Just Getting It Off My Chest...

Okay, here goes nothing, I guess...

When I was 15, I met this guy. He was so sweet and made me feel really nice. He started telling me he loved me and stuff. He had it bad for me, it seemed. He lived in England somewhere (I forget) and he was 19 at the time. We chatted online a lot and he kept giving me compliments and stuff. But then he started asking for nudes. I thought it was harmless then, I was so curious at that age and he said he loved me so what the heck, right?

Wrong.

I sent them, took personal pictures for him 'cause that's what he liked. He asked for more and more and I just kept sending. But then one day when we were on cam, he was smoking and told me to finger myself for him. At the time, I didn't know how to...it frustrated me to tears constantly. I thought something was wrong with me. He knew I was 15 and couldn't do it but he told me to try for him anyway. I did it because I liked him a lot. But I struggled and started tearing up 'cause I just couldn't do it. He was smoking more than usual, staring at me with what seemed to be contempt and indifference...frustration maybe. I don't know. After I told him I couldn't do it, he made me a deal: "If you don't do it for me, I'm going to delete you." Of course I was devastated, so I tried my hardest...still nothing. He then said that if I don't do it, he'll post my nudes online. I was terrified. They had my face in them and everything!

Still unable to do it for him, he posted them online and showed me. I was horrified and numb and in tears. I tried to masturbate some more to get him to stop ('cause he kept commanding and warning to put more online) but I couldn't. He started calling me names and making it harder for me to obey him. He wanted me to use objects. I just...I really fuckin' couldn't do it. He then proceeded to post my pics on Facebook and showed me. I got so nervous and scared and upset that I asked random people online what to do and I also asked my cousin. He told me it was okay because Facebook deletes that kind of thing. I tried to breathe but I couldn't. Then this guy, who had claimed to love me, proposed something worse...

He said that if I didn't successfully finger for him, he would kill himself then and there. I was a mess in tears, begging him to have mercy. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't want him to die. But when I couldn't, still...fuck it hurt so bad...he posted more pics online somewhere where everyone could see and showed me. Then, on cam, before my watery eyes, he took a knife and slit his throat. I couldn't breathe. Blood trickled down his neck and he was a mess...I'm gonna fuckin' cry...I can't go on...

Originally Posted by Jessiibear

Okay, here goes nothing, I guess...
......I'm gonna fuckin' cry...I can't go on...

This is really starting to make me mad. For the viewers out there why don't you freaking assist her in the time of need when she is practically reaching out for a hand!? How can you go on with your day, I can't comprehend that!.....

Jesiibear your story has moved me to tears .... I am so sorry that at that age you had to go through something so terrible. No... At any age that is awful. Just know that it is not your fault of his actions. I am sorry he blackmailed you and went as far as to post them. As I go through some of your other posts it hurts to see how recent this kind of thing happens. I have a friend who was also sexually abused mentally and physically as a child. That child is now 16 living in Ontario, Canada trying her best to live on. I believe that you should do the same and forget all this. Put it far behind you as a lost memory and live on as hard as you can. To keep on going. If you ever need help I am right here okay?.. If another guy harasses you call the cops please.. Men and Boys need to know when no means NO!

I'm really, really sorry to hear that. No one should ever have to go through what you did. I'm not against people sending nudes to each other, but it is always very important to have that trust feature. Even when you do trust each other though, never put your face in it.

I want you to know that it isn't your fault. I have no idea why he would do something like that, but NONE of it could have been prevented by you. He most likely suffered from a form of depression caused by something in his real life, and used you to not feel so belittled himself. If anything, I think it's important to know that even when his real life was so terrible that he wanted to kill himself, he at least always had you caring for him. Think of all the times that I am sure you made him feel better when his life was so bad. It's terrible that he was trying to force you to masturbate for him under these circumstances. I can't tell you why for sure he would do something like that. Please remember though, you are a great person, and that this in no way reflects who you are. I'm sorry, I know I am not helpful to you right now, but if you ever need to talk, I hope you know we're all here for you. Always ready to listen.

Originally Posted by The-Chosen-Hero

This is really starting to make me mad. For the viewers out there why don't you freaking assist her in the time of need when she is practically reaching out for a hand!? How can you go on with your day, I can't comprehend that!.....

Jesiibear your story has moved me to tears .... I am so sorry that at that age you had to go through something so terrible. No... At any age that is awful. Just know that it is not your fault of his actions. I am sorry he blackmailed you and went as far as to post them. As I go through some of your other posts it hurts to see how recent this kind of thing happens. I have a friend who was also sexually abused mentally and physically as a child. That child is now 16 living in Ontario, Canada trying her best to live on. I believe that you should do the same and forget all this. Put it far behind you as a lost memory and live on as hard as you can. To keep on going. If you ever need help I am right here okay?.. If another guy harasses you call the cops please.. Men and Boys need to know when no means NO!

Thanks. This was just one of those things that just sorta...stuck. Never really told anyone about it, but I feel like I killed him. I've always felt like it was my fault. I have major trust issues now, though, and I don't fall for the whole "I love you" so easily anymore. I deleted my FB account and everything. Just isolated myself, but I take more cautious steps.

My heart goes out to your friend and, yeah, I'm trying. But when you have no present, the past is all you really have, you know? If that makes sense. Thank you so much for your shoulder, for your ear. It means the world...

Originally Posted by Manga

I'm really, really sorry to hear that. No one should ever have to go through what you did. I'm not against people sending nudes to each other, but it is always very important to have that trust feature. Even when you do trust each other though, never put your face in it.

