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Old May 12th, 2011, 11:16 AM   #1
FullyAlive
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Default I made a plan.

I really wish certain people wouldn't see this but it's inevitable they will.

I made a plan a few weeks ago. I can't take living anymore. It gets worse with each day. Everyone says it'll get better, there are loads people worse off than you, and whether or not they're true and even if I sound selfish saying this I no longer fucking care my lifes gotten bad enough and yeah maybe there are some people who would like the benefits I have well they're welcome to them. I want to die.

The thing is first this plan was just to keep the suicidal thoughts away, to keep me sane. I told someone the other day that it was just my back up, in case counselling didn't work. Only problem is it's turned into something more than that, it's the only thing I'm living for. How messed up is that the only reason I'm living is so I can have the chance to die. I don't want counseling to work anymore, I don't want anything to work, I'd rather die, have the excuse I need to do it.

Now some of you may not believe me, others may not care. But to the other people I want your opinion I suppose, not help exactly because I've pretty much made up my mind. I just can't wait for these final weeks to be over, is that strange?

I've started the process collecting the stuff I need, planning out the day, thinking what I'll write in letters to the people I love. That's it I guess, I just needed to kind of tell someone? I'm not going to do it now, but I've made my plan and now I feel strangely at peace, knowing I've not got long.

And I also want to apologize, to certain people I've met on here and others who are unlikely to ever see this, I'm sorry that I intend to take the easy way out, but trust me it's a lot less easy than you think. But I hope others who are stronger than me, fight this, fight life, fight it all.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 12th, 2011, 11:49 AM   #2
bambino
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Default Re: I made a plan.

look, message me. hell message anyone on this site and talk to us.

life is never so hopeless, that the only option is killing yourself. You are strong. You can and will get through this. I know the pain, I do know the despair and the hurt. Worse than that, the numbness- but it does and will pass. There is too much to live for and you are so young. Think of all the things you could achieve, the career you could have, the friends, the life.

Think about your family and friends, imagine how devastated they would be- if you die a part of them will die too.

Please please do not go ahead with this. tell your family that you feel suicidal and need help. go to your doctor straight away, tell them how you feel and they will most likely organise a 'crisis team' and put you on anti-depressants. Do not carry the burden alone, its okay to have help, people to listen and support you.

Life is sacred, don't throw yours away. Think of why you have held on so long, just think of the reason and hold it in your mind and don't let go.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:13 PM   #3
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bambino View Post
look, message me. hell message anyone on this site and talk to us.

life is never so hopeless, that the only option is killing yourself. You are strong. You can and will get through this. I know the pain, I do know the despair and the hurt. Worse than that, the numbness- but it does and will pass. There is too much to live for and you are so young. Think of all the things you could achieve, the career you could have, the friends, the life.

Think about your family and friends, imagine how devastated they would be- if you die a part of them will die too.

Please please do not go ahead with this. tell your family that you feel suicidal and need help. go to your doctor straight away, tell them how you feel and they will most likely organise a 'crisis team' and put you on anti-depressants. Do not carry the burden alone, its okay to have help, people to listen and support you.

Life is sacred, don't throw yours away. Think of why you have held on so long, just think of the reason and hold it in your mind and don't let go.
This is amazing.

First, I tried doign this same thing many years ago (five actually, and that crisis team really helped) but please hear me out first.

I was afraid to ask for help because I thought that admitting that you needed help showed that you were weak, but it is not a sign of weakness. Asking for help shows that you have acknowledged your limits and are willing to admitt it to others so that in return for asking for help you can extend your limits.

We are all here to help you and I am not going to lie, the thoughts come back every now and then but it when I ask for the help it comes to me so fast that I am almost knocked back off my feet. I have some rather amazing friends that I have grown up with and I am sure that you do too.

Please ask for the help......................I have a story to tell but if you want to hear it please drop me a PM and we can talk. Please think about it.

The information provided by myself is not a substitute for that of a LICENSED PHYSICIAN.
----
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:18 PM   #4
FullyAlive
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Default Re: I made a plan.

I don't have anything to live for, I'm not going to get any good grades in my exams this year, so then I won't get my A levels then I won't get any career let alone one I want. I'm not pretty I have a tonne of ugly scars who'll love me like that?

Everybody says it'll get better, but it's been like this for months, months and months and nothings got better, it's got worse. So maybe it'll never get better, maybe this is what I deserve you don't know me, but if you did you'd agree this is nothing more than i deserve.

