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Old February 21st, 2018, 05:51 PM   #1
lumiadots
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Default I just really need some advice.

I know this might be the most cliche way to start this off, but I'm an 18 year old female who had never had any trauma or abuse or any major bad thing happen to me in life. I've been through my share of hardships, like everyone in this world has, but I've had a pretty normal, happy life for the most part. Which is why I'm so concerned about what's been happening to me this past year.

It started my senior year of high school. I really, truly don't know exactly how it all started, but I just started losing motivation. For homework, for forensics, and basically anything school-related. I blamed it on senioritis and being excited to graduate. Then, after graduation, my best friend of four years blocked me on every social media with absolutely no explanation, and it kinda broke my heart. Over the summer, I started spending a lot more time indoors instead of being outside, even though I love the outdoors. My mom questioned me about it a lot, but I didn't really have an answer for her. I just preferred to be inside, I guess, even if it was uncharacteristic for me.

Then college starts fall 2017. This is when shit really started going downhill for me. Firstly, I have no idea what I want my major to be. I have ideas, sure, but no clear idea on what I want to spend money working towards. I wanted to take a gap year to try and find myself, but my parents' disappointment in that and the fear that if I didn't go right away I would never go to college scared me into going right after high school. At this point, I hadn't talked to any of my old high school friends all summer. I really had no one outside my parents and boyfriend. I had completely let all ties just drop over the summer, and the sad thing is I didn't even realize it until I was walking the halls of campus and saw so many friends talking and laughing together.

I started missing class, missing deadlines, and having zero motivation to do anything related to schoolwork. Even when I managed to get to class, I couldn't focus on anything the professor was saying, and I left knowing just about the same amount as I knew going into the classroom. I berated myself, called myself lazy, because I had no idea why it was so fucking hard for me just to do homework. It had never been this hard before. Of course, no one wants to do homework. It just felt really different this time around.

I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend right before school started. I enjoy living on my own, still do to this day, but I had to work extra to pay bills. I got a job as a server at a Texas Roadhouse, and if you know anything about that restaurant chain, you know how busy the place is 24/7. I often worked 12 hour Saturdays, 10 hour Sundays, and 7 hour Fridays and Wednesdays as well as taking 16 credits for college. I fucking broke. I think it was the stress that made it get this bad. Maybe it was moving out and having to pay my own bills. Maybe it had just been festering from the lack of motivation for schoolwork, hanging out with friends, or being outside doing stuff over the past 6 or so months and it was just getting worse. I don't really know at this point.

All I know is that I'm tired. I'm exhausted all the time, I'm getting chronic headaches and body pains, and I'm starting to just not want to leave my bed. I haven't had sex or even treated my boyfriend with any ounce of friendliness or romance in close to 5 months now. I won't shower for days on end because I can't even find it in me to wash my hair. I haven't spoken to anyone outside of my boyfriend or my parents since this past June or July. It's February now. I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I'm really hurting. I realized it was getting bad when I would start getting horrible stomach cramps from not eating, because getting off the couch to grab a granola bar felt like the hardest thing to do.

I tried, at the end of last semester, though. I was realizing something was wrong with me, obviously, and I managed to go through a bunch of legal trouble to get the two classes I failed last semester taken off my transcript and I filed for a SAP appeal so I could get financial aid back this semester. I took Mondays and Wednesdays off my availability for work, so now I only worked Friday through Sundays, albeit they were still long and stressful hours. I'm only taking 9 credits this semester instead of 16. I really did try to make things easier for myself.

Nothing has changed, though. It's only gotten worse. I attempted to find online counseling, but it's hard for me to write my thought down, which is why this is all a jumbled mess. I've lost 27 pounds since September and I am really underweight. I can see it when I look at myself in the mirror. It hurts to lay on my stomach or my sides because my hips and ribs stick out so much. I smell like shit and haven't even bothered to wear makeup or wear anything outside hoodies and sweatpants for months now. I am trying to be productive, I'm really trying, but it's just so hard. I feel hopeless and I feel like I shouldn't even bother trying anymore. I've already missed a week's worth of class in just a month. My boyfriend is worried sick. My mood changes on a dime and I get so fucking angry at him for no reason, before just breaking down in tears. I'm so angry now. I never used to be. I'm so scared to talk to my mom because she doesn't believe in mental illness and I know she will just call me lazy. I can't afford therapy, and I'm under my mom's insurance so I can't have insurance cover it without my mom knowing. I'm fucked if I fail out of college again.

