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Old July 30th, 2013, 06:02 PM   #21
LouBerry
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

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Originally Posted by uglyinsideandout View Post
Well thanks for the nice posts. It is a close family member and maybe my biggest fear is that I would tell and no one would believe me and it would make everything worse. I know if I told and they didn't do anything about it that he would kill me. Maybe not directly but I know I'd end up dead somehow. So I think it's better to just take it and try to deal for now unfortunately.

And I really don't know how to make friends. It's summer and I don't school but even when I do no one will talk to me. People get up and leave when I come around so now I just leave them alone. It's not fair for me to make people uncomfortable just because I'm lonely.
That's what this person wants you to feel like. That you can't help it, or that no one will believe you. It is NOT true.
Tell someone. At school, a family member you can trust, anyone who can help, but you do it.
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Old July 31st, 2013, 09:43 PM   #22
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

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Originally Posted by uglyinsideandout View Post
Oh I realize it would be better if I could get out but theres more to it than that. I'm confused by you saying I dug this hole for myself. Well I guess not really, I'm more confused by people that say it's not my fault. I think I agree with you more that it is my fault.

I really don't have any reason to try to make things better though. What's the best I can hope for? having the guilt of sending my father to prison? Living in foster care or a group home? I think it's better if I just take what's coming to me and be quiet. I don't even know why I joined this site it's really not making me feel better.
What I meant by the hole you dug for yourself:
Obviously you're not raping yourself. What I meant is that when given the opportunity to save yourself you didn't, and became almost comfortable with your secret in a way, and now you don't consider telling for more than a moment or two at a time.
It's NOT your fault that you are being abused. I didn't mean to say it is. What I meant to say is it's your fault for not getting help. I don't mean that harshly, I certainly can sympathize with you and in your situation I would likely do the same. It's just under your physical control whether you can form words (usually, assuming you weren't born mute) or not.
I understand that you don't want help. I do!!
I used to have depression. Really bad. I didn't think it would get better, I didn't want it to get better, didn't even know what the word meant. But some things happened in my life and it almost completely cleared away. I learned what it meant to feel better. Recently it's been coming back but now I remember happiness, and that's my motivation to push forward and try not to succumb to the pain.
Have you ever felt happy? Do you remember traces of that feeling? Do you want to feel like that again?
Imagine happy, what is it like?
Do you want to feel like that?
Nicolette if you want we can be friends ok? I was doing better but I'm slipping now and losing what I had of happiness. I honestly am trying not to but I think I'm going to cut myself tonight. I'm losing and you are too. *high five* buddies.
Damn that was depressing to write.

val
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 07:12 AM   #23
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

You do deserve better Nicolette.
I can't imagine a way out apart from what others have said. But if you choose to stay quiet, are there any options? Is there any way that you could make life a bit more bearable?
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 09:18 AM   #24
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I guess it's hard to follow because it's spread all over in different posts. So, to recap...

I asked my Dad to take me to get a pregnancy test. There's always been this unspoken agreement that we don't acknowledge what he does to me, so this went very badly. I got hurt pretty bad and someone came because of the noise. They saw there was a serious problem. Police and ambulance showed up. Went to hospital. Got stitches. Aunt picked me up and took me to her house. Staying with her now. Don't know exactly what happened to Dad. If aunt can't or doesn't want me on a permanent bases then I don't know what happens to me... foster care, group home... *shrug*

I'm sure there will be more in the days and weeks ahead but no one is telling me anything directly. I just hear 1 side of phone conversations and adults stop talking when I come in the room. Pretty sure I've had a social worker assigned to me because I've been told I'll be meeting with one some time next week. Everyone thinks I'm whacked out on pain pills but I'm saving them up just in case I need a quick exit.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 10:32 AM   #25
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