I do have help, I've been to my doctor she referred me for counseling because of my self harm. She makes me go see her, check up on me. But she won't give me pills, I'm not depressed and I'm only 16.

And thanks but my life is anything but sacred, the only reason I held on this long is because I had a plan. It was always not yet it'll mess up my plan. Even when all I could hear were people screaming at me to end it, I didn't I held on to my plan. I've got no other reason.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:23 PM   #5
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise, please don't take the easy way out. it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things WILL get better. I promise you that Louise. Keep up the small amount of hope you have left. People here on VT will miss you too much.
It's not worth it at all. Look at all you have left in life; you're so young. You can still have a husband or wife, and raise children and be with the ones you love. Suicide is never worth it.

Right now though Louise I think you need some immediate help. Have you considered going inpatient till you can become stable? These past few days I've seen you be feeling worse and worse. At least in a mental health facility you will be able to get a little help and be with those who want to see you get better.


Message me at any time. Night or day, I'll respond. If you need my IM adresses etc just let me know. They're all connected to my phone so I'll answer.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:24 PM   #6
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Default Re: I made a plan.

You're right! I do not know you but I beleive that all life is speacial and you were put on this Earth for a reason, what is it that you want to be when you grow up? You are 16, still young enough to raise your grades, I had some really bad grades my freshman/sophomore year but I am a pre-med student now, it can be done, you just have to want it enough.

I beleive no one should die like this, I beleive it should be with the person you married and 50+ years of marriage. I beleive that this has made you stronger and you need to keep fighting. I will not lie, the battle is over but the war is still ahead, everyhting will get worse before it gets better. Please take this time to reflect over the years and try to imagine how this is going to affect the people that you know and love.

We are all here to help, so please give us a chance.

The information provided by myself is not a substitute for that of a LICENSED PHYSICIAN.
----
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“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:31 PM   #7
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Default Re: I made a plan.

I've not considered inpatient no, I really don't think I need it. I'm not that bad not really not in comparison to others. Thank you Rob for caring.

And thanks Robert, but no I'm not young enough to raise my grades, I take my exams this year starting Monday and I'm just in no state to revise for them I can't concentrate. I don't know I really think I'll be doing the people I love a favour.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:35 PM   #8
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise. Grades are not everything. You don't need good grades. Yes you'll need grades to get into colleges usually, but my sister literally failed 3 of her 4 years of high school. She's now going to an Ivy League school. They take into consideration the circumstances one was under now.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:38 PM   #9
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise, if you've planned and attempted to take your own life several times thats more than seriously enough to consider inpatient. You mean so much to so many people. Just think about it, if you were to do that what would those people do? I know a certain person that would definitely take it hard no matter what I did i know I wouldn't be able to help her with getting through that alone. Grades aren't the most important thing in the world. They really aren't, you can always go back and do them at a later date if need be, just dont throw all this away.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:41 PM   #10
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Don't give up Louise. Never give up. Ever. No matter how hopeless it nay seem. It'll get better. I've been in a bad place since I was born, 18 years. But I still haven't given up. Why? I know it'll get better. It has to. And mess don't always help. I hate taking them. But anyway. Just give it time, it'll get better. It has to. Like Churchill said KBO, keep going.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 01:55 PM   #11
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Rob it may be stupid but to me grades are everything it's the only thing I've ever been good at it's how I identify myself, without having that I'm even less than I am now.

And Aaron, I know who you're talking about, obviously. But before I ever do anything I'll come up with some way to make sure she'll be ok. There has to be something I can do. And also what if I don't want to go to hospital they'd try to fix me not only would they keep me alive they'd stop me cutting, they'd make me eat aswell.

And Matt, thanks. But seriously how do you know it'll get better? I've been waiting and waiting but nothings changed how can you be so certain?


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:08 PM   #12
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise. Bad grades don't make you less of you I promise *hug*

Aaron is right, the hospital would probably help you a lot right now
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:14 PM   #13
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise,

I will not make the same promise that the people above have made because I myself have been in your shoes. I did not come to grips to tell anyone because I never had such a thing as VT or rather anyone that gave a shit about me enough to say that "this is not going to fix it", but I'm going to tell you right now that; This is not going to fix it. This is not going to turn your problems into roses and bloom for you to smile.

