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Old July 15th, 2011, 09:43 AM   #1
LifeisLife
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Default eating habits

My eating habits are pretty varied... A few weeks ago I would eat and eat and eat all day long but now sometimes the only thing i eat in a whole 2 days is a bag of chips and plain bread... I dont feel as hungry anymore and my family and friends are starting to notice because I dont eat as much as I used to (i was ALWAYS the one that ate everything the fastest and the most, at home and at school) I barely ever feel hungry anymore :/ is this an eating disorder? and if not then what is it?
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Old July 15th, 2011, 12:25 PM   #2
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Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you hurt? Tell the truth. If you don't worry about how you look or if you don't think you're fat or need to lose weight, it probably isn't but if you do, it could be. If you don't though, maybe you're just depressed or lonely or you just feel bad. Talk to me. Feel free to rant, complain, ask for help, anything. And tell the truth. You'll be alright

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Old July 15th, 2011, 12:55 PM   #3
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I'm okay, I stopped cutting since almost a week ago (which is pretty long ago seeing as that I used to every day) and I'm over the girl I couldnt get out of my head for a month! I've been eating like this for about 3 weeks now and I really dont get what's wrong :/ I see eating more as a chore/job then as something fun usually, except if it's getting icecream/mcdonalds or something like that with friends I feel like it's a chore... I usually dont eat breakfast anymore, I eat snack at around 11 AM (which is just 1 caprisun) and then i throw my lunch away because i dont want to eat it, i dont eat lunch and nothing in between dinner or lunch... i also usually dont finish my dinner because I get full so easily now I dont get it because nothing really bothering me... I just feel kinda fat and whenever i see myself in the mirror and I'm really self-concious about my clothes, hair and weight but there's basically nothing bothering me.
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Old July 15th, 2011, 01:19 PM   #4
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Pim, can I call you that? I'm gonna try my best to help you. The further down you tumble into the depths of an eating disorder, the harder it is to get out. When you eat really little and lose weight, you'll actually want to starve. That happens sometimes. It's a brain thing. I'm not good with science but I did everything I could to try to beat that voice. Still am

I'm 14 going on 15 in 2 months now. I developed an eating disorder when I was 13. I didn't know what it was, at first. I didn't realise. I was always the outsider in my group. I've never been a funny person and the thing is, I've always been a perfectionist. I spent my time practicing for productions, singing, studying, doing homework. I craved control.

Anyway, when I had to go for this academic competition, I was really stressed. Someone opted out at the last minute and they picked me all of a sudden, as a replacement. I had 3 weeks to have 9 books(they were hundreds of pages thick) memorised and understood. That's when I developed my eating disorder. I wanted to lose a couple pounds for some stupid dress for some stupid party that never came. Anyway long story short, I spiraled downhill.

Sure, I lost a lot of weight. But at the price of everything. My friends who were already growing distant, left completely. I was alone with myself, fighting a voice in my head screaming at me each day, "You're fat. You're ugly. You deserve to die. You're so stupid. You're useless. Nobody loves you. Kill yourself. Make the numbers disappear. Skinnier. Lighter. Zero. You have to be zero."

Anyway, I got to 50 pounds. I got to the point when I couldn't sleep, when food was my life, when I spent my nights exercising, when I had to choose death or recovery. I really wanted to die by then. I was skinny but more miserable than I'd ever been. I can tell you, this eating disorder was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse than cutting, worse than the 7 years of depression. I cried over eating half a slice of birthday cake on my 14th birthday. I knew I was going to die. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't sit, I had to burn calories. I was in so much pain. My body was burning me for fuel. I was dying inside out and outside in. Food was like poison to me. But I got there. I'm here. Heavier than I ever was before anorexia but still, I'm alive and I'm not in pain. I'm starting to rebuild my friendships too

My point is: Skinny is not worth the consequences. Nothing good comes of it. Don't hurt yourself. Starving is just another form of self-harm. And it's worse because unlike cutting, you WILL die.

Believe me, you look amazing, you are perfect the way you are. I know it's hard but try to eat. Are you depressed? Do you feel out of control? Did someone say something mean? Did someone encourage you to lose weight? And try to look at yourself differently. I tell this time and time again: A skinny tree is not more beautiful than a big, strong, sturdy tree. The sun is neither fat nor ugly. You will never be good enough if you can't love yourself. Kudos for not self-harming for a week. I'm so proud of you. Hold on there. You can do this. You'll beat this and come out a stronger person. I promise you. Feel free to PM me, leave a comment or email, anything.

