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Old May 12th, 2019, 05:21 AM   #1
MrPython
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Exclamation Super Depressing (In my opinion)

Hi.
. . .

This is strange... Stranger than I expected.

I guess I'm supposed to write this in past tense, though I hardly feel like admitting it's over.


(Let me know if you got that reference)
(And no itís not over but itÖ The quote sounded better in my head when I was contemplating registering an account on this forum.)

Oh and by the way, this seems very depressing in my opinion, maybe itís because itís about me but eh.

Well, I am a very paranoid person who overthinks every little detail. For example, even for viewing this forum, I used Kali Linux with a VPN leading to Switzerland using the Tor browser for the grand total of 5 different IPís this connection has gone through. Before I registered an account with a 56 character password, I decided to create my 4th Proton Mail (Not a fake email account as I use these all the time for legit stuff as well.) account with another 56 character long password and none of it making total sense since it would be easier for someone to gain access via the forum not using SSL (https).
With that said, I think that shows how paranoid I am. Now IRL, this need of security I use online carryís over in a different way, nobody but the readers of this post will know of my true personality.

My parents know very little about me, even though I am being raised in a normal middle income family and I see them multiple times a day. With that being said, I never give them the chance to know who I truly am as I have multiple personalities depending on a situation. With Family and semi-close Friends (No true friend in a couple years which is honestly sad in my opinion) I am a talkative and impulsive while still being mainly cautions on the outside and at school, Iím the ďquietĒ kid. There are a lot of varied mixes between those 2 outside personalities. Now, my inside personality is a super paranoid, overthinking/overcomplicating, depressive, self-conscious, boring, and super impulsive (All comparable to the ďQuietĒ kid). I like to put on a show that nothing bad affects me and to appear mentally stronger which in some aspects have been implemented into my inner personality (for example last season in which I played lacrosse, I was knocked over and trampled getting kicked in the face with cleats multiple times and I pushed through it with a broken Pinky and Nose and got up to try and stop the offensive team.) which has now been implemented into my pure personality the ability to continue even with immense amounts of pain while on the outside I act like anything I hear behind my back or tone of voice doesnít matter to me (especially at school) but it really does hurt. All of this has been held in for around 4 years or since I was 10-11.

Now, I do already see a therapist for my shitty ADHD which I probably shouldíve mentioned earlier and I donít plan on talking with him in the future about any of this just because of my inability to be looked at weakly.

My life is almost all centered on the internet with my main focus in life programming mainly Python which I spend a couple hours a day devoting to and have given up on my appearances that would allow me to get to know new people so right now I gain friends at a slow rate and it seems as if I lose them at a faster rate (I WONDER WHY!?). I know most of the problems that I have and yet, I have no incentive to fix it. My whole life is centered around the belief that ignorance is something that I would no matter what try to abolish in my life, but with all my emotions/thoughts being kept inside for such a long time, I believe that I have too much bias to declare anything definitively about myself.

With my thought process of every decision I make starting with, ďwhat are the repercussions of this action?Ē, I never do anything exciting (I also shouldíve mentioned before (again(ooo triple parenthesis)) that I quit most activities I did a year ago (which was already very slim with the main one being lacrosse)) I never act on impulse at school or when it is appropriate and since itís been cooped up inside for a couple years, makes me want to TAKE A SWING AT THE FIRST fucking ďpopularĒ KID I SEE in the hall, in class, on google photos, social media, plain text boasting about someones popularity. If I did throw a punch at someone it would honestly make me feel so happy and fulfilled but then again, that would never happen because of my thought process (CONSEQUENCES). Knowing that the one thing that I believe would relieve my anger and stress will never happen makes me miserable and sad when Iím up every night at 3 am trying to figure out why a line of code wonít work in my program.

I over obsess about everything (besides this post since all iím doing is rambling on about random things sometimes with no context), when I hear of a threat to my normal daily routine, I research everything I can find on the subject until I can find a definitive answer. Now the problem with that is, cyber security means everything to me and with the constant threats of leakage of information, it keeps me up at night researching ways to better protect my self. For example if this forum post was linked back to me IRL I would kill myself. I am a very secretive person and with my future jobs in mind, I canít have this sort of information available to any of my future employers as mantle health would most likely play a factor. Plus I donít want anybody who knows me to know what I think.