For every reason there is for me to kill myself, there is 2 for me to live. I won't promise that things are going to get better right away because I don't have a crystal ball to tell you what the future holds, but I will tell you that what you're doing right now, will not only ruin you completely, but will take you down and I know deep down in your heart of hearts that this isn't what you want to do. You want the help, but you're just not hearing the right answers. I don't know you at all, so I cannot and most likely would not sit here and make a list of things for you to live for because those are things that you know and things that should keep you living.

Just stop for a second and think about this; what are you doing? Are you doing everything you can to fix this? I know there are things that just have you at this edge, but have you done everything you can? Have you put the effort in to living? You said it yourself "you're 16" hunny, if I could even have the time back that I lost at 16, at 16 I dropped out of high school, left my mothers house and was hooked on numerous drugs and was losing my one and only lover. Yet the reason I'm still here is to help people like you find the helping hand that I know you need to live. I may not be the one to tell you that I love you, but the other people in this thread and in your life will gladly tell you.

The choice is yours what you do with your life, but I know you'll make the right decision when the time comes. I hope you take every word I'm saying to heart, not to the tear. Not to the misfortune in your life. But just take the words I'm saying for me.


Contact me if you need to talk. I'm always here to help all
you have to do is be honest.

Never Let Go
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:21 PM   #14
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Default Re: I made a plan.

I know you'll get better because you have to believe. Cliche as it sounds, if you believe, it'll happen. Faith is of course, blind. But that's why it's faith. Things will get better because they have to.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:51 PM   #15
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManWithaBox View Post
I know you'll get better because you have to believe. Cliche as it sounds, if you believe, it'll happen. Faith is of course, blind. But that's why it's faith. Things will get better because they have to.
No offense, but I don't think a mental illness, or should I say a very distressed and dangerous state of mind, is as simple as this fairy tale you've depicted.

OP, I can relate to every part of that. It gets to a point where everything is meaningless and nothing matters to you anymore. What I can tell you is that it doesn't get any easier unless you get help. If I were alone in everything I've been through, I'd have been gone years ago. Please, talk to someone. You can't fight alone.

"I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in." ~ Charles Manson

Last edited by Triceratops; May 12th, 2011 at 02:54 PM.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:54 PM   #16
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Default Re: I made a plan.

I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:56 PM   #17
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManWithaBox View Post
I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.
Realised what I said came out a lot harsher than I wanted, oops. But yeah, if it works for you then cool, whatever.

"I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in." ~ Charles Manson
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Old May 12th, 2011, 02:57 PM   #18
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadManWithaBox View Post
I know that perfectly well. Better than you probably. But faith in believing there's something more is better than not hoping at all.
This is not a competition so I'd prefer it didn't become one, saying that you know more than someone when you have yet to walk a mile in their shoes is childish. Keep that to yourself because no one will ever truly know what everyone else has been through.

Contact me if you need to talk. I'm always here to help all
you have to do is be honest.

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Act as if it were IMPOSSIBLE to fail.
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Old May 12th, 2011, 03:07 PM   #19
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Louise, you will NOT be doing anyone a favor if you take your life. Think about all the people who care about you. Think about everyone who will miss you. Think about your friends, and us here on VT. You can't do this to yourself. I know how bad the idea of becoming an inpatient is, my sister and brother...both gone through it. My sister self harmed before, and she didn't think anybody would care if she died. She had dropped out of school, she was 17, she had no job, no money, no plans for a car, a house, a family. She is now living in Florida working in real estate with a steady boyfriend and she is living with grandparents. She is happy, has a good life. You can be all that too, but not if you do this. It will never solve anything. Lousie, I can't reach through the screen and stop you, or erase all your thoughts and plans. But I can tell you, people care. We care.


It's not the end.

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Old May 12th, 2011, 03:12 PM   #20
FullyAlive
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Default Re: I made a plan.

Thanks Ronnie that was just yeah it really made me think about things and idk it just mean a lot. So really thanks.

Thanks Matt, I know I have to believe. But it's really fucking hard sometimes, I have little faith in anything let alone blind faith in something which seems so unlikely to happen.

And thanks Marcie, idk I would never say I had a mental illness or that I was in a dangerous state of mind. I'm just a little, idk upset right now. I'm not alone though, but I feel it. Thank you

EDIT: And also thanks Caitlin, i no I won't have a future or whatever but maybe I don't want one. And trust me on this one very few people will miss me it'll mainly be a great relief to most people they no longer have to deal with me.


Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling.


hello
number 6

~Aarony was here~
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