Omg Nicolette. Things have changed for u. But I'm sure u can believe that the change should mean improvement. I do understand why u're saving up u'r pills and I get it, but please don't go that way -- "permanent solution to a temporary problem". U'r Dad maybe needs to b locked up and prolly psych care. It's best if that happens. And u shud help to make it happen. Tell the truth to anyone who asks now! The truth is your friend!
U need to know that u deserve to have a life without abuse. Please believe that u are a valuable human being in your own right and there is a brighter future ahead. I'm crying inside for u. Begging u to look for better life. It doesn't hafta b like it was and u gotta help change it. Pease. Don't try to go back to the way it was.
Pete
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 10:43 AM   #26
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I don't know if it's going to be an improvement or just a different hell. Time will tell. I know I shouldn't be saving the pills but it's something I can do that makes me feel a little bit empowered. They sort of noticed that I cut in the hospital and now I'm finding it pretty much impossible to find anything sharp laying around. I want to cut so very badly and I can't.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 11:23 AM   #27
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

Oh dear girl, isn't there anything else u cud do apart from cutting? Why hurt yourself any more? Of course I don't get the cutting thing and I guess u gotta do wot u gotta do. But I hate to think of u hurting so.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 11:35 AM   #28
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I don't know how to explain it. So much is spiraling out now that I just want to do the thing that makes me feel better. I've been doing it so long it's like a part of me and it's my best coping mechanism. I guess in a way it's like smoking, it's not good for you but it's very hard to stop.

I guess it all goes back to the thread title... I don't know how to talk about this. You can pretty much apply that to everything in my life. Sometimes I feel like all of it should just be obvious but I know it's not. And I can't find the right words, when I do try I'm misunderstood. Sometimes a little, sometimes alot.

Well hey, I'm supposed to go try to eat something so gotta go.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 02:29 PM   #29
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

Hey. Someone who's never been there prolly can't get what cutting is all about -- so don't worry too much trying to explain. Not that I'm not interested, just that no matter how clearly u explain it, it'll still seem daft to me. Sorry, I'm not making light of your pain -- I long for it to go away and hate to hear of you suffering inside. I can kinda see that the cutting pain wud at least feel real and relieve some tension of stuff u cant express or something like that -- is that how it works?
Btw, I've ADD, so I've been in some counselling -- it can help in some cases anyway.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 08:30 PM   #30
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I'm kinda looking forward to therapy and kinda dreading it at the same time. Part is hope that things will get better and part is fear of the unknown.

Cutting to me is about control and punishment. Like eating it's something that I have that I can be in charge of. And well, I pretty much hate who I am and all the mistakes I make so there's the punishment. The pain which isn't usually all that bad is sort of the icing on the cake. I'm sure this makes little sense, but I'm ok with that.
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Old August 3rd, 2013, 09:54 PM   #31
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

Oh Nicolette.
Do you want pity? I can give you pity. "oh I'm so sorry I can't believe that had to happen"
Do you want a friend? I can do that too. "I'm here for you"
Both? Anything else I can do? I really want to help you, I do.
I understand why you're hoarding pills. That is your choice, I pray you will never feel the need to use them.
I'm not sure what to tell you about your cutting withdrawals.
Hannah

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Old August 3rd, 2013, 10:11 PM   #32
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

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Originally Posted by xXPrincessXx View Post
Oh Nicolette.
Do you want pity? I can give you pity. "oh I'm so sorry I can't believe that had to happen"
Do you want a friend? I can do that too. "I'm here for you"
Both? Anything else I can do? I really want to help you, I do.
I understand why you're hoarding pills. That is your choice, I pray you will never feel the need to use them.
I'm not sure what to tell you about your cutting withdrawals.
Hannah
No pity won't help me and it feels fake to me. Pretty much anyone acting like they care a whatever level feels fake to me. See I've heard alot of talk over the years but very little action. It's not a big deal to me anymore, I don't expect or even hope for it.

Friends would be nice but I don't really know how to do that. I have never felt like I had a friend. Always been pretty much outcast. Again, no big deal I've accepted this as how it is.