I just donít know what to do anymore. I HAVE ZERO IDEA. I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS SOMEONE MOST PEOPLE ENJOY BEING AROUND BUT ALL I SEE IN MY FUTURE IS ME SITTING BEHIND A DESK WITH NO SOCIAL LIFE WHATSOEVER ROTTING AWAY TILL MY PREMATURE DEATH DUE TO A FREAK OFFICE FIRE AT AGE 63. IÖ I donít know what awaits in life at all and what I almost certainly do believe in, nothing I do matters at all in the long term. If anybody can name a random guy among millions of others who worked at any job let me know. Nobody will have heard of my name in a hundred years better yet while iím still alive. Now I donít know what to do, and iím going to keep staying to myself for the foreseeable future although I know, Iím trapped. Also if it sounds like I am self destructiveÖ iím not, Iím just fearful of the future. But iíve heard that writing a suicide note does relieve some stress. And Even if I was self harmful, I can guarantee 99% that nobody can track me. I probably shouldnít have challenged anybody to do so but, what do I care.

Let me know your thoughts on this ramble of mine even if you didnít read it all.
Oh shit iíve been writing for an hour. That ought to say something about my indecisiveness.
Also is anybody else not able to open that chatroom???
Also another additoion, i'm pretty damn drunk right now so this post probably makes literally 0 sense to anyone and I'm not sure if i should delete it or not.

Last edited by MrPython; May 12th, 2019 at 05:37 AM. Reason: CHATROOM?
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Old May 13th, 2019, 09:49 PM   #2
ska8er
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

I don't know what to tell u other than u
open up when u r drunk which might b
good but then it could b bad. Bad that u
might make bad decisions. I think u do
yourself a favor and see another therapist
and bring this all out. I think feeling weakly
is a misnomer with ur situation.
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Old May 19th, 2019, 01:31 PM   #3
thewilddog
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

Okayyyyyyy........ Um....Right...Yeah, I cant open chatrom either!! Sooooo I would talk to your parents and tell them everything…Yes I know you might not want to but… they have bee n through a lot too. Does sombody need to hear of your name in onehundred yeaes. Some of the nicest and most sacrificial people inth world fighting for justice have been killed and we still dont know their names. If you dont want to sit behind a desk then you xould become an IT teacher. Or A python teacher.. or a farmer...or whatever tryto makecyour (few) friends laugh. Peeople like to be around funny people. Now im not saying pretend to be someone else Im saying just to try to be a bit funny. Also people like to be ariund confident people. So if you act confident and not like shy and closed up then that might also help. I would recommend trying boxing. That way you can let out all your excess energy in hitting a hard thing that swings with gloves. The internet could be destryed in seconds if these solar winds come soo i would recommend building something else up as well such as tree climbing or outdoorsy stuff.
Hope that helped...
feel free to PM me if you want to chat
(i also am very secretive on here)

thx
-The Wild Dog- a homeschooler, debater, reader, coder. Loves hearing about new inventions and technology!

PM me whenever! I love to chat/rant! If you don't i'll PM you!
(My Uncle (professional photographer and computer programmer) took the photo of mr birthday dog!)
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Old May 19th, 2019, 01:32 PM   #4
thewilddog
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

Okayyyyyyy........ Um....Right...Yeah, I cant open chatrom either!! Sooooo I would talk to your parents and tell them everythingÖYes I know you might not want to butÖ they have bee n through a lot too. Does sombody need to hear of your name in onehundred yeaes. Some of the nicest and most sacrificial people inth world fighting for justice have been killed and we still dont know their names. If you dont want to sit behind a desk then you xould become an IT teacher. Or A python teacher.. or a farmer...or whatever tryto makecyour (few) friends laugh. Peeople like to be around funny people. Now im not saying pretend to be someone else Im saying just to try to be a bit funny. Also people like to be ariund confident people. So if you act confident and not like shy and closed up then that might also help. I would recommend trying boxing. That way you can let out all your excess energy in hitting a hard thing that swings with gloves. The internet could be destryed in seconds if these solar winds come soo i would recommend building something else up as well such as tree climbing or outdoorsy stuff.
Hope that helped...
feel free to PM me if you want to chat
(i also am very secretive on here)

thx
-The Wild Dog- a homeschooler, debater, reader, coder. Loves hearing about new inventions and technology!

