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Old February 21st, 2009, 01:27 AM   #1
nachtspiegel
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Default rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

I want to lock myself away and slice myself to shreds. I can't decide whether to laugh manically and bang my head into a wall or slit my wrists open. I was fine this afternoon and now, I feel like doing anything to stop the spinning and the confusion. I'm extremely anxious and jumpy and they're following me again. I saw it outside of my sister's window and it chased me. My mom is telling me that there's nothing there but she's a liar. They're all liars. What if I can't go to sleep? What if they get me then? I'm accountable to someone here but even that is starting to slip. I need to bleed. I need to be out of this. I want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. Damnit. Fuck. I feel like putting my face through the bathroom mirror. I need something to hold onto. My sister wants me to come up to her apartment but I can't go outside. I need to hide. I need to do something. I don't know why I'm even posting here.
q294rawrsdfjasjodf fuckkkkk

Δαβίδ

i had to run away high so i wouldn't come home low.
♫♪
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Old February 21st, 2009, 01:36 AM   #2
Mzor203
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

David, it sounds like you are going through a little bit of a mental crisis. Hang in there buddy, it'll get better. Things are starting to look up for you right now. You look like you're going to be getting a job soon, you've decided to start pulling your life together, you're making great headway, and you can't let that stop here.

If you can possibly get to your sister's house (It wsounds like you might feel a bit better there?) then that would be advisable. But if you can't, seriously, you need to do something that will calm you down,whatever that may be (reading, a cup of tea, etc.) and get some sleep if you can. Things will look brighter in the morning, with a new day in front of you. You can make it till then.
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Old February 21st, 2009, 06:50 AM   #3
Depressed-but-Hyper
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

Obviously you are having a bit of a mental crisis...and maybe you could do with a bit of help. Try talking to your sister, or someone you feel you can trust, about how your feeling and whats making you so jumpy and anxious. Sometimes talking to complete strangers can really help and if you want it, i'm sure someone here will be more then happy to help
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Old February 21st, 2009, 09:55 PM   #4
nachtspiegel
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

I'm a little bit better now, meaning that I have not had to drive myself crazy attempting to figure out what's real and what isn't, even though reality seems so distant. I became so convinced earlier that everything in front of me is a lie that I had to pick my 20-month-old niece up and listen to her heartbeat to bring myself back. I got new clothes today for the first time in years and I feel horrible about it. This only drives my desire to bleed. I know it'd make me feel better for the time being, until I started to hate myself for losing control again. I feel like shouting at the top of my lungs. I want to go lay out in the middle of the road again. I forgot to take my medicine this morning, but today was only day three, so I doubt it made much difference. I feel even worse for not being completely perked because I know that my life could be, and has been, much worse than it is now, even with everything going on. Nobody really understands what when you're Bi-Polar, environmental factors usually do little to help change anything. I'm tired of what people say, and even though I'd like to think that I don't give a fuck, I really do. Therapy isn't helping because I trust my therapist with a bit of information then completely downplay it. The Monday before last, I told her about my suicidal thoughts, and then played it down and lied during a risk assessment. She has no clue about the extensive self-harm problem. I feel like I can trust her more than the other therapists that I've had, but I still can't open up much to her. I've been trying, very much, to block out any recollection of being sexually abused, and I'm trying so hard to convince myself that it didn't happen and that makes it harder to face. I wish I could post more about why this drives me crazy but I would do it and then certainly go bring an end to myself.

Last night's episode was unexpected, but I woke up this morning feeling like shit.

To Rex and Depressed-but-Hyper (sorry, don't know your name): I eventually went up to my sister's. Someone was staring at me from behind a car parked in front of the building, I know it. I keep hearing this voice - sometimes inside and sometimes outside of - my head, and control is becoming harder to maintain. I really don't want to crash and burn just as things are starting to head toward the right direction.

Fuck.

Δαβίδ

i had to run away high so i wouldn't come home low.
♫♪

Last edited by nachtspiegel; February 21st, 2009 at 09:58 PM.
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Old February 22nd, 2009, 04:18 AM   #5
Zephyr
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

Ugh! I'm sorry you're having such a rough patch hun
Voices and hallucinations suck uber much.
And there isn't much to say, but
Control is very hard to have, but just keep thinking to yourself,
"Nothing is there, you're not crazy."
Or something to that extent.
Even if you have to hear yourself say it.
It helps me to say it out loud when I get like that.

Glad you're feeling a bit better though = ]

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 12:15 AM   #6
nachtspiegel
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

I've done that a few times, and it's helped.
I was on the path down by the river earlier today, and I looked back and saw a woman, half naked and covered in blood, running across the path, like a flash that was gone in an instant.
Then I heard screaming, but it couldn't have been real. Could it?
This is getting worse...
It felt like my heart dropped into my stomach and I got dizzy and started wandering around.

One minute, I'm content with everything I am, and the next, I hate myself and want to slash my wrists up. I know that it's only a matter of time before I end up going over the edge and I'm torn between wanting to avoid it and wanting to induce it.

I'm unbelievably anxious and I keep having these bouts of shaking and rocking back and forth uncontrollably. My mom just keeps staring at me. The other night, I came running into the apartment and started darting around the room, and she gave me a rude look and was just like "I guess I'm gonna have to have you committed."
It's made me a little distant from her and I don't want to talk about it now.

Fuck.

Δαβίδ

i had to run away high so i wouldn't come home low.
♫♪
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 06:00 PM   #7
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

I know you've mentioned a therapist before, but I don't know the extent of that.
Are you on any medication yet?
I know you said something about having to wait for it a while back unless I'm not remembering correctly.

If it makes you feel the slightest bit better,
Lately for me it's been:
Hearing feral growling and low voices
Paranoia
And every time I walk out to my car I feel stalked and think I see some large unidentifiable quadruped or a shadow man.

Just try and keep yourself safe hun,
And try and get a hold of somebody next time it starts up.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 06:49 PM   #8
nachtspiegel
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

Recently, I was on Zoloft for two days before it caused get to be so sick that it was unbelievable, so I was taken off of it and put on Lexapro, which I've been taking since Thursday, with the exception of Saturday, when I missed my dose. I haven't noticed a change yet, but I know that I won't notice a change this soon, so I am trying to be patient. It makes me feel better to know that you understand. I try to avoid being alone, but that isn't always possible. Sometimes, I have to break away. It's really disheartening, because it usually happens when I'm alone, and I love going for walks in solitude down by the river.


Δαβίδ

i had to run away high so i wouldn't come home low.
♫♪
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Old February 23rd, 2009, 07:17 PM   #9
Zephyr
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Default Re: rfrgihjadfg;dsgh

It usually happens when I'm alone as well,
Usually when I do feel the need to be away and go for a walk or a drive.

Why not ask a friend to walk along with you it possible?
Even if you feel irritable and you need to be alone,
Sometimes it isn't so bad asking somebody to be there,
So long as it's somebody that you don't mind being there.

Good luck with your new medication,
It's always a pain in the arse waiting for them to kick in,
Drives you bonkers at times,
But well worth the wait if it's the right one = ]

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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