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Old January 18th, 2011, 10:14 PM   #1
Maeve
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Join Date: January 18, 2011
Location: Portugal
Gender: Female
Default Hi.

Hi. I'm 19 and I have a hole inside since 13 I cannot fill. Since that age I sarted introverting and self-harming. I tried to kill myself before. I took any pill I could put my hands on.

I went to college last year and I started living with some friends. I started isolating more and more. It seems like I intimidate people for some reason. I do not like having them around anyway, I don't like to have people constantly demanding my energy.

A few years ago I started having night troubles. There isn't a single night I don't dream I'm either killing or being killed plus there is something in my house. I can hear the footsteps in the hallway and then the presence in my room. It always crowls into my bed and sometimes tries to strangle me. Other times it paralyzes me and starts playing with my hair. It is terrifying and I can't even scream.

Everytime I'm home alone I research the house because I can feel someone is there to harm me. I grab a knife and go to all the dark places to see if I can find him.

Lately I'm having this violent urges. I started hating human habits. Everytime someone gets close to me they start to repulse me. It makes me mad to see people sleep in my bad, makes me sick. And it bothers me so much they show their emotions and demand me to do something about their feelings.

Before I assumed myself as a lesbian I had a boyfriend. Sometimes he would fall asleep in my bed and I went crazy looking at him and seeing how human and fragile he was. Then the thoughts I didn't want to have started running through my mind and they said everything would be better if I just killed him. I had to put him out of my life before I did anything I'd regret.

This urges are my main problem. It's almost like a transe. I can see things and fell them and even though they can't be real because they end up fading away I have trouble accepting it. Once I had the urge to remove my ribs. I looked at my chest and I could see it wide openned, and I was touching this bloody mess and removing two lower ribs. All of a sudden everything fadded away and I had to check if my ribs were there. This happened several times, either about myself or others (I saw myself killing violently people I knew in detail.).

It is hard to get out of bed. I stay home the longer I can, skip classes and don't shower.

The only person that can bring me any joy is my girlfriend. I love her, but I have trouble trusting her. I think she will end up leaving me for another girl. Once she was teasing me and I got out of control and started asphyxiating her. When I come to myself I couldn't believe what I was doing. I was terrified by my action.

I'm not a violent person, I never harmed anyone. I have everything in my life to be happy, but this hole keeps sucking all my energy. Its getting worse everyday.
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Old March 20th, 2011, 07:09 PM   #2
derkderpderp
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Name: Habib
Join Date: May 24, 2009
Location: in her heart
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Default Re: Hi.

Hey, have you considered getting help from a professional?
I mean we on VT can help, but this is evidently a fragile case, and i doubt you came on here to be hurt or offended, and so wouldnt getting professional help from a psychologist or your doctor be best?
I get the feeling this may be worrying you? So why not get some help from the people who will understand how to help you better.
eep feel free to pm at all.
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Old March 20th, 2011, 08:04 PM   #3
Fiction
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Name: Kathy
Join Date: January 17, 2010
Location: London, England
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 5
Default Re: Hi.

Please do not bump threads more than 2 months old

You brought hate, pills and knives,
And this is how the tale begins.
Its your life, exist and wonder why.
When it only fails to work,
It only fails to work sometimes
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