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Old March 1st, 2018, 12:31 AM   #1
NotQuiteANerd97's Forum Picture
Join Date: October 30, 2015
Location: Phoenix
Gender: Cisgender Male
Default I'm not going to kill myself, but I hate being alive.

I just need to vent. Honestly my problems are nothing compared to the rest of yours. I don't even have clinical depression, I'm just an overthinking mess.

I'm a sophomore in college. I live on campus in an apartment. It's nice I guess, I get decent grades and tolerate my classes, but I'm so damn lonely and it's ruining me.

Literally all I've done is make random fuck buddies on Grindr and go on singular dates with girls before they say something like "I like being single" or even better, they'll always be busy and never have the time. I wish people had the guts to tell me they don't like me.

But that's the thing, if I saw myself from the third person I would think I'm a cool guy, I just utterly suck at finding any kind of real love. And to me that's pathetic.

But you know what's more pathetic? Bitching about it. Look at my roommate. He's a slob who just eats tons of food, plays Mario or some shit, listens to trap music, and sleeps. And he doesn't care about any of this. He accepts himself and just lives for the moment. But me, a guy whose friends call "pretty handsome" just fails and fails and can't stop thinking about it. No grown man should bitch about being single. It's childish and stupid, I wish I didn't care.

I will not kill myself ever. To me it's selfish. Plus, I love my family. They've been getting along better than ever and for me to kill myself would ruin everything for them. They would lose more than I would. I doubt I have much of a future besides getting a mundane job and going on random vacations with them.

It's a shame that the only person who can carry on the family bloodline is so terrible at this. That being said, as much as I love them, I blame them for failing to raise me as a real man. They're left wingers and believe that if you have a problem, it's always someone else's fault and they should feel guilty for it. They never taught me how to be assertive and dominant.

They raised a beta male.

I've been through two therapists, a Korean lady who barely spoke English and always brought up church, and an old lady who hasn't a clue what the average young man faces nowadays. Now I'm with this psych grad student on campus and I guess things might be better, but it's too early to say.

I just got off of Effexor (anti depressant), and now I'n on Clonazepam, an anti anxiety. I've already missed a few doses because my stupid ass didn't close the cap properly, I spilled them on the floor accidentally and now I'm waiting for a new bottle because they're covered in hairs and my dumb ass tried to wash them and they got all powdery.

I like myself in a lot of ways, but I think I'm a moron in others. I almost feel like a broken computer who needs to be rebooted. Recently, I've been thinking of enlisting in the military, possibly the Marine Corps. I feel like a failure as a man and I want to be deconstructed and remade into a real one.

Hell, I look at half the guys on campus and get jealous. I'm not as tall, clear skinned, athletic, or talented as they are. I'm a permanently pubescent freak. Most of my body is great, but my face is a monstrosity that screams "swipe left", and that's mostly been the case.

I haven't been in a serious relationship since I was 15, and back then I was an awkward loser. How the hell have I not moved onto something better being as better as I am now?

I hate the fact I crave love when I don't need it. I'm an extrovert who finds most people boring, but craves validation. I hate it.

I just want the pain to be numbed, maybe more meds will do it.

Hell, none of you can help. Doubt it.
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