Love,
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"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember

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Old July 15th, 2011, 01:57 PM   #5
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Yeah, you can call me Pim... And before I start talking about me and my eating habits again I'de like to say that I'm proud that you weigh more now then before because that's healthy! (: I know that it isnt healthy to starve yourself but I dont feel comfortable at all!

Ok the truth is that I am bothered by something, it may sound stupid but its important to me... My hair and clothes are always commented on and whatever I do people never seem to like it, that made me extremely self-concious about it so whenever people make jokes about my hair/clothes now I dont know what to say to them anymore, I just leave and dont want to talk to them ever again... Also, my summer vacation started yesterday and I went to the school play (they always do it on the last day of school) but the friend that I was going with cancelled.

I went to the play alone anyways because it was raining and I didnt want to bike back and I saw some people I hadn't said goodbye to yet so I stayed.... Before the play started I saw some of my friends and went over to them to talk to them, only one actually said hey and talked to me before she had to leave to the gym to start setting up for the play (she was stage crew) so I was left there alone. My other friends completely ignored me and didnt even talk to me and whenever I said/did something it was all wrong.... My other few friends that were in the play, which i was speaking to during the intermission) were having inside jokes all the time, i was glad they were laughing and happy and stuff but they were kinda rude, so i just decided not to talk to them and go to the bathroom to cry...

When I came back to the gym, i sat with the friends that had ignored me and they didnt notice that I cried. (thank God!) When the play was over I said goodbye to the last few people that I didnt have a chance for and then I wanted to say goodbye to my friends, who were completely ignoring me and basically running from me because whenever I came to them, they split up and met back up somewhere else or just walked away all together... I was really hurt so I left the building (while crying might I add) and biked home alone through the rain... Now I'm sick.

Everybody tells me I'm not fat but they dont see me the way I do and I see myself as fat. I'm pretty happy/sad because I just ate ALL my dinner and it was really fatty stuff :/ It's been a week since I was made really happy, it lasted for 2 days until my parents crushed it. :l I think I wont eat anything tomorrow...

BTW: thank you for the support, you really seem like you know what you're talking about and your questions are ones that get me thinking (:
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Old July 15th, 2011, 02:16 PM   #6
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Honestly, I don't know what I'm talking about heh... I'm just a 99 year old trapped in a little girl's body who really does want to help, though I might not always. And hey, that does not sound stupid AT ALL.

I know what it's like to be super hurt by your friends. Sometimes little things like them saying "Uh... Z... This is kind of a private conversation. Could you go away?" really hurt. They really, really hurt. And when you just walk behind while they're all bundled together chatting and laughing in front. It makes you feel small, insignificant and useless.

You know what? Your friends are jerks. They are complete bumholes and if I were there, I'd throw rubber-band balls at their heads. I make very good balls. Paper balls, pin balls, you name it, I'll make it. But Pim, Pim, that doesn't make YOU the problem. Okay, I gotta say, the way you think has everything to do with what you think of yourself but I know what it's like to feel like you HAVE to live up to everyone's expectations, to your own, that you have to be good enough.

I'm a straight A student. At least, I was, before anorexia. I missed so many days of class, I couldn't. I managed to get all Bs though, with 2 As. I know that might seem like a pretty damn good job to most people, afterall, I missed half the semester's classes. I was too weak to go. Too unstable.

The thing is though, you're not just your hair or your clothes or your face, body or skin. You're more than that. I'm more than my grades. It's hard but umm... I think I'm kind. I think I'm pretty nice and empathetic. And I think I'm not that ugly... I'm okay. I try to think that way, I really do but I know, it's hard. I'm not expecting you to suddenly think you're the most amazing guy in the world and just walk out naked in the streets haha. But, next time that little, stupid, annoying voice tells you "You're fat", tell it, "I'm not. F off. I don't need you. No one's gonna like me any better if I'm skinny" Which is true, in fact, people liked me less. What do you love to do? What are your talents? What kinda person are you? Your appearance isn't all you are. It's a small miniscule percentage of you.

Your friends aren't your friends. My friends left me when I need them most. And I really needed them. Honestly, I still do. But I can't blame them. Sometimes they just don't know what to say to me, they don't know what's in my head, they don't know that I'm hurting, they don't know I want to die. It's the same for you. Your friends might not even be realising they're hurting you so bad.

Eat, Pim. You have to. When that voice says "You fat pig! You ate too much! Don't eat.", do the EXACT opposite. You know what I do when it tells me "You're fat. Don't eat that cookie", I eat that cookie and tell it "Yeah. Screw you. I'm eating. Suck it!"

