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Old May 22nd, 2019, 10:53 PM   #1
Sammi
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Default What can I do if itís too late?

Iíve only just been able to talk to others besides my sis and mom about something that happened to me last year at a beach party when we were on vacation in France
It was a wild party, most of the beach parties were but our parents let us go even though as the youngest I was 12 because I was with at least my sister or my brothers too and it was just out the front of the hotel on the beach
It was a lovely place
Dress code wasnít much, we just went in bikinis like the other girls and bikini tops would just end up coming off and the local girls showed up like that sometimes too
Totally different to the USA

But I ended up going for a walk with a cute guy who was around 15-16
He didnít speak much English I didnít speak much French and weíd hung out a bit that day at the beach, it was flattering being not quite 13 and this older cute guy so interested

He got me away from the group and we started to make out which was great, I was happy doing that and got used to his hands every where and it wasnít long until he pulled the side ties of my bikini bottoms and took them off and his shorts and resumed making out only more intensely and after a few minutes was on top of me
He clearly wanted sex and I said no that I wasnít ready and remembered my sisters advise and started to suck him which he really liked but after a few minutes he pushed me back and rolled me onto my tummy and was starting to push it into me and I said no again and that I was a virgin and he stopped and I donít know what it was, either he had lube or suntan oil or something but he said okay and rubbed it on my butt and on him and I just didnít get a choice

When he was done he put his shorts back on and helped me into my bottoms and kept kissing me and saying merci merci and wanted to go back to the party
Even though it hurt so much I just ran back to my room and showered until the water was cold
I just made like I was tired and pretended to be asleep when my sister came back to our room but I never said anything until a few weeks after getting home to the USA

I think Iíve dealt with it but I still really freaks me out at times
I know I canít report it or do anything other than avoid bad situations
But does anyone know anything I can do to really move on?
I had counselling mom made me go to and it got better but now it keeps coming back to me
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Old May 23rd, 2019, 12:13 AM   #2
Maxbreak
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Speak to your mum again. It sounds like you might not be over it and may need more counciling. I hope things get better
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Old May 23rd, 2019, 12:27 AM   #3
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

it sounds like you still have a lot of post traumatic stress, i would recommend talking to your mum again and see if you can get any more counselling sessions, i think it would benefit you a lot in the long run
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Old May 24th, 2019, 08:47 AM   #4
Uniquemind
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Sounds like PTSD. I would continue with more therapy and find hobbies that can restore an emotional sense of autonomy.


Martial-arts classes and other self-defense classes can help with this too, and simulate some of the physical sensations of being pinned down, but also train your mind to dissociate from the emotional panic brought on by the original memory of the events described above.



In other posts recently you mention your sexually active now, please consider the possibility that your recent exploration in that has reawakened traumatic memories or sensations your unconscious mind is now trying to make peace with.

Concepts like: Pleasure Vs pain, consent Vs. Non-consent and what that looks like leading up to and just after said events. When I say “what that looks like” I’m speaking more introspectively rather than how other people perceive it.


What does it feel like to give consent Vs. just surviving defensively in these scenarios? How do you flirt with guys but balance both friendliness and a fun atmosphere but also privacy and safety?

These are all complex questions and everyone is going to have a different strategy and openness depending on them.

I know some of my friends just have condoms for situations like these but generally speaking they don’t have issues with casual sex or fear reputation damage from being sexually active, virginity was always a “when the moment is right” kind of thing.

Other friends who have confided in me experiencing similar situation such as yours react similarly to your reaction and have had to seek therapy and the normal std/STI tests to establish a good baseline of their health status with their gynecologist.

Last edited by Uniquemind; May 24th, 2019 at 08:58 AM.
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Old May 24th, 2019, 08:22 PM   #5
ska8er
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Tell ur Mom u r still having flashbacks
and u should go back for more therapy.
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Old May 25th, 2019, 05:12 PM   #6
BJade
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

That's so terrible that happened to you. Feel so sorry that you had to experience that, and that it's still affecting you. I think you should definitely tell someone you trust, like your mum, and probably go back to your therapist. Even if it doesn't stop it being a problem talking to them will help you to start to deal with it and support you to help you get better
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Old May 26th, 2019, 05:54 PM   #7
Emilyfox
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Oh Sammi I’m so sorry
We can talk about this any time
I know what it’s like to be pushed into it or not really get a choice
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Old May 27th, 2019, 10:03 AM   #8
Catt
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Oh you poor thing
Find a friend or someone older you trust to talk it out
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Old May 27th, 2019, 10:17 AM   #9
Zika
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

I realize that for those who are into buzzwords, I risk being accused of "blaming the victim," which I'm not.

