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Old July 23rd, 2011, 08:07 AM   #1
bambino
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Post A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

To all the beautiful users of VT

I've written this 'letter' on 23 July, sitting at my computer with a glass of tropicana and so much to say and no idea how to express it all. I don't know if you're going to skim read this, or not read it at all- intent on finding 'tips' or somewhere to vent about your family being awfully mean and trying to make you eat. If you are in that frame of mind, this might not help you- but please, read on either way.

My name isn't Cat, my real name is Amber. I'm 18 and I live in the UK. I've struggled with my eating for a couple of years now, and I know the pull of Anorexia*
One of my best friends has suffered with an ED for almost 3 years. And so that's where a wealth of my experience comes from. Prior to her developing Anorexia I was struggling with BDD and so my own eating was erratic [thats Body Dysmorphic Disorder and often accompanies ED]

My friend began dieting, it became an ED. All of her friends became desperate to get her to eat. Always checking on her, trying to encourage her at meal times. She soon dropped well below a healthy BMI, she was given a crisis team which is a group of 4-5 mental health professionals who would see her everyday. She stopped coming to college.
When she evetually went into hospital her BMI was around 13. She went to a cardiac unit [thats for hearts] because they were scared she would have heart failure. They moved her to an ED clinic. She wasn't allowed to walk, they put her in a wheelchair, she had to have a nurse accompany her constantly and they told us her organs were a third of their original size and that bone marrow was missing from her spine because her body had begun eating itself, her heart could fail at any moment.


skinny means even more depressed than what you are right now. I absolutely despise myself. I want to be what I was BEFORE anorexia [...] Anorexia is evil. It is a lose-lose battle. You win nothing [...] When you don't eat, you grow weak. Too weak to talk, laugh, study, live. You slowly become obsessed with food. So obsessed you don't care about anything else [...] You won't be able to concentrate on anything but food, people will grow tired of you and your grades will plummet. You'll grow to hate yourself, everyone and life more than you already do [...]if you choose to go down the path I did, you will never be happy ~ FaithAndTrust [Anorexia sufferer]


An ED is not control, it controls YOU.
What most people don't realise in the early stages of anorexia, is that once you are actually as thin as you wanted- you will be too ill to get out of your bed and live, no-one will see you looking thin, no-one will want to see you because by this point you will hardly have any friends left, you're left alone on 'bed rest' they call it to stop you burning any more calories, you have a nurse take you to the bathroom [yes, they have to watch you urinate], they wake you up every hour through the night to take your blood pressure and make sure your heart hasn't failed. You spend your waking hours crying and wishing you were dead. And guess what. You still don't think you're thin enough.

I messaged a pretty girl on VT who said she wanted an ED. She said everyone thought she was ugly and she hated herself, she just wanted to be 'dateable' and for boys to like her.

People will ridicule you no matter WHAT you are, Pim. It doesn't matter if you're tall, short, "average", fat, skinny, stupid or smart, mean or nice, they will do whatever the bloody hell they want. Don't wait to be accepted, accept yourself first~ FaithAndTrust

people will be cruel, and put you down. There's not a person alive who hasn't been put down at one point in their life. So why should how you look define you? Being a kind hearted, selfless person is far more valuable. Pretty is as pretty does.

Why should everything about you, all your value as a person be based on what you look like? I don't think its right that happiness correlates directly to whether you can fit in with some unattainable standard the media forced on you.
Why is it so important to you to be 'dateable'? Why is your self worth so wrapped up in how the male sex percieves you, the only person who's opinion of you you should care about - is your own.
Because like I said, you're the one that has to live with the person you decided to become and the choices you made. There is more to life than being somebodys girlfriend, and there is more to life than being 'hot' or 'skinny'. Love is not finding the perfect person, its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Beauty, beauty is shining hair, glowing skin and bright eyes, beauty is enjoying life and enjoying your body, enjoying food and the swell of a full stomach and laughing and being kind and kisses and hugs and how you look at the people you love and making people smile and being a shoulder to cry on and wiping a tear from your friends cheek and dancing to music in the sun and beauty- beauty is so much more than what the media tell you it is.

>if you are a loving person people will love you
>if you have an ugly heart nothing will make you beautiful
>looks fade but you will have to live with your decisions, and who you decided to become forever
>if you agree to an ED you agree to stop loving your friends and family because there's no room for love, there's only room for Ana and no matter how badly you are hurting the people that care about you- you won't stop
>what you have to give up to fit in with the pressures society placed on you, will haunt you always
>Anorexia is a death warrant and worst of all, it makes you think you deserve to die


If you carry on with this idea, you'll pray for the days when you were a healthy pretty girl* with her whole life ahead of her. And who's happiness doesn't rely on a number on the scales, and who wishes, like so many [FaithAndTrust included] that they had never begun.
If you are already in the grips of anorexia or another ED, tell your parents, tell your friends, tell your doctor and be ready to fight it. It is a part of you which needs fighting against, and every victory no matter how small will set you free a little bit more.