PM me whenever! I love to chat/rant! If you don't i'll PM you!
(My Uncle (professional photographer and computer programmer) took the photo of mr birthday dog!)
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Old May 19th, 2019, 03:54 PM   #5
CnfusdTeen192
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

It made some sense to me but I think I understand what your trying to say, I’ve been and still am at some extent feel like everything that I’m doing is pointless have no meaning, or I can’t do much because I will overthink and only think about the negatives in the process, not getting anything done. Everyone that I know thinks I’m fine this perfect kid going to have a life ahead of him, but they don’t know a pinch of my problems not even my parents. Also yeah at some point i too got drunk just because of how depressed I was and I wrote so much on my thoughts on paper, which I read it when ever I’m just collapsing emotionally so I feel what your going through.

My names Cole. Iím a 17 years old. PM me if anyone want to talk.
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Old May 22nd, 2019, 09:58 PM   #6
Uniquemind
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, make peace with yourself and then make peace with others.

Dreams aren’t accomplished in a day or even a year it’s slow persistence and discipline you need for the long game of life. Look not to prideful success of others, nor to the goal of the most handsome or beautiful ideal of a spouse; know that isn’t the average.

There isn’t anything wrong with average, either.
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Old May 27th, 2019, 12:09 PM   #7
Basima
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Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

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Old May 30th, 2019, 01:07 PM   #8
Second Chance
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Join Date: February 2, 2011
Gender: Male
Default Re: Super Depressing (In my opinion)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrPython View Post
Hi.
. . .

This is strange... Stranger than I expected.

I guess I'm supposed to write this in past tense, though I hardly feel like admitting it's over.


(Let me know if you got that reference)
(And no itís not over but itÖ The quote sounded better in my head when I was contemplating registering an account on this forum.)

Oh and by the way, this seems very depressing in my opinion, maybe itís because itís about me but eh.

Well, I am a very paranoid person who overthinks every little detail. For example, even for viewing this forum, I used Kali Linux with a VPN leading to Switzerland using the Tor browser for the grand total of 5 different IPís this connection has gone through. Before I registered an account with a 56 character password, I decided to create my 4th Proton Mail (Not a fake email account as I use these all the time for legit stuff as well.) account with another 56 character long password and none of it making total sense since it would be easier for someone to gain access via the forum not using SSL (https).
With that said, I think that shows how paranoid I am. Now IRL, this need of security I use online carryís over in a different way, nobody but the readers of this post will know of my true personality.

My parents know very little about me, even though I am being raised in a normal middle income family and I see them multiple times a day. With that being said, I never give them the chance to know who I truly am as I have multiple personalities depending on a situation. With Family and semi-close Friends (No true friend in a couple years which is honestly sad in my opinion) I am a talkative and impulsive while still being mainly cautions on the outside and at school, Iím the ďquietĒ kid. There are a lot of varied mixes between those 2 outside personalities. Now, my inside personality is a super paranoid, overthinking/overcomplicating, depressive, self-conscious, boring, and super impulsive (All comparable to the ďQuietĒ kid). I like to put on a show that nothing bad affects me and to appear mentally stronger which in some aspects have been implemented into my inner personality (for example last season in which I played lacrosse, I was knocked over and trampled getting kicked in the face with cleats multiple times and I pushed through it with a broken Pinky and Nose and got up to try and stop the offensive team.) which has now been implemented into my pure personality the ability to continue even with immense amounts of pain while on the outside I act like anything I hear behind my back or tone of voice doesnít matter to me (especially at school) but it really does hurt. All of this has been held in for around 4 years or since I was 10-11.

Now, I do already see a therapist for my shitty ADHD which I probably shouldíve mentioned earlier and I donít plan on talking with him in the future about any of this just because of my inability to be looked at weakly.

My life is almost all centered on the internet with my main focus in life programming mainly Python which I spend a couple hours a day devoting to and have given up on my appearances that would allow me to get to know new people so right now I gain friends at a slow rate and it seems as if I lose them at a faster rate (I WONDER WHY!?). I know most of the problems that I have and yet, I have no incentive to fix it. My whole life is centered around the belief that ignorance is something that I would no matter what try to abolish in my life, but with all my emotions/thoughts being kept inside for such a long time, I believe that I have too much bias to declare anything definitively about myself.

