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Old January 4th, 2012, 05:56 AM   #1
Love.Hate
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Name: Fran
Join Date: October 16, 2009
Location: UK
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Default I needed to get this out..

*i apologise now for me babbling on*


On new years eve i was really really drunk, and sadly someone took advantage of that. I was raped and then left there to cry. Im not going into details because it was very horrific and i am traumatised. Since then, i have had two nights sleep since, loads of nightmares and im almost constantly crying or cutting. I told my mum last night and my ex boyfriend knows. I went round to my ex's yesterday all day and just sat there in his arms and cried.

I honestly feel disgusting, filthy, like he has poisoned me. Nobody is ever going to want me again, the thought of sex makes me shudder. I cant stop thinking about it, i cant get what he did to me out of my head. Im so tired of hurting like this, and its only been a few days. I was close to committing suicide last night. Mum is making me get tested for STD's and do a pregnancy test. But thank god she isnt forcing me to tell the police, i cannot and will not embarrass myself like that and re live it all over again..

I feel sometimes like its my fault, what could i have done to stop him... however in reality i know im not strong and i know i couldnt have got him off.

I might ring one of those helplines today, but im scared. I dont want to talk about it. Everyone says it gets better with time, but currently it is only getting worse. I have finally admitted to myself it has happened.. i want to run away from it all.

My ex is annoyed that im not telling the police, but surely its my choice? I dont know what to do, im terrified... if i told the police its too late to get DNA and its my word agaisnt his.. He wouldnt even get prosectuted with so little evidence. So i dont see the point in putting myself through that.

I want it to stop replaying in my head, im so sad its unreal, i wish i could switch myself off for a bit.. I hate living like this. I want to turn back time and not freeze, knee him in the balls or scream... :'(

Its all so unfair and i dont know how to cope. /sorry i just needed to get all of this out.


Don't let anybody ever bring you down.

Last edited by Love.Hate; January 4th, 2012 at 06:04 AM.
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Old January 4th, 2012, 12:24 PM   #2
FullyAlive
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Name: Louise (Lou)
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

What little advice I do have you've heard, I just want you to know I'll be here for you if you ever need anything. You were the last person who should have to go through this. But you're stronger than you think and you will pick yourself back up. It will be okay. I'm so sorry this happened. And sorry I have nothing better to say. <3


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


hello
number 6

~Aarony was here~
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Old January 4th, 2012, 01:17 PM   #3
Love.Hate
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Name: Fran
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullyAlive View Post
What little advice I do have you've heard, I just want you to know I'll be here for you if you ever need anything. You were the last person who should have to go through this. But you're stronger than you think and you will pick yourself back up. It will be okay. I'm so sorry this happened. And sorry I have nothing better to say. <3
Thankyou ever so much louise <3



i really appreciate it


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Old January 4th, 2012, 02:06 PM   #4
OnlyByTheNight.
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Hun it was a horrible thing to go through and I can only imagine the pain you are going through right now. However I know from seeing your posts on here that you are a strong person and that in time you -will- get passed this, don't doubt this fact.

I'm glad you are getting tested for STDs and taking a pregnancy test, it is the smartest thing to do and it's a positive sign that you are thinking clearly enough to do this.

Yes it is your choice to tell the police and nobody can make you tell but you must ask yourself do you really want the person who did this to you to walk free? But like I said only you can answer this question and it is totally up to you.

Lastly I just want you to know that I am here to talk if you want to, you have a hard while ahead of you but it will get easier to deal with.

~Failure is not falling down, it's not getting back up again~

~Laura was here~
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Old January 4th, 2012, 02:06 PM   #5
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Fran, it was not your fault. No matter what you could have done differently, it's already happened. There's nothing you can change now. And the thing is, you shouldn't feel at fault. The world teaches 'don't get raped' rather than 'don't rape'. He had absolutely no right to do what he did to you.

Call a helpline, love. You may not want to talk about it but you came and talked about it to us and those helplines are trained to support you. If you don't want to go to the police, that is definitely up to you but you need to find closure some other way. Cutting will only help for so long and killing yourself won't change what happened. Please don't throw your life away because this guy was such a royal arse. That being said, I don't know what it's like but I hope that means even a tiny bit.