You can't let that voice grow. Kill it before it gets as big as mine. An eating disorder is the WORST thing that can ever happen to you. At least, it was/is, for me. I can't cope with this voice in my head. It's grown so big, I can't look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to claw my eyes out. The hate is beyond anything I've ever felt. But that's the voice talking, I know. But I let it. I trusted it, believed it, let it guide me, let it stop me from eating, with every bit of food I didn't eat, I fed it a little more. I'm fought it, I'm fighting it. You can too. Before it's too late. And don't ever feel that any pain you feel is stupid because it's not. It's real and it hurts.

Faith And Trust



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 15th, 2011, 02:35 PM   #7
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Quote:
And when you just walk behind while they're all bundled together chatting and laughing in front. It makes you feel small, insignificant and useless.
EXACTLY. I walked by them and that's EXACTLY what they did. Also during the rest of the year they did that, that's why I always befriend the new kids and dont stick to the old friends because they'll ignore me anyways.

Ok this is making me feel even worse. just let me tell you this before I go on about it, my school's final grades are out of 7, not letters and not out of 10 but out of 7. This is making me feel worse because you're smart and you can manage to make full B's and 2 A's while I come to literally every class that I had this year and havent missed ONE schoolday in this whole year, yet I cant pass with more then a 5/7, I never got higher then a B- (5) and I feel like even when I try I do bad.

I dont really hear a voice though, it's more like I see myself and then i dont think I'm skinny... I dont think that people that are anorexia-skinny are pretty but I dont feel like I look normal for my weight, I think I look fat for my weight... I have no problems with my weight itself, just how I look... :/
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Old July 16th, 2011, 02:36 AM   #8
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Default Re: eating habits

Wow, you're like a male version of me haha. I do that too. New kids love me. I go to an international school so we have LOTS of new kids. And people leave practically every 2 months. The new kids leave me for their new friends though. Which hurts. I'm sure you know what I mean. Sometimes I introduce them to my friends and even if I don't, they end up more popular and loved than I am. I wish I could just give you a hug.

Don't feel bad. Bs and Cs are amazing. A 5 out of 7 makes you really smart. The average is like 3. We're both really harsh on ourselves. Everyone thinks I'm smart and I just feel like I have something to live up to. Like I have to bs a winner or be nothing at all, number 1 or 0. But the thing is, we are our own harshest critics. We hurt ourselves more than anyone does. People will never accept us if we can't accept ourselves. Sometimes I feel like I used up all my love and strength on others. You probably feel like you'll never be good enough unless everyone else loves you but we can't rely on others for love.

If you rely on someone for strength, you will fall. If you rely on someone for kindness, you will never be kind to yourself. If you rely on someone for love, you are giving someone a part of you to break.

I know this probably doesn't make a difference because hell, I'm the fakest girl in the world, I don't let anyone in. The thing is though, when you give up and leave, you grow even more distant, when you help new kids, you're wedging more Walls between you and your friends and hey, i pretend I'm bulletproof but it still hurts.

Try your best to talk to your friends. You seem like a really nice, kind, sweet, mature and understanding guy. If they can't see that, they're a bunch of idiots. I can't make it better. If I lived where you did, I'd sit with you every lunch time and give you a hug whenever you cried but bleh, I don't live where you do.

I know you FEEL fat. I know you THINK you're fat but ARE you fat? Ask yourself. Really. Are you? You're far from it, Pim. You have hair I would kill for, beautiful eyes, a nice nose, high cheekbones, you're good looking no matter what you think or say. Don't become anorexic. I used to have beautiful, long and wavy midnight black hair. And tilted almond Asian eyes. I WAS beautiful. Before anorexia. Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better.

Faith And Trust



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 16th, 2011, 07:19 AM   #9
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Quote:
Wow, you're like a male version of me haha. I do that too. New kids love me. I go to an international school so we have LOTS of new kids. And people leave practically every 2 months. The new kids leave me for their new friends though. Which hurts. I'm sure you know what I mean. Sometimes I introduce them to my friends and even if I don't, they end up more popular and loved than I am.
I go to an international school aswelll but i doubt in the same country and yeah it does hurt when they leave you, i had that around december and just a month ago i had the same again but it's their loss, not mine...

Quote:
Don't feel bad. Bs and Cs are amazing. A 5 out of 7 makes you really smart. The average is like 3.
Uhmmm.... most of the people in my class came on honour roll and got endavour awards, you neeed a 5.5 average for both of those, i barely made a 4.7. I dont feel smart and the average might be like that for you but at my school they excpect that you get atleast 5's even though 4 is passing....