I want you to know that it isn't your fault. I have no idea why he would do something like that, but NONE of it could have been prevented by you. He most likely suffered from a form of depression caused by something in his real life, and used you to not feel so belittled himself. If anything, I think it's important to know that even when his real life was so terrible that he wanted to kill himself, he at least always had you caring for him. Think of all the times that I am sure you made him feel better when his life was so bad. It's terrible that he was trying to force you to masturbate for him under these circumstances. I can't tell you why for sure he would do something like that. Please remember though, you are a great person, and that this in no way reflects who you are. I'm sorry, I know I am not helpful to you right now, but if you ever need to talk, I hope you know we're all here for you. Always ready to listen.

Yeah, I don't send nudes anymore. And if I happened to, I don't put my face in them (even though guys always accuse me of stealing the pics from Google or something like that). Fuck them. There are billions of other girls in this world that they can choose from. Just saying. Maybe he did have something wrong with him, I don't know. Everyday I think about that and other things of the past. I always wonder if he survived that. And if not, is he watching me from wherever he is...

You're a great person too. Thanks for the moral support. My spirits have lifted a little.

Originally Posted by Jessiibear

Thanks. This was just one of those things that just sorta...stuck. Never really told anyone about it, but I feel like I killed him. I've always felt like it was my fault. I have major trust issues now, though, and I don't fall for the whole "I love you" so easily anymore. I deleted my FB account and everything. Just isolated myself, but I take more cautious steps.

My heart goes out to your friend and, yeah, I'm trying. But when you have no present, the past is all you really have, you know? If that makes sense. Thank you so much for your shoulder, for your ear. It means the world...

Deleting Facebook was a great step to take though. I am glad to hear you are being more cautious now. What I hate to hear is the world has both made us have major trust issues now. Ain't it crazy how you can pour your all into a relationship just to end up hurt by the same ones you trusted. But we can choose to sit in sadness, immobilized by the gravity of our loss, or we can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift we have. Our chance to live our lives to the fullest. So lets not that BS from the past slow us down okay. Look forward to tomorrow and live for today.

Originally Posted by The-Chosen-Hero

Deleting Facebook was a great step to take though. I am glad to hear you are being more cautious now. What I hate to hear is the world has both made us have major trust issues now. Ain't it crazy how you can pour your all into a relationship just to end up hurt by the same ones you trusted. But we can choose to sit in sadness, immobilized by the gravity of our loss, or we can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift we have. Our chance to live our lives to the fullest. So lets not that BS from the past slow us down okay. Look forward to tomorrow and live for today.

Thank you, Alejandro. I'll try to keep my head up. I don't feel as alone at the moment.

Cool

I could not even begin to comprehend what you went through. Just keep your head up and move on...

He killed himself....on cam.....over something as stupid as that...what....the...fuck!?

Wow. I'm so so so sorry. I'm just absolutely speechless.

Keep your head up Jessie!! This story is so sad ;w;

What he did was wrong just really really wrong and i am sorry and feel fuckin terrible that had to go through something so horriffic and terrible i truly hope that you will be able to recover from it and not be haunted by the memories for your entire life tho i kno this will be hard i really hope will be able to! Maybe you will meet someone who will be able to Forget or something idk
Id like to offer you whatever help i could provide eventhoug it probably would just be talking and idk if i would be of much use!

That is so, so awful, and you didn't deserve to have that happen to you. I don't have much to say but I really wanted to acknowledge that I read this and I care. When he killed himself could you see his face in the cam, or just his neck and chest? It's possible he may have just said it to scare you and changed the webcam to a recording of a special effects video or something like that.
You are a good, strong, beautiful woman and you can get past this, it's happened and there's nothing you can do about that now. Remember that and remember how many people love you.
I'm always open to talk if you ever want.

I feel really sad now....I'm not quite sure what to say to be honest...stay strong and I hope the future is better for you

............ I am assume he was on drugs.... or extremely drunk. It truly makes me wonder if I am the last one left who is Drug free,std free,smoking free,tobacco free,and eveything else you should not do........ (I know there is others out there but those numbers are falling.....) and omg I would of died from stress from that...SOOOOOOOOOO SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THAT :,(

my god


that is hideous


i can't even imagine how horrible that is.
I am so sorry that you went through that.

have you told anyone else about it offline? Like a parent? Perhaps you should seek professional help. Stuff like that can be really mentally damaging and a psychologist or therapist could help a lot.
It's really good that you've gotten it off your chest here. I know how hard it can be. You're strong

wow, that's a pretty shocking ending. Hope you can get past this and look to the future.

I'm really sorry for you. I hope you manage to get past this... Remember, you didn't kill him. He was a creep, and there's nothing you can do about it. He's a horrible person, and I think down in hell he regrets what he's done, abusing such a beautiful young soul. I really hope you manage to recover. If you ever date again, I wish you the best of luck in finding a great guy.

Hmmm, I would say he just faked that to wreck your emotions. Used an editor program. And he's a total aswipe for all of what he did! But saying he did actually kill him self. Then he was really screwed up!

This is in no way your fault! The guy was either an ass face or totally nuts. II'm sorry you had to go through that

Just want to thank all of you for your replies, I appreciate the support. I never stop thinking about it. I didn't tell anyone offline because I didn't see a point in that. Especially now, three years later.

There is no way it was fake. How could that be? He preformed all of it right before my eyes. The cam didn't skip or anything and I saw his face the whole time.

I'm trying to "forgive and forget" but that shit's harder than people make it seem! Like wow! It's that, plus so many other things that just haunt me. But I'm trying.

Love you all.