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Old January 6th, 2012, 12:48 AM   #1
mosin1942
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Question Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

Okay, first off, I feel kind of guilty for taking up the space this post will take because I am perfectly capable of holding my own and coming out relatively fine, and I know there are others that need help more but nonetheless I figured I should try to find out anyways.

So my parents have some extreme expectations, I got a report card back with every grade between 90 and 94 (I am also in all honors courses) but both of my parents stood there for half an hour chewing me out and yelling at me for my "pathetic grades". they expect me to make up for every mistake I make, and every mistake my brother makes, (my brother is 25, I'm 16). I cannot possibly take on that much responsibility, I learned from what my brother did, but the amount of crap he has pulled is unable to be repaired (atleast as far as I can see). Some how he is still their favorite though. Since he moved out they spend more time talking with him and helping him then me. If i show any sign of emotion other then happiness I get yelled at for being a wimp and a disgrace.

My parents make a point of telling me multiple times a day that I am not good enough to make my goals. They also make sure to tell everyone they talk to this as well, everyone from their work friends to the person bagging our groceries.

They're favorite nickname for me at the moment is "dumbshit". Past nicknames have included moron, ass-wipe, and others that I feel should not be said aloud.

Now I still don't know if this is considered abusive or not, because I have not been beaten (atleast since I grew to be bigger stronger and faster then them), and things could be oh so much worse, and with the amount of good things people say about my parents great job at being parents I simply don't know. Any thoughts on this are greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post
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Old January 6th, 2012, 01:30 AM   #2
Carlyle
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

I would have to say that this is emotional and verbal abuse. Its ok for them to be a bit disappointed and want you to do something better, but some of those things are just purely rude and possibly blowing it out of proportion. Have they are actually told you to make up for every mistake your brother did, or do you just feel suffocated and like they want so much from you? Also, not all abuse is physical. A lot of it is more mental and emotional.
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Old January 6th, 2012, 01:35 AM   #3
mosin1942
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

One has never mentioned it, the other never specifically said "you must make up for you're brother's mistakes" but he made it very clear that he expects me to be an improvment over my brother, but interestingly enough every time my brother screws up they punish me, and my mother is constantly going off "you're brother was allowed to do that and he screwed up so i'm not even going to allow you that kind of freedom"
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Old January 6th, 2012, 01:38 AM   #4
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

That is verbal abuse. Being tough parents would mean pushing you, but not shooting you down the way they are doing.
I don't have much advice since there's not much to do but ignore, but you're always welcome to rant here if you need to.


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Old January 6th, 2012, 02:32 AM   #5
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

This is indeed verbal abuse.

My parents used to behave that way, but they managed to understand that's wrong.
Tell them that if they want to show like they're perfect you won't have self confidene.

Just be patiend and strong and things WILL be better!

Never say Never!
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Old January 6th, 2012, 10:04 AM   #6
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

I agree with the others. I don't understand how parents turn to be like that. My parents also try to make me live up to their expectations, because my siblings screwed up. 90-94?! Those are great grades, and they should be proud of what you are doing. You could try to go into counseling. Your parents really need to know how you feel, and things would be easier to talk through with a third opinion.

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Old January 6th, 2012, 07:50 PM   #7
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

Hey dear, so the others have already told you this is emotional/verbal abuse and it is. But the thing is, you probably won't ever be able to change your parents. In fact, you won't. In time, you will be able to be independent of them and live on your own and that's great but what are you going to do -now-?

Say this is who you're going to live with for now. What are you going to do? How are you going to cope?

You could try reasoning with them, but I can say from experience that if you get emotional, irrational, childish and irritated, it isn't going to work. You have to talk to them like a matured adult, be patient and explain to them that they are having overly high expectations of you, that you cannot achieve what they wish for you to achieve whilst keeping your sanity.

Explain to them calling you names is not going to miraculously make you want to work harder or get better results. Tell them their actions and words are hurting you and that whilst you respect them as parents, you would love it if they'd respect you, too. Keep your cool and do -not- raise your voice, no matter what.

Tell them you are one of the top students and you are doing more than well in school - bringing you down and humiliating you in front of others is not going to bring them the perfect child or make you love them any more - in fact, the perfect child does not exist.

Stay cheerful, smile, be polite, patient, reasonable and grown-up. Being teary-eyed and complaining only ever gave me slaps across the face - you might be able to get away with it with people other than your parents but not now.

If worse comes to worst - apathy. It's what I currently use. Look at them with piercing, strong eyes that project independence. Do not give a shit about a single thing they do or say. However, this is not recommended. Because it might take a lot of misery on your parent's part and insults or beatings on yours.

Just stay smiling and resilient, in time your cheerfulness... May or may not rub off with your parents. But your chances of survival are higher if you are able to adapt.



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old January 6th, 2012, 08:43 PM   #8
mosin1942
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Default Re: Would this actually be abuse, or just tougher parents???

generally i just ignore them, i don't respond too terribly much when they go off, if it is an appropriate situation to do so i just walk away, if not i will sit there, be silent and wait for them to finish before i walk away (if they ask me to answer i will, but otherwise no) it takes a lot for me to actually get to where i am noticeably hurt, so there's not really a risk of getting teary eyed on my part. I have tried talking to them in the past and they just said "you're being abusive, i do not deserve to be treated like this!!!!" so i gave up trying to reason with them a long time ago, I graduate this year and will probably be moving for college come fall, so it won't last too much longer anyways
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