Quote:
You seem like a really nice, kind, sweet, mature and understanding guy.
The thing is that i have history with a lot of these people (aka loads of fights) and most people think im some immature little kid that doesnt know how to pass classes and just BSes throughout the whole year... nobody really thinks im nice or happy because the only time that people pay attention to me is when i have tantrums or when i cry... also most people dont trust me or tell me anything because they all think i'll tell everyone because of ONE thing that i told 1 person like a year ago, which was the wrong person :/
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Old July 16th, 2011, 07:58 AM   #10
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Wow this is too creepy. Maybe I'm actually your asian twin sister and I was kidnapped at birth. Haha.

You're too hard on yourself, Pim. No one's perfect. Look at the sig below ;P Seriously though.... Comparing yourself to others is the worst thing you could do. Nothing good comes of this. I wish I could just make you see yourself through my eyes.

What were the fights about?



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 16th, 2011, 09:06 AM   #11
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haha i wish you were

the fights were about many different things, one started out with me asking for a cookie and ended up in me getting another good friend, others were about me sitting in a chair where i dont usually sit and ended up in a fight (punching and scratching and kicking kind of fight).... there were so many! one was even because i drew on the chalkboard while there were 2 others drawing on the same place and ended in them going to the principal and me crying for another 2 lessons...
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Old July 16th, 2011, 09:12 AM   #12
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Man... Kids are so mean these days. Well, seriously. They're a bunch of jerks. I really can't help you with making them nicer. I would if I could though. But what you can change is yourself. How you react to things. If they're mean, tell yourself it's them, not you. Because really, it's not you. You'll grow up and hopefully, so will they. And they'll see what idiots they were.

Don't let them make you fall down into the deep, dark spiral of depression and anorexia. They're not worth your pain.

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"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 16th, 2011, 02:54 PM   #13
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URGH. :'( i dont want to change. if they cant handle me then f*ck them.... that's how i feel but at the same time i feel like this: you're right, i should be the one to change, not them.

i always think from 2 perspectives and it only hurts my head more. :'(
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Old July 16th, 2011, 09:59 PM   #14
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There's a difference between what you know you SHOULD do and what your emotions tell you to do. What differentiates the wise from the idiots is which voice you choose to listen to. I'm not calling you an idiot because believe me, I've been the idiot more than I've been the wise.

I truly want to drown and starve and die. I really do. But I know you're thinking, I shouldn't. You know what's right. I chose to talk to my "friends" even though sometimes they were cruel. Really cruel. They're slowly starting to let me in. Not all. But one's all I need. You can change and when you do, so will they.

If you wear blue shades, the world will be blue. If you wear pink, you'll see pink.

This is so corny and Monte Carlo but umm... You must be the change you want to see in the world xD

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"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 17th, 2011, 08:48 AM   #15
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To be honest, i dont know what to listen to this time. and yeah i also keep my "friends" and talk to them like nothing's going on while on the inside im just like: OMFG WHO THE F*CK CARES? I HATE YOU!

and no, others dont at this school, others change you, you dont change yourself.
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Old July 17th, 2011, 11:02 AM   #16
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You can't expect them to love you if you hate them, Pim. You gotta learn to start from 0. Because babe, you're only hateable(is that a word) if you let yourself be. You can be sweet and kind and loveable when you want to

And you CAN change yourself. Don't let society mold you into what they want you to be. You're not a barbie doll on a factory line. Choose.



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 17th, 2011, 12:47 PM   #17
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the thing is that i pretend that im their friend, and i know they do too... i found out like this: i was at school and then i went to the bathroom and when i came back i heard them talking about me so i hid around the corner and listened to the conversation i know it was wrong to listen to them like that but im actually more happy knowing they think that too....

next year i'll just befriend the new people again! we're getting a full new class, i think there's gonna be plenty of people!

Quote:
Don't let society mold you into what they want you to be. You're not a barbie doll on a factory line.
The thing is: at my school, there's only few people that are actually allowed to make decisions (with allowed i mean that if i would take a decision people wouldnt like me and i would be socially ruined and they wouldnt be) and if you disagree you can suck it and you're screwed.
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Old July 18th, 2011, 04:54 AM   #18
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thats probably not a eating disorder. but ask a doctor maybe?
me & my best mate have eating disorders... i mean we go 2weeks without eating... only ever eat when where with eachother.
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Old July 18th, 2011, 05:31 AM   #19
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Don't lose hope, Pim. You'll make new friends and maybe you'll even find one that you become really close with. And they'll grow up. They'll realise how immature and idiotic they were



"Never test the depth of water with both feet." - Some dude whose name I cannot remember
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Old July 18th, 2011, 09:11 AM   #20
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i finally ate something after a full day (over 24 hours) of going only on water... :/
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