Your sister's advice to you was horrible. If a guy is pushing for more sex than you want, the solution is not to go further sexually, believing he'll be satisfied; the solution is to back away...strongly. That may not have been possible in your situation, but could have been a first attempt at ending it.

That said, whatever you did to make it through that situation was the right thing to do at the time, because you survived. My point is for others, or if you ever find yourself in the same situation again, which is likely.

As others have said, you might want to resume therapy. This kind of trauma doesn't resolve with a few sessions.
One option I've heard tends to have good results for this situation is group therapy, hopefully with girls around your age. The dynamic of talking to other victims with a moderator there is different than talking to a therapist.
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Old May 28th, 2019, 01:06 AM   #10
Catt
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zika View Post
I realize that for those who are into buzzwords, I risk being accused of "blaming the victim," which I'm not.

Your sister's advice to you was horrible. If a guy is pushing for more sex than you want, the solution is not to go further sexually, believing he'll be satisfied; the solution is to back away...strongly. That may not have been possible in your situation, but could have been a first attempt at ending it.

That said, whatever you did to make it through that situation was the right thing to do at the time, because you survived. My point is for others, or if you ever find yourself in the same situation again, which is likely.

As others have said, you might want to resume therapy. This kind of trauma doesn't resolve with a few sessions.
One option I've heard tends to have good results for this situation is group therapy, hopefully with girls around your age. The dynamic of talking to other victims with a moderator there is different than talking to a therapist.
Totally agree, placating him or giving him a consolation prize isnít the way
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Old May 28th, 2019, 08:25 AM   #11
Laren502
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

I’m so sorry that happened to you! I definitely agree with the others that talking to someone, maybe a professional someone is a good idea. They would be able to help you cope with what happened and try to keep it from effecting your future relationships
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Old June 10th, 2019, 12:47 PM   #12
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

It’s never too late to report something like that. I’m so sorry this happened to you, if you have at least any info you can provide the authorities I think it would help you feel a little better knowing you’re at least doing something. Hope everything works out for you
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Old June 11th, 2019, 12:00 AM   #13
Ben7
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Firstly, I'm very sorry about what happened, that should never have happened and that guy should be ashamed of what he did to you.

People mentioned that your sister's advice was questionable and I think there's a certain truth to that. I kind of get that your sister was trying to get you to, in a situation where you could not do anything else, settle for what might seem like the "lesser" or "less serious" type of sex (which even that I'm not necessarily sure about), but I think in the end having tried to suck him probably both made him more excited and also he saw it as you reciprocating and enjoying what you both were doing.

I'd say maybe the language barrier was a problem, except that "No" sounds pretty much the same regardless of the language (English vs. French) and he should've taken that as a clear no.

As for what you can or should do now? It's hard to say. I speak from experience in many regards (though quite different situations) that you can never truly or completely forget. But you can at least try to lessen the impact and the burden it has on you. I have found that just talking to people - people you really trust that is (for me, I never really liked any counselors and I didn't find that too helpful), can help - maybe your mom or a sibling or a cousin or an aunt or uncle, a best friend, etc. just someone you really trust and are very close with. Also, therapy/counseling can also help (for me it really didn't) so if you think that's useful for you, then go for it as long as you need to.

Trying to have a positive resolve for the future and just not blaming yourself is an important step as well. Because really, it wasn't your fault. It's hard to describe but with time you can start bumping off that terrible memory with a lot more good memories that will be fresher in your mind (I'm not saying to repress or try to forget necessarily, because I don't think you can or should completely forget), but rather, as more good stuff happens in your life, it takes precedent and greater importance and it allows you to slowly start making peace with your past, a past that yeah you can't do anything about anymore and it was really bad but at least the future looks better now. Don't know if I explained any of this well enough (in general, it's kinda hard to describe in writing).

One final thing is simply: time. With time it will get better (or less bad) and I think you simply need more time as well. Depending on you, it can take months or years, maybe even many years (and if it does you should not feel bad about that either). And in the mean time you just have to hang in there and just keep moving forward.

Hope you are alright and I wish you the best of luck.
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Old June 11th, 2019, 05:57 AM   #14
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Default Re: What can I do if itís too late?

Sammi, i hope now you are all right and i'm really sorry about what happened with you.
As for your question, I think it's impossible now to put that guy under a punishment if it's what you meant. But don't be sad, you are a nice girl, really.
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