Losing It

Tired of it.
Simply fed up.
HARTA HARTA HARTA!
(don't mind my random fits of spanish)

I'm rapid cycling now and I don't like it one bit.
I haven't been eating nearly enough,
Like one meal a day.
I keep replacing meals with coffee and alcohol.
One minute I want to slit my wrists,
The next I'm bouncing off of the walls.
I drink when I can't handle it anymore,
Which sends me spiraling down.
And I'm irritable as hell.

I'm constantly dizzy, nauseous and anxious.
In place of cutting, I've been biting my skin off on my hands,
And scratching open my older wounds,
In the hopes that I'll stop shaking.

All of this anxiety due to rapid cycling has caused me to miss half of my menstrual cycles in the last year and this is the first time I've been able to say it at all.

I want to cut soooo bad,
Make all of this go away.
But no...
My new therapist had me sign a 'no self harm' contract,
So I'll feel like crap if I do.

I'm going bonkers. Apeshit. Crazy.

And I'm falling back into my habit of blaming myself for everything that goes wrong,
Because I honestly feel like everything is my fault and I'm being stupid.
I mean hell, my mum is seeing a counselor because of everything that's going on with me.
I just want to curl up in a ball in a dark corner and die right now.

And I don't get my medication refills until Wednesday or Thursday

Holy bejesus.
And not I feel perfectly fine.
I'm such a goddamn idiot.
I've tried calling a friend, talking to people on MSN, walking around town until I had blisters on my feet, writing, listening to music, everything that I could possibly do in the middle of the night.

UGH!
I just want to shoot myself in the head!
I'm sick of it... HARTA!!!

vobvdfsjokinhd'ognkbk;

Jesus christ.
I just spent like,
The last hour and a half lying out in the yard,
In the rain and dark,
Crying like a little kid the entire time.

I hate myself.
I'm sick of this.

theres nothing i can say to make things better, but i am here for you. luv you

Is there any way you can go inpatient?

Rapid-cycling bipolar isn't particularly fun. Could you see if you could get more pills (i.e. different prescription from psychiatrist), or if need be, head over to inpatient (as fun as that place is =/ )

Originally Posted by brokeNCYDE

Is there any way you can go inpatient?

Originally Posted by INFERNO

Rapid-cycling bipolar isn't particularly fun. Could you see if you could get more pills (i.e. different prescription from psychiatrist), or if need be, head over to inpatient (as fun as that place is =/ )

I can't do inpatient. It would really mess with my schooling, which I'm already doing a shitty job in and if I don't pass 12 credit hours, I get cut off of my parent's health insurance, which means no more treatments or medication.

I haven't been able to consistently take my meds because my mom has fucking mail order prescription and it takes forever to get refills... which doesn't help with a federal holiday on Monday.

Good god I feel like I'm going to snap. I got impatient and yelled at my mum today when she was trying to figure out why I was so down the dumps and told me that 'you have that crazy look in your eyes again'. I slept for like, 19 hours today, and when I would wake up once and I while, I felt dead. I was so tired it literally hurt to lift my eyelids and I felt paralyzed... it hurt to move and I felt extra heavy. And while trying to finish up my physics homework, I got stuck on something and just about went completely bonkers until I got in the car and drove for like, 40 minutes. I feel completely paranoid like something supernatural is out to get me. I can't keep my thoughts on the same track for more than a few minutes, then I get irritated, start crying then freaking out. omg.

Hang in there Steph I am always here late at night if you ever need some one to talk to. My bipolar is starting to act up on me again too and I don't have the benefits of meds anymore since I quit going to my doctor August of 07.

I don't know quite what to say. Remember all the times you have been in situations like this before and that you managed to come out the other side. I send you all my best wishes and I really hope things improve for you. Feel free to PM me if you like.
All the best,
Rachel

Meds, Steph. Get back on your meds. If the mail order isn't consistent, go to the local pharmacy, at least this one time.

Out of all the psychiatric illnesses, bi-polar is THE easiest to control, B U T!!!, you MUST remain on your meds consistently! Get back on them!

In the meantime, remember that your experiene right now is temporary, just hang in there until you're restabilized on the meds.

*Gives Steph an ice cream sundae with hot fudge and marshmallows*

RAWR!

And this morning... (didn't get any sleep due to 19 hours of sleep the previous day)

I was starting to have a bad episode, so I bucked up and called my mum.
I was literally laughing maniacally and was like, 'I CANNOT leave the house, I just can't... you don't understand!'
I'm very foot-in-mouth when it comes to episodes, so she didn't know what to make of the rambling and laughing...
All she could really say was, 'Well, I don't care if you don't want to leave. You'd better go to school, either that or find a job with insurance.'

omg.
I literally started like, screaming bloody murder after she said that and hung up the phone. Cried, screamed some more. Got frustrated. Drove to school since I didn't know what else to do... wanted to run into any and everything on the way there... had to put a death grip on the steering wheel to stop myself from doing so.

Started crying in my Math class after having some nasty thoughts, that was so embarrassing.
Then throughout Psychology I couldn't stop fidgeting and turning my head around everywhere, seeing blue spots of light everywhere.
Then Physics... oh lord... I was working well ahead of my partners on a lab assignment and got sooo irritated and fed up when they couldn't understand where I got my calculations from even after I explained to them time after time that you just can't throw numbers out the window by canceling them with reciprocals, everything has to be accounted for. Took every ounce of control in me to not freak out since it was a lab exam day too and they were getting all of the wrong calculations... so after persistent mumbling and punching numbers into my calculator along with telling them that 1.5 meters was a better number for a ball to fly then 2.75 meters, they just agreed with me... and holy crap! My calculations worked... we got a perfect score just about minus the ball hitting the rim of the cup and bouncing off due to human error in placing the cup on the ground.... then I was out of there like the building was on fire wanting to rip my hair out.

And now I've got therapy in about 4 hours with my mum driving since it's in an unfamiliar city and I'm going to go crazy if she says the same thing that she did this morning.

*bangs head on counter-top*

God I'm such a child.
I hope my meds come in today,
I can't do this anymore.
I've gone over a week without cutting,
And I'm about to cave.

NerjaSunsets: Thanks hun. But I've been dealing better than usual seeing as usually it ends in cutting.

SAMUEL!: Always a delight *hugs*

When you have your meds, do they work for you?

I got them last Wednesday evening.
It took a few days,
But the Seroquel has already started kicking in,
Waiting for the Paxil since it takes a bit longer.

Been between mania and stable the last few days.
Hopefully I'm good to go,
Thanks = ]

Originally Posted by Zephyr

I got them last Wednesday evening.
It took a few days,
But the Seroquel has already started kicking in,
Waiting for the Paxil since it takes a bit longer.

Been between mania and stable the last few days.
Hopefully I'm good to go,
Thanks = ]

The mail order sounds like a bad way to go.
Can you start getting your meds from a local pharmacy?

No problem... even though I didn't do anything.

The mail order is like... EXTREMELY cheap compared to the pharmacy,
And it was just a bad time because I was in the process of trying out a trial of the Paxil and ran out of my temporary meds before my mum could send off my prescription.
I can order a month in advance for it now though,
So it won't be any problem.

And thanks just for posting
It always helps to see that someone posted.

glad you are getting better, and glad the meds are starting to kick in.