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Old April 13th, 2018, 09:41 PM   #1
New Member
aslitherofhope's Forum Picture
Name: Mike
Join Date: April 13, 2018
Location: England
Age: 15
Gender: Transgender FtM*
Default hi

I'm not really sure where to put this so I just put it here because it involves stuff to do with mental health.

So basically, life seems to be really complicated right now. Just gonna rant about everything on my mind because there's no where else to put it right now, my parents are in too much of a deep sleep to be woken so I can't talk to them.

Starting off, I'm struggling with gender issues right now. My gender never bothered me until the age of 12, I never really questioned it because I thought boys and girls were the same. There were several occasions on which I'd walked into the boys bathroom because I genuinely didn't think there was a difference. Coming to think of it, I guess it was when I hit puberty and things started separating the genders more that I realised, hey, how come my voice isn't changing... How come I'm not getting drastically taller or growing facial hair, what on Earth is going on!

I was confused, I was sure of who I am but I had a slight "wobble" inside me about the initial decision because I knew that changing your gender is far from a walk in the park. I'm past that wobbly stage now though, I have made my decision and I will eventually get on hormones and go under the knife.

It's especially hard as a teenager facing this because no one takes me seriously, they think I am still undecided, when I know I am not. They aren't living in my body. They don't know the great discomfort I am in because what I see is not what I thought I was, I see a girl where I should see a boy.

On top of that, all my friends are changing around me while I'm the small squeaky one of the group that hasn't hit puberty, and I'll be that way until I'm 18 at least...

I hate sticking out so I try my hardest to blend in, and it works, when I'm not with people that know I'm not physically a boy. New people, strangers, refer to me as a boy and this makes me very happy because it shows me how far I've come as an individual. It makes me happy because it shows that the work I put in to building a more masculine body and training my voice to be a little bit lower was paying off.

A problem I have is that I never ask for help. I don't like being a nuisance to people. If it is hard for people to use my desired name/ "pronouns", I just tell them to leave it. Maybe one day, I'll step down and help them to get used to it!

I don't like being associated with the word "transgender", I don't consider myself to be described only as "trans". I hate that word so much. It isn't me. I just feel like I am really meant to be a boy end of. Honestly, it's a mind f*** sometimes... Just when I forget that I'm a girl, I am given a kick up the behind, a reminder that "it" isn't there

Anyway, I could go on for ages about that one and I probably already have (sorry about that), the next topic is one that's been bothering me quite a lot actually.

So basically, I keep hearing and seeing things that don't actually happen and aren't actually there. At first I thought it was a ghost but I don't think that makes any logical sense so I decided that it was probably entirely in my head considering no one else that's ever in my room complains about paranormal activity as such...

Basically I hear voices, like the occasional whisper, when I'm alone. It's gotten to the point at which I have to have my headphones on most of the time to make sure I won't hear anything. Not only do I hear things, but as I said, I see things too. They come with audio sometimes too. For example, things may fall over and when I leave the room and do other stuff, forgetting about it, I'll come back to find them back in their place...? I also hear footsteps, breathing and feel cold gushes of air even when my windows, curtains and doors are closed.

Another one is that I am always remembering things differently to others. Like even whole events that supposedly happen for me, don't happen for everyone else. It's confusing, and again I'm not sure what it is, but I know it's in my head somehow.

There are a tonne of issues that I'm facin' right now and it's just a bit overwhelming. Sorry if this is patchy, just rambling.

I can't sleep because of the delusions. It messes with me way too much. I feel like I'm never alone anymore, and to be honest, I wish I was, for once. I never thought I'd say that...

One thing is that I tend to carry other peoples problems as well as my own on my shoulders. My best friend, I'm gonna call this person Bob for comedic purposes only, is struggling possibly more than I am but I can't tell because Bob is not very good at communicating feelings to other people, especially negative ones. Bob usually locks everyone on the other side of the door and loses the key, possibly intentionally...

Bob has anorexia and it pains me to see Bob practically starving. I try to interfere because I care deeply about Bob. When I'm with Bob, I see change in how Bob feels, Bob is happier. When I am with Bob, Bob SEEMS to eat better, on the outside anyway.

Bob's in the LGBT+ spectrum, I'm not gonna say which one because I don't know, Bob just told me Bob's like me, but not exactly the same, just not "normal" like most people are.

We get on well. Bob makes me happy and I do the same for Bob. We enjoy spending time together. We met about 3 years ago, something like that anyway. It was an instant connection and couldn't have made a better best friend.

The problem is that whenever Bob gets hurt, I do too. I never see Bob getting bullied because when I'm there, no one messes with Bob. Bob can't exactly stand up against people, Bob's... "fragile". I think they bully Bob behind my back because I only ever hear about the bullying from Bob.

I want to give those bullies a taste of their own medicine but I know better than that because, hey, violence really won't solve anything in the matter... They're the type of people that beat up others for snitching but are snitches themselves... come on...

I never get bullied, can stand up to others pretty well and deal with things rather "sensibly and efficiently". Happy about that. Also happy about the fact that my parents accepted me from day one, well not so much with my dad but he came to accept me with time, they do come through in the end!

However, the fact that I'm lucky doesn't change how I feel. I definitely have some type of depression. Several times thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind and I have even gone as far as to try multiple times. Each time related to my gender and the fact that I will never be truly biologically male, like I should be.

Depression is annoying because just when you think you're okay, you spiral into a seemingly inescapable black hole of sadness. I know a lot of people on here are suffering from the same things as me right now, and I want these people to know that we need to be there for each other, because we are all experiencing relatively similar things and as easy as it is to forget, you aren't alone.

One of the best ways to combat sadness and depression and all these problems, is to spend more time doing what you love, with who you love, with who is true and who cares about you and just who cares in general. If you feel you have no one, there are plenty of people around you, just look harder! There are more than 7 billion of them!

If you really do feel you have no one, you're in the right place, on the internet! You can connect with people in similar situations to you without the hassle of confrontation and knowing the person in "real life". It's just easier that way, there isn't as much judgement, it seems.

Anyway, I'm going to stop there before this becomes ten thousand miles long. Thanks for sticking with my rambling till the end, cheers!

I hope you are okay right now and if you aren't, well, if I'm still here we could chat and talk about life, try and solve problems together rather than sit alone and create them.

Peace for now.

Last edited by aslitherofhope; April 13th, 2018 at 09:48 PM.
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Old May 5th, 2018, 06:19 PM   #2
Nice Poster
hayley2003's Forum Picture
Name: Hayley
Join Date: September 9, 2017
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 2
Default Re: hi

kinda reminds me of interview i saw with Chaz Bono; Cher's daughter that later transitioned into being a man. Chaz said he didn't feel confrontable being a girl.
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Old June 16th, 2018, 01:09 PM   #3
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letters0numbers's Forum Picture
Join Date: June 16, 2018
Gender: Female
Default Re: hi

I love how this went from depressing to "this is how you fight depression!!" Anyways. you're only at the age of 14. The chances of puberty hitting you is still there, which is also fine if it doesn't, we still accept you.
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