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Old July 16th, 2009, 03:00 AM   #1121
Random_oso06
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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

"When Life gives you lemons make grape juice then sit down and let the world wonder how you did it" [/FONT][/SIZE][/CENTER]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiros View Post
I'm a pretty girl...
Have any questions come ask me
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Old July 18th, 2009, 06:28 PM   #1122
OnlyByTheNight.
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The newsest video game released for the OAPs:
Title-Gran Theft Auto.
Tagline-Drive within the speed limits.

~Failure is not falling down, it's not getting back up again~

~Laura was here~
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Old July 21st, 2009, 12:45 AM   #1123
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A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6
children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her
first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her
husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a
beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly
yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with
you -- father of four!"

__________________________________________________________________
Laquisha went into the welfare office so she could receive money for her children.
The social worker says, "Ma'am I need you to fill out this form and list each of your children separately on these lines."
Laquisha agrees and returns the next day with her paper work, each line filled out.
The social worker looks at her form puzzled and says, "Ma'am, I don't think you understood, I needed you to put a different child on each line." Laquisha responds, "yes, I did." "Well ma'am", says the social worker, " every line says Leroy." "Yes", says Laquisha, "all my children have the same name."
"Well what if you want them to come in for dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leroy!' out the window and the all come in."
"Well, what if you only want one of them?"
"That's simple I just call them by their last name."

_______________________________________________________________--

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more money.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn down the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they each put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and low and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took a week to clean up the church.
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Old July 26th, 2009, 08:29 PM   #1124
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What do you call a mushroom that walks into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

A fungi.






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Old July 26th, 2009, 09:11 PM   #1125
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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her 9-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"Okay. How much?" the man asks after considering the position he is in.

"25 dollars," the little boy replies.

"25 DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"Okay. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"50 dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"75 dollars," the little boy says.

"75 DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.
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Old July 27th, 2009, 10:02 PM   #1126
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I quit my job at the helium bottling factory earlier today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone..
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Old July 31st, 2009, 08:19 PM   #1127
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What is green and says "hey I'm a frog"?

A talking frog.

--------

What does a gay horse say?

Hay!

~Failure is not falling down, it's not getting back up again~

~Laura was here~
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Old August 1st, 2009, 02:14 AM   #1128
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

--http://www.ahajokes.com/scard.html

Ownage!

University of California
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Old August 2nd, 2009, 12:37 PM   #1129
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It doesn't matter that this joke is bad, it's 2:08AM and you're more interested in the porn on the next tab.

--

Carlsberg don't do money slang, but if they did, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't call it WONGA like that cunt from the Envirofone advert.

--

Sorry for staring at your tits... I thought I was wearing my sunglasses.

--

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.
Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Last edited by Oedipus; August 5th, 2009 at 11:05 AM.
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Old August 10th, 2009, 08:24 AM   #1130
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
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Old August 10th, 2009, 09:46 AM   #1131
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How can u tell when a blonde has been driving ur car?


There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A man is on his death bed & confesses to his wife:
Honey I had an affair with ur sister, best friend, and the maid

Wife: I know darling

U just relax and let the poison work

-Carlos
Hey guys/girls, If you need help or just someone to talk to about a situation feel free to PM me or leave me a Visitor Message ...(iRock)

Last edited by The Batman; August 10th, 2009 at 10:03 AM. Reason: double post.
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Old August 10th, 2009, 10:10 AM   #1132
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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Old August 12th, 2009, 05:50 PM   #1133
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^That's awesome!^

Parables and Parasites
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Old August 17th, 2009, 05:40 AM   #1134
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Teacher - james, why is your cat at school today?
James (crying) - I heard the postman tell mummy 'when the kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2 dwarfs pull two girls and take them home. 1st dwarf can't get it up and to make things worse all night he can hear the 2nd dwarf saying "here I come again, 1, 2, 3 uhh."
Next morning 1st dwarf says to 2nd "how embarrasing I couldn't get an erection"
2nd dwarf replies "you think thats bad, I couldn't even get on the f**king bed"

If at thirst you don't succeed, give up and go to the pub
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Old August 17th, 2009, 05:47 AM   #1135
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fallen angel View Post
Teacher - james, why is your cat at school today?
James (crying) - I heard the postman tell mummy 'when the kids go to school I'm going to eat your pussy'
Hahaha! Love that one.

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Old August 23rd, 2009, 01:45 AM   #1136
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you use the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock to smash the glass to get the wrench to smash the glass to get the rock

Three peanuts were walking down the street one was asaulted

Last edited by Requin; August 23rd, 2009 at 04:12 PM.
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Old August 31st, 2009, 02:08 PM   #1137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skittle Flavored View Post
LOL!!!!!

this teenager wants 2 have sex, but he shares a bunkbed with his little brother. so he tells his girlfriend that if she wants it softer say musterd, if she wants it harder, say ketchup. so shes like " ketchup! musterd! ketchup! musterd!" and the little brother says" can u stop making sandwiches up there? ur getting mayonase all over me!"
Love it, nice one!
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Old August 31st, 2009, 02:08 PM   #1138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by soadnation View Post
a couple are having dinner when a rober comes in and tise therm both up. he goes and wispers in the womens ear and then goes to the bathroom

the husband told his wife that the guy probly hasnt had sex in years and to be strong

wife"he told me he weas gay. be strong honey"


i read this on a pb website so its not exactly right
lol. Now that would freak me out.
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Old September 1st, 2009, 06:49 PM   #1139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dante View Post
What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A lickalotapuss.
WE NEED A GOOD LAUGHING EMOTICON

i nearly fell out of my chair reading this one Don't care how old it is

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Originally Posted by Sapphire_Flames View Post
VT turned me lesbo acid wankers wtf.
~Laura Was Here~
Retired Gmod
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Old September 2nd, 2009, 06:24 AM   #1140
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A woman is in a deep coma, and when the nurse was giving her a sponge bath, she notices some brain activity when she got to the pubic area.
The doctor asks to her husband:
-This will sound very strange, but could you have oral sex with your wife?
-Okay, if you ask so...
The door is closed to give them a little privacy, and 5 minutes later the husband shows up at the door and the doctor asks:
-So, did you do it?
-Yes, but I think she choked...

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