I don't think I will use the pills but it's something I can do to feel like I have options. If you know what it feels like to have no options then that should make some sense... maybe. IDK.

I don't know what to do about cutting either. It's making me feel crazy. Or crazier. I'm just hoping that seeing a therapist is going to help.
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Old August 4th, 2013, 01:02 AM   #33
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

reading what happened to you brings tears to my eyes if you need a friend im here for you you not ugly either your beautiful inside and out and i mean it when i say that. you don't deserve the suffering you have endured. if you need to talk just pm me

names andrew i love tattoos and im straight

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Old August 4th, 2013, 03:10 AM   #34
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I totally get wanting to control something when most things are outa your control. It doesn't have to be logical or make sense if this just how it is. I think therapy is bound to help -- that's what it's for.
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Old August 4th, 2013, 04:50 AM   #35
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

I don't know what itfeels like to be going through what you are I know about cutting because I self harm but genuinely if you do just want to have someone that listens or whatever then you can talk to me.if you want to
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Old August 17th, 2013, 02:00 AM   #36
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

i cant help for the abuse :c but what keeps you away from making friends?
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Old August 17th, 2013, 04:50 AM   #37
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

IDK. I guess I'm not a very pleasant person to spend time with.
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Old September 10th, 2013, 12:49 PM   #38
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

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Originally Posted by Kryptonite View Post
I just want to clarify some things here:

If the OP does not want help, we as a site cannot force her to get it. Neither can you make us do it. I know you are trying to be nice, but at the moment it doesn't give off the right impression.

We would never do that unless we seriously needed to, you telling someone that you'll get staff involved does not help them. Your post comes off as incredibly threatening and I will not allow that to continue.

We cannot do anything against a person's will, neither can you. Please don't say things you do not actually know will happen. It just makes members unnecessarily worry. It also makes it look like people cannot trust Staff, that shouldn't be the case.

If you have a problem, don't hesitate to PM me.
Its a shame if your too scared to fix this issue, I hope you can be strong and do what you know in your heart is right and get this stopped
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Old September 28th, 2013, 02:12 AM   #39
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Default Re: I don't know how to talk about this

Ok there is one thing I want you to know!!!

Some one will believe you because I do and I am someone and you are not worthless! You have value!

I personally would tell some one but that is your personal choice. I don't dislike you for not doing so.

Do know that they won't blow you off if you tell. Some people might but not everyone is like that. The squeaky wheal gets the grease. Shout louder if they wont listen. No ones going to examine you and just say your a whore. They would not believe him, they believe the girl. ALWAYS and if they don't tell elsewhere. If you wan't to tell. I'm not trying to make you do it, just informing you of some basic things.

And secondly don't Ever think that no one will want you! That's not true! Iv'e know people who have be sexually abused and they have found true Loving relationships, not ones based of of sex or control, guys that actually care about them!

You are not worthless! I mean it! Your not used merchandise or defective in any way. Your just you, a real partner likes you for Who You Are not what you are! Maybe your funny, or have had similar pasts. Attraction isn't just about sex. Its like they say, chemistry they kind of just see you and meet you and know they like you for you.
I GUARANTEE you have good qualities as a person! You have gone through this hardship and understand what so many cant! You may have helped some one just by posting this here! Others do feel just like you out there in the same kind of situation! You are not alone! I know this because I felt like that for years and it turned out I never was, so if you feel alone try and know your not!

As for other people making you feel worse. They just don't understand what its like, they mean well but its hard for people to understand why some one wouldn't tell unless they have lived a situation like it them selves. Some people are more gutsy than others. You may want to protect your dad because he is your dad after all. Many people feel this way about parents who abuse them, and many others don't. There is no shame in your choice either way. No shame on you either.

Just know above all else, You are a good person! I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I'm not just giving you pity. And I hope you can find what you need in life regardless of what choice you make.
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