With my thought process of every decision I make starting with, ďwhat are the repercussions of this action?Ē, I never do anything exciting (I also shouldíve mentioned before (again(ooo triple parenthesis)) that I quit most activities I did a year ago (which was already very slim with the main one being lacrosse)) I never act on impulse at school or when it is appropriate and since itís been cooped up inside for a couple years, makes me want to TAKE A SWING AT THE FIRST fucking ďpopularĒ KID I SEE in the hall, in class, on google photos, social media, plain text boasting about someones popularity. If I did throw a punch at someone it would honestly make me feel so happy and fulfilled but then again, that would never happen because of my thought process (CONSEQUENCES). Knowing that the one thing that I believe would relieve my anger and stress will never happen makes me miserable and sad when Iím up every night at 3 am trying to figure out why a line of code wonít work in my program.

I over obsess about everything (besides this post since all iím doing is rambling on about random things sometimes with no context), when I hear of a threat to my normal daily routine, I research everything I can find on the subject until I can find a definitive answer. Now the problem with that is, cyber security means everything to me and with the constant threats of leakage of information, it keeps me up at night researching ways to better protect my self. For example if this forum post was linked back to me IRL I would kill myself. I am a very secretive person and with my future jobs in mind, I canít have this sort of information available to any of my future employers as mantle health would most likely play a factor. Plus I donít want anybody who knows me to know what I think.

I just donít know what to do anymore. I HAVE ZERO IDEA. I WANT TO BE THOUGHT OF AS SOMEONE MOST PEOPLE ENJOY BEING AROUND BUT ALL I SEE IN MY FUTURE IS ME SITTING BEHIND A DESK WITH NO SOCIAL LIFE WHATSOEVER ROTTING AWAY TILL MY PREMATURE DEATH DUE TO A FREAK OFFICE FIRE AT AGE 63. IÖ I donít know what awaits in life at all and what I almost certainly do believe in, nothing I do matters at all in the long term. If anybody can name a random guy among millions of others who worked at any job let me know. Nobody will have heard of my name in a hundred years better yet while iím still alive. Now I donít know what to do, and iím going to keep staying to myself for the foreseeable future although I know, Iím trapped. Also if it sounds like I am self destructiveÖ iím not, Iím just fearful of the future. But iíve heard that writing a suicide note does relieve some stress. And Even if I was self harmful, I can guarantee 99% that nobody can track me. I probably shouldnít have challenged anybody to do so but, what do I care.

Let me know your thoughts on this ramble of mine even if you didnít read it all.
Oh shit iíve been writing for an hour. That ought to say something about my indecisiveness.
Also is anybody else not able to open that chatroom???
Also another additoion, i'm pretty damn drunk right now so this post probably makes literally 0 sense to anyone and I'm not sure if i should delete it or not.
No one at this forum is here to judge you, and I am sure most people on here and around you want to help you. However, nothing can happen unless there is a willingness on your part to change which you indicated you do not want to do.

The fact that you have created this thread and given us a detailed writeup of your issues shows that you know something is going wrongly and that you are headed towards a breakdown.

The most important thing you can do is accept the fact that there are people out there who accept you for who you are and not who they want you to be. Are there people out there who are not going to treat you properly? Yes, that is the case, but the reality is that most people will care for you if you allow them to do so.

No one can care about you if they do not know who you are. If you are coming apart at the seams, then it is important you are telling people who you really are. It might be scary for some folks at first knowing that your inside might not be as good as what you look on the outside, but they will get over it.

It is your choice whether or not you want to push people away and devolve into a dark place where you are alone. It is going to take time and openess on your part to be in a place where you should be.

The paranoia you describe clearly is not healthy, and you need to deal with it otherwise it will consume your life. People have been through your situation, and they have gotten better through therapy and working with their loved ones.

Clearly, you are a very intelligent person, and it takes a lot to admit that you have an issue. Now it is your choice to confront the issues and work with those around you and to develop a support structure. You may fall down a couple of times, but that is all right as long as you get back up. Do not be afraid, and seek assistance if you want to get better than you are now. You are not broken, and you just need some help which can happen if you are open about who you are. It is not going to be easy to get better, but it can happen if you develop a support structure now.
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