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Old August 5th, 2011, 04:36 AM   #1
bambino
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Name: Cat
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Default :'(

not feeling great right now guys.
I always have stomach ache like all the time, if I don't eat for like something ridiculous like 2 hours I get stomach ache [fast metabolism?] so then I eat to get rid of it but then it gets worse. normally I have to lie down for an hour or so for it to subside [once I left history class and lay on college toilet floor for 10 minutes..not my brightest hour]
since ive been trying to gain weight i hardly ever get it because my stomachs always full but for past 2 days I lost my appetite [ I know I did keep trying to eat but it was really hard I kept going to be sick when I ate]

anyway it was one of my best friends birthdays yesterday, she looked truly beautiful so my BDD [body dysmorphic disorder] was haywire "why arent I that pretty" "I wish I looked like that" -obsessively checks in mirror-
THEN
i got terrible stomach ache so I ate, i tried to ride it out until I could go home but I ended up crying from pain then vomiting because it hurt so bad -with the entire house full of people listening. i still haven't eaten since like lunch time yesterday because im scared to be sick, and im angry with my body- I fucking ate. I was being healthy and gaining weight. I haven't gone on the scales. Do I make myself eat? I'm really scared. I feel really weak and faint.

To make it worse my Mum told me today I need my head sorting,theres something wrong with me..I'm exactly like my Dad [hes bipolar] blah dee blahhh. Then trys to get me to take my meds [which I stopped taking because they stop me being hungry?!]. She won't accept that this is just me, to know your own fucking mum thinks you're defected hurts. What hurts even more is her trying to shove drugs down my throat everytime I disagree with her, like she'd rather me be drugged- than by myself.

Temptation to self harm is so bad. I just feel ugly and frustrated and like a failure. How hard is it to gain weight. I want to be beautiful and full of energy so I can have regular periods and not feel tired all the time.
but I'm just a vomiting, nauceas wreck.

Last edited by bambino; August 5th, 2011 at 04:42 AM.
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Old August 5th, 2011, 07:58 AM   #2
Amaryllis
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Default Re: :'(

Oh, honey... I just want to give you one tight hug. You are doing amazing. You really are. The pain WILL subside. I promise you. It was horrible for me at first too but now I'm okay. I admit, I still compare myself to others and wish with all my might that I was them. I want to be beautiful, so, so bad. And I know, from the eye of a photographer(I truly love photography. I love taking pictures of everyone and making EVERYONE look beautiful. Because everyone IS beautiful, through my lens) that I am not "beautiful" per say. I'm not hideous either. And I'm learning to be okay with that...

Honestly, I just really want someone to love me.

And I know you do too. But Cat, you gotta love you. You will stumble. It's like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's okay. You WILL get there. I promise you. Baby steps. What may seem impossible today may not be so hard tomorrow. You are not ugly AT ALL. trust me, I am not saying this as your friend. Look at my photographs:

http://xtintedlullabyx.deviantart.com/

I know what beauty is. And believe me. You are MODEL MATERIAL. You will get there. Just keep trying. Don't ever give up. You've come too far to let it all go. Your tummy will return back to normal. I ran 4 miles without having to worry about a thing It was wonderful.

My mother says cruel things like that too. My mom's the bipolar one though. My dad told me he pitied my existence and that him and my mom should never have brought me here, But I'm trying, trying to believe that it isn't true. I'm not so useless. Neither are you. Don't give up. It'll be okay. It'll get better. It's all worth it. YOU are worth it.

Love,
Faith And Trust



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old August 7th, 2011, 08:06 AM   #3
bambino
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I love your photos FaithAndTrust, you're really talented- don't ever give it up, i think its a gift to be able to capture beauty [whether thats through media or art or writing]

Thank you hun, *internet hug* i went to the doctor she seemed a bit concerned about my weight but my BMI has improved slightly. She said she thinks I'm anemic ..but I dunno, I have tohave blood tests next week she gave me tablets to settle my stomach too

i still haven't self-harmed and don't plan to.
Thanks for being there, talk soon. Had a weird past few days. Hope you've been doing well!!
you beautiful wonderful girl
lots of love
amber
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Old August 7th, 2011, 09:51 AM   #4
Amaryllis
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Amber's such a beautiful name. Really suits you I hope you're doing better. And don't worry about the anemic part. I was too. My doc made me take more red meat ;P I really do hope you do better and thank you And once again, you truly are beautiful. You're worth recovery.

Love,
Faith And Trust



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old August 7th, 2011, 09:52 AM   #5
Riotboy
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Default Re: :'(

Your body might not like what you eat. eg white/red meats <-i know em all from hunting
vegetables.
blood flow
bowels do you drink alchohole much? *sorry i cant spell*
sleep regualy?
sports?
thier is alot of stuff like that that can resort to what you have, and your not ugly
i dont know you and Faith and Trust. i like ur photos on devinart

sorry wall convo dont mind me

Last edited by Riotboy; August 7th, 2011 at 09:55 AM. Reason: beacuse i am awesome :P
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Old August 8th, 2011, 04:22 AM   #6
bambino
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Default Re: :'(

I don't drink alcohol hardly ever. I sleep loads, like I nap in the day because I get tired quick. Don't do sports. I used to run.
I dont know doctor seemed to think there was too much acid in my stomach so when I did have food stomach produces too much acid and causes pain. The tiredness could be due to anemia. blood tests on wednesday! Thanks for the concern both of you (:
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Old August 8th, 2011, 11:59 AM   #7
SWMG
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Default Re: :'(

Girl, it seems like you have been doing really good and you just have to keep it that way, always remember that you are pretty and that matters, whenever you get feelings that you are not pretty enough just I am PRETTY!!! and about the stomach pain fruits tend to be really good for stomach pains
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