I feel so bad about all of this. I lay in bed and sit on my phone and feel physically sick that I'm not doing anything productive. I want to be. But it's fucking hard. I refuse to self-diagnose anything, because it's my personal opinion that's a dumb thing to do, but I do know something is wrong. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to take the steps to find the motivation to take care of myself again, much less actually not fail out of college and ruin any chance of getting back in it again.I don't know how to fix this ruined relationship I have with my bf. It's a miracle he's even still around, I treat him so bad and I don't even mean to.

I just need help going forward. I feel stuck.

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Old February 21st, 2018, 06:29 PM   #2
Uniquemind
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

This is a serious level of depression and requires a specialist.

There are resources that can help you provided by your school or college most likely.

Maybe someone on these forums can provide you a phone hotline to call and speak to someone immediately.
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Old February 21st, 2018, 07:37 PM   #3
lumiadots
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uniquemind View Post
This is a serious level of depression and requires a specialist.

There are resources that can help you provided by your school or college most likely.

Maybe someone on these forums can provide you a phone hotline to call and speak to someone immediately.
I appreciate your input. I don't believe I'm in any danger, though. I have no thoughts of killing myself or wanting to end my life. It's just the feeling of having no joy or fulfillment in anything, or the motivation to find any. Maybe that is depression. Of course, I'm not going to say anything unless I get an official diagnosis. I think I will look into my college to see if there's a therapist I could talk to for free. I hate talking on the phone, so I don't think I will look into hotlines, but I also think I don't need them. As I said, I don't believe I'm in any danger to myself or others. I'm just really lost.

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Old February 21st, 2018, 09:57 PM   #4
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lumiadots View Post
I appreciate your input. I don't believe I'm in any danger, though. I have no thoughts of killing myself or wanting to end my life. It's just the feeling of having no joy or fulfillment in anything, or the motivation to find any. Maybe that is depression. Of course, I'm not going to say anything unless I get an official diagnosis. I think I will look into my college to see if there's a therapist I could talk to for free. I hate talking on the phone, so I don't think I will look into hotlines, but I also think I don't need them. As I said, I don't believe I'm in any danger to myself or others. I'm just really lost.
I never said you were suicidal, but the problem is your at a point where you cant predict how low your gonna go or if your gonna bounce back.

There is a lack of causation to promote these feelings which leads me to say this is a neurological deficit of dopamine in your brain.

For immediate measures have your boyfriend bring you some dark chocolate, consume it to see if it even slightly makes you feel better. Then go see a doctor ASAP.


Im not a doctor so all of this should not be replacement for medical advice, but from one person to another I give minor advice knowing chocolate can give a small boost in dopamine.
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Old February 21st, 2018, 11:11 PM   #5
Morgan13
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

Do you have anything social you get to do with others at all besides school and work? It might help if you joined a club or sport where you could make new friends and kind of escape from your daily chaos every once in a while. Actually if you can fit this into your schedule I would highly recommend you do so because team bonding really helps a person feel like they have a place they belong and gives them a support system. Also, if you have a career center at your college you should try and make a visit there. It would be helpful if you could talk to someone about what different options there are available to you and to have someone help you plan your future so you feel less lost. And, this is going to sound dumb, but you should take an hour and sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write down a list of things you want to accomplish or get done. It can be anything, like picking a place you want to travel to in five years, or making a workout schedule or planning to clean your room. If you set goals and make plans for yourself, no matter how trivial they might seem, youll have something to work towards and youll have a purpose to latch on to. This is will also help you feel more in control over your life.
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Old June 16th, 2018, 12:58 PM   #6
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

Just violently scribbling on a piece of paper could help too, pretend it's everything that is wrong, cute it into tiny pieces and throw it into the dustbin. You have to find an outlet. You also gotta think back what caused all of this and make sure nothing is holding you back from moving on.
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Old June 16th, 2018, 02:10 PM   #7
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Default Re: I just really need some advice.

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