You're such a strong and beautiful girl, Fran. You'll get through this.

I'd swim over to England to kick him a good kick in a specific place if I could. I'm always here if you need someone and you know how to get in touch with me.
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Old January 4th, 2012, 03:57 PM   #6
Love.Hate
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Name: Fran
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Thankyou so much girls, i went to see the doctors so i have booked an appointment for the scary tests.. hopefully it will help me move on.. knowing at least he hasnt poisoned me as well as hurt me.

It really means a lot, im going to call one of those helplines soon, but when im in the right frame of mind to do so and to not completely break down <3



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Old January 5th, 2012, 11:07 AM   #7
Amaryllis
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Oh no. Fran, it just broke my heart to read this.(Hypothetically speaking but it really gaahgfsdhfreg) This is horrible, Fran! I wish it didn't happen to you. Oh gah... Wait, 20 minute pause to collect myself.

I hope you know I understand how you feel - our situations are different but I can relate to some extent. The first time's always the worst and hopefully this won't ever happen to you again - which it most probably will not. I know you feel "dirty" but please don't let that hold you back from all the simple joys in your life.

You probably feel violated now and you might even hate yourself somewhat but you're right, it isn't your fault. I know it feels like it was, like you shouldn't have been there, shouldn't have done that, should've said something or blablabla. But what's the point in blaming yourself? It's already happened and the past is something you cannot change. But what you -can- do now is to choose to become stronger from this.

You can choose to not let him ruin you completely but instead become a better person, with greater empathy and experience. You're resilient and you've survived, Fran. Thrive even more and make us all and yourself proud.

The images are very hard to deal with and sometimes it feels as if you can feel him all over again - but they do fade in time. I can't promise you they'll go away completely but the impact of the memories don't have to hurt as much if you choose to not let it.

I'm not going to say "report it to the police" like most people. Because it's something I've never been... Brave enough to do. I tend to say "oh it's because I don't want to end up in a foster home" and I don't. That's the main reason, probably. But I'm afraid, too, Fran. I do feel ashamed and I don't want people to look at me differently. You can relate, I'm sure.

But if you do bring up the courage to call a hotline or report it, you'll gain tons, tons of extra respect from me and a lot of other people who've been sexually assaulted.

You could call a hotline anonymously and ask for advice. But... Ask yourself if the time, money, effort and emotional strain of reporting the rape. If you really want to get away from him, move. If you feel unsafe and don't wish to move, then you should probably report it.

You won't feel like having sexual relations for some time, I can't say how long but... Yeah, I will get back to you on that once I figure it out. I wrote an Understanding and Coping with Sexual Abuse guide, if you haven't seen it already. I don't even know if it's helpful xD But I tried to be.

I love you, Fran. We're here for you, always. I might not be able to give the best advice but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just a message away. Stay strong, love.



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old January 5th, 2012, 12:57 PM   #8
Love.Hate
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Name: Fran
Join Date: October 16, 2009
Location: UK
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Default Re: I needed to get this out..

Thankyou so so much sweetheart, I can relate to every single word of that.. I know it all takes time to heal, but the fact I have to wait with all these mental images.

I'm going to call a hotline, just have to wait for everyone to be out so I can cry all I like. I'm not going to report it to the police because (this may sound stupid) but I feel safer without them knowing, as he isn't out to get me for ruining his life this way.

However I have to be strong, there is no other way to be. I'm going to see a special rape councillor and I am forcing myself to be brave.....easier said than done however I can try.

Thankyou so much <3


Don't let anybody ever bring you down.
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Old January 7th, 2012, 12:44 PM   #9
TheHumanSpirit
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Default Re: I needed to get this out..

I couldn't put it any better than the above posters already have. With regard to calling the police: the point of this would be to help ensure that the person who did this to you does not do it to anyone else. Ultimately, it would be your choice; but remember, you have the power to try and save someone else from going through this. I can imagine that it must be hard to find the strength to go through with something like that, though, and it would be completely understandable if you chose not to go to the police.

Know that you have done nothing wrong in this situation. If you need anything, feel free to let me know.

Don't ever be afraid to be vulnerable, human, and unconditionally you.

♥ Love,
__TheHumanSpirit
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