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Old January 2nd, 2006, 03:44 AM   #1
DarkChick88
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Join Date: December 18, 2005
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Default Losing it all...

Recently I have become really good friends with a girl that I have been sorta friends with since like august...well her and I got caught drinking together and we both got grounded and stuff. Well, now her friends are like blaming me for her mistakes and they are harassing me like no other...It's really making me feel horrible. I guess you could say i'm really sensitive... Well, I went to my mom and told her about the harassing and she just said that maybe they should have taken away my internet also for the drinking cuz they were gonna do that but they didn't...Well I went to her cuz I just wanted a little sympathy and stuff..but she just said that...and she also talked about consequences and stuff...well I'm starting to feel like nobody cares... I had a boyfriend a few days ago and he made me actually feel good about myself for once...but then he broke up with me and acted like we were never going out in the first place and I lost all self respect then...then all this harassing stuff happened and I am starting to think that I don't need to live anymore...I just don't feel like anyone cares...not even my own mother. I really just don't know what to do anymore...I'm just losing it and I really need help but I dunno what to do. I have a therapist that I go see and I take an antidepressant but I haven't taken it for the past two days and I don't wanna take it nemore cuz I don't want no stupid happy pill! I'm really sorry for wasting this post...I guess I just needed to rant...I just want to die... And I wish someone would just shoot me so I wouldn't have to do it myself...Is that too much to ask for? I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong place...I haven't posted much on these forums so I'm really sorry if it is in the wrong place or if I did something else wrong with this post...
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 11:21 AM   #2
dying lullaby
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ok, i am telling you this because i think it might help you. not, i repeat, NOT because i am trying to be mean to you or get you do do anything to harm yourself.

stop being so melodramatic.

that means overly dramatic...for exapmle saying that noone cares about you because you are being teased and your bf broke up with you.

being melodramatic and making your problems seem bigger than they are just makes things worse.

a loser guy and some dumbass girls shouldnot warrent killing yourself.

sorry babe, but life gets even harder and you have to learn from the not so pleasent, before everything else comes in at once. do you get what i'm saying? take this bad time as a learning experiance and grow from it...dont give up. the worse thing you could ever do is give up. trust me, i would know


sorry for the tough love thing here - its just hard to see ppl ruining their chances of something better

http://usera.imagecave.com/aoxfordca/dyinglull4.jpg
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^

She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
***
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something
~Bri
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 03:30 PM   #3
DarkChick88
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The reasons that I typed aren't the only reasons i'm feeling the way that I am...I have been feeling suicidal for a very long time...and the things that I typed are just making it seem more logical is all.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 03:42 PM   #4
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I know it's long but, read it.
  • If you are thinking about suicidel, read this first.
    "If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

    I don’t know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you’re reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

    I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won’t argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

    Well, you’re still reading, and that’s very good. I’d like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you’re at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let’s hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.



    Start by considering this statement:

    “Suicide is not chosen; it happens
    when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.”

    That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.


    Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

    When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

    You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

    Now I want to tell you five things to think about.


    1 You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

    2 Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours before I do anything.” Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn’t mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it’s just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

    3 People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

    4 Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

    But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what’s going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

    Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.
    Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999
    Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line
    Call a psychotherapist
    Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen

    But don’t give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

    5 Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.


    Well, it’s been a few minutes and you’re still with me. I’m really glad.

    Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let’s give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.


    Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won’t be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It’s time to start looking around for one of them.

    Now: I’d like you to call someone."

----
Okay, now, in my opinion, I believe you need to find something to live for, just until you feel strong enough to live for yourself. But find something that you can hold on, a family member, a pet, a goal. Anything that'll keep you fighting. Then when you feel like you cant take living any longer, think about whatever your living for, think that you cant let that person down or whatever. You can't fail them or lose the goal.

Just hold on, to something, and you'll make it through.



Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.
-Calvin & Hobbes.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 04:00 PM   #5
DarkChick88
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Thanks for that silence...I appreciate you putting that on here. I have delayed my "suicidal actions" because of my dog...but things are just not getting any better and if anything they're just getting worse...I just can't handle things for much longer... My only method of coping is cutting and that's not making things any better...if anything it's making things worse cuz I'm having to hide it and deal with the scars afterwards.

I guess I just want to get away...is all. But my parents don't understand that at all. They think they understand but they don't!

I just don't know what to do anymore...I'm at a loss of what to do...how to cope...etc etc.

Sry for posting this. i'm sure you don't need to hear it.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 06:40 PM   #6
dying lullaby
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(sorry for before, i was getting a bit fed up with things myself and i am feeling the same way as you in some aspects and it just frustrates me to see ppl hurting or wanting to hurt themselves when theres nothign i can do)

may i make one more, less mean/rude, suggestion?

talk to someone about it. tell your parents you need help.

before i get to my point i want to post this poem which might help.

Resume
Dorothy Parker

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

i actually went through with killing myself, twice...its not fun, espically when you end up living as many ppl can tell you. i drank a bottle of guficine and codine. i almost died. the second time i took a bottle of benedryl. i was even closer to dying. i was sent to the hospital and eventually after they fixed my insides i was send upstairs...to the dreaded adolecent psych unit.
it wasnt bad there, infact i wish i could go back...all the time. the nurses were all full of tough love and they really seemed to care about you but they didnt let you have a chance to fall into yourself with depression - you were always doign something...and you know arts and crafts time? well its actually really fun to act like a kid agian. all my worries went away in the hospital - i didnt have the stress of ppl finding out if i cut