All my Love
Amber


EDIT: * I have addressed this mainly to female users and I apologize, but I'm speaking for the majority- but this is still for everyone, male or female
*I'm going to use this term to include Bulimia and EDNOS

Last edited by bambino; July 24th, 2011 at 10:44 AM.
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 12:15 PM   #2
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

I hinestly do not care if this was written more towards the female side fo VT but I have to say you are a gifted writer and have made a rather nice entery here.

The information provided by myself is not a substitute for that of a LICENSED PHYSICIAN.
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“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
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“Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.”
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 01:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

All I want to say is thank you.
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 02:02 PM   #4
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Even when you're pretty, you will get criticised. In fact, the better looking I got the more hurtful comments I recieved. Most girls are bitter and unhappy with themselves, so they thrive on insulting others who are a threat to them in order to make them feel better about their average selves.

I guess you can say it works either way. Attractive or unattractive.

"I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in." ~ Charles Manson
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 04:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Thank you for reading, I have so much affection for you both.
Stay strong
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 10:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Thanks for sharing this, Cat. And for including the things I said It means a lot.

I'm no longer "skinny". I was 50 pounds at one point and I nearly died. They were threatening to tube-feed me. I'm heavier than I ever was but honestly, that's okay. I'm a better person now. I am more loved than when I was a skeleton, more loved than when I wasn't anorexic.

Most of the time I wish it never happened. But we can only accept what we can't and change what we can. And going through all that made me a stronger and more empathetic person.

You can be skinny and alone, skinny and depressed, skinny and miserable. Skinny does not equate to happiness. If you don't love yourself, you will never be skinny enough

I feel fat sometimes and sometimes I think I look "fat". But I'm happier. I am "fat" but loved, "fat" but happier, "fat" but kinder.

You are your own worst critic. It doesn't matter if you're 200 pounds, 150, 100, 50 or even 0 pounds. If you don't love yourself, you will never be enough. No one can bring you down without your consent This includes Ana, Bulimia, Compulsive over-eating, disordered eating and everything else.

It's hard to fight it but all you need is to have Faith in your recovery, Trust in yourself and a little bit of pixie dust.

And the pixie dust is you.



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 23rd, 2011, 10:43 PM   #7
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Madam thanks. I cannot say much else other than thanks.

Little kids check under their beds for monsters.
Monsters check under their beds for Chuck Norris.
Chuck norris checks under his bed for Duke Nukem.
Duke Nukem checks under his bed for Gordon Freeman.
Gordon Freeman checks under his bed to check if his crowbar is still there.
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Old July 24th, 2011, 04:16 AM   #8
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Wow... thank you for posting this. You explained things so elegantly and truthfully. Good luck in all your struggles and endeavours

"God take me, because I hate me"


"Burn it down, till the embers smoke on the ground. And start new, when your heart is an empty room..."
"Tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. And my weakness is that I care too much.
My scars remind me that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel..."
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Old July 24th, 2011, 04:28 AM   #9
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Beautiful writing! Thank you so much for posting this! I bet a lot of people will find this very helpful.
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Old July 24th, 2011, 08:32 AM   #10
Travis Is Losing It
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Thank you amber (love your name), I wish more people would post things like this. I have tried but realise i only have a sentance or two :/. But I think this should be shown to everyone because it is very important for people to understand. With your permission I would like to post this as a note on my Facebook (and give you credit and post a link to this thread) because I have alot of people who struggle with this
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Old July 24th, 2011, 10:20 AM   #11
bambino
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

thank you all for being so positive, I was worried about what reception this would get! I'm wishing for the best for all of you, I'm really happy that people have been so responsive to it. FaithAndTrust contributed a lot of inspiring quotes, she's so amazing and geared towards encouraging recovery.

You 100% have my permission to post this, dont feel you need to credit me- I dont mind either way, I refuse to shy away from having my name attached to it because I despise the shame and stigma attached to EDs, and I believe in everything I said. But similarly, don't think I'll be offended if you leave it anon.


The words are whats most important not who said it, they might as well as come from any one of us; the truth in them is what makes them valuable.

thank you again and love to you all, Amber

Last edited by bambino; July 24th, 2011 at 10:31 AM.
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Old July 24th, 2011, 10:44 AM   #12
Travis Is Losing It
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

Thank you I just posted it up as a note on facebook hope my friends read it (since apparently i always have good notes x.x)
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Old July 24th, 2011, 10:54 AM   #13
bambino
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Default Re: A letter to all of you, yes you reading this right this second

I'm sure they will and I really hope it means something to them
stay strong hun (:
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