ballads, and I came across Motherland by Christy Moore. It talkes about how there's nowhere to go. Suddenly I snapped. Its stupid, probably. It talks about the expansion of cities gobbling up green land. I hated cities anyways. Monstrous things. And then, in my head, all of the pain from various insults bottled up at once came out. I was reliving a lot of bad stuff. And then, a bad voice in my head (that sounds so cliche) told me how I could never be a veterinarian and a farmer and showed me a scene of bulldozers and construction on the farm I hope to inherit some day.

I'm just being silly over nothing. Maybe it doesn't matter if the world is covered in soot and concrete. But it matters to me. And then... well, my farm will still be where I left it a couple months ago. It's still there, I had to check on google earth, which I realize can be outdated.

And now, theres nothing to be upset about. I know I wasted a night, crying, when I could really have been enjoying myself. I wanted to get in with mum, but then she would think that people on here are being mean (you aren't I love you all) and I wouldn't be able to come on anymore. I need to see somebody, to make this go away. I just can't do this. I go to school everyday, present myself as a young girl who is ready for school work (got that part right, but they tease me because of my romantic orientation...) so anyways.

I have to go to the eye doctors tomorrow, I wonder how much makeup will remove circles and scratches under my eyes. I just can't do this. I need to see a therapist or something to let me be heard by somebody who maybe can be helped. But mom says not until after school, so that I can run our\t of my birthcontrol (how could that be affecting my mood??) she doesn't think it's this bad. I'll have to tell her. But, then, I don't want to hurt her making her think that I am faking or something. Why would I fake this? I fake happiness. Gah.

Well, here ends my rant. If there are any suggestions, please help.
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