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Old November 11th, 2005, 11:53 PM   #281
Dante
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where t he bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

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Old November 12th, 2005, 01:29 AM   #282
Jedi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Se7en
Transplant


A man comes to the doctor and says, "m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter."

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick.

He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?"

The doctor replies... "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
hehehehe! thats really funny
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Old November 12th, 2005, 01:34 AM   #283
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The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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Old November 12th, 2005, 01:42 AM   #284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jedi
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Canada kicks ass

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old November 12th, 2005, 08:35 PM   #285
Jedi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Se7en
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where t he bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.
i heard one similar 2 that but it goes liek this:

The pope just died and they r looking 4 a new pope, so they say that theyre *auditioning* for a new pope.

On the day, 100 ppl come.
In walks this drop-dead blonde chik. The popes assistant makes every1 take off theyre clothes and tie a bell 2 their balls, and he said, "if ur bell rings then ur out, and the last guy standing becomes pope."
So the chik starts 2 strip slowly.
She goes, "ohhh, its hot in here!" and she takes her top off. 10bells ring.
"Oooohhhh its really hot!" she takes off her bra. 40bells ring.
Then she takes off her pants. 40bells ring
Its down 2 the last 10!
she takes off her panties and 9bells ring.
the assistant 2 the pope says 2 the last guy, "congrats, ur the newpope!"
and he adds, "ur rite, it is hot in here!" and the assistant takes off his shirt."
the guys bell begins to ring
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Old November 12th, 2005, 11:27 PM   #286
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A man tells his friend about when he went skydiving. He had a gay instructor. After everyone had jumped, he hesitated, and the instructor said to him if you don't jump, I'm going to fuck you up the ass

His friend replyed to this, why did you jump?

The man replys well, at first

Sic Semper Tyrannis
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Old December 9th, 2005, 01:04 PM   #287
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i dont get it....

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Old December 24th, 2005, 01:28 PM   #288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redcar
Whats the best thing to come out of Arkansas?

I-40

ha ha lol i live in arkansas and i evean find that funny

come to my dieary

evreything and inbatween

it rocks

and im shuting up now


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Old December 24th, 2005, 01:38 PM   #289
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ok heres one

a travaler was walking down a road one day whene he came upone a signe that saied sister marys catholic church of prostitoution 2 miles ahead well the man thought it was a joke so he weant on soon he saw a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution 1 mile ahead so thean the man started to bealive it soon he came acrose a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution right here so he wqalked up to the church and noked on the door and the abby greated him the man said i have come becaous of the signs and the abby said right this way so she then lead him down a series of passegways wile nuns poked there heads out and smiled at him sooon they came to a door at the end and another nun said right through here is were all of the gurls are but first you must deposit a gold coin so the man emptied his poket and the nun said varey well go on in so the man did but to his supprise the door lead outside and right in front of him was a sign which said go in peac and conseder youreself offichaly screwed

come to my dieary

evreything and inbatween

it rocks

and im shuting up now


don't click this link...
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Old December 28th, 2005, 01:52 PM   #290
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Quote:
Originally Posted by i_love_jesus
ok heres one

a travaler was walking down a road one day whene he came upone a signe that saied sister marys catholic church of prostitoution 2 miles ahead well the man thought it was a joke so he weant on soon he saw a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution 1 mile ahead so thean the man started to bealive it soon he came acrose a nother sign that said sister mareys catholic church of prostitoution right here so he wqalked up to the church and noked on the door and the abby greated him the man said i have come becaous of the signs and the abby said right this way so she then lead him down a series of passegways wile nuns poked there heads out and smiled at him sooon they came to a door at the end and another nun said right through here is were all of the gurls are but first you must deposit a gold coin so the man emptied his poket and the nun said varey well go on in so the man did but to his supprise the door lead outside and right in front of him was a sign which said go in peac and conseder youreself offichaly screwed
sorry we speak english here
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Old December 28th, 2005, 03:45 PM   #291
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A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was
all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was
with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one
question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I
think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
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Old December 28th, 2005, 03:46 PM   #292
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"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives
died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife was murdered."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the fucking mushrooms!"
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Old January 1st, 2006, 01:34 PM   #293
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How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When
your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you
lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When
intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are
you talking about?

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST -
When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you
argue over money.

LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you
steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns
everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When
the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -
What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When
all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you
write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST
- When you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - When your only
concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST -
When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE -
When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO
your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your
golf score.
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Old January 1st, 2006, 01:34 PM   #294
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An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the
floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of
your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing
seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 12:27 AM   #295
Whisper
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please just edit you're posts
don't post directly after your last

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old January 3rd, 2006, 05:27 AM   #297
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I didn't find the first one very funny, but the second one was just horrible!!!

Sic Semper Tyrannis
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Old January 3rd, 2006, 01:13 PM   #298
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The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."

So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."

The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."

Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."

The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"

Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"

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Old January 3rd, 2006, 01:36 PM   #299
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lmao i luv it!

~ A L E X ~

||||||||||||
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Old January 3rd, 2006, 01:39 PM   #300
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lmfao!!!!!

http://usera.imagecave.com/aoxfordca/dyinglull4.jpg
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^

She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
***
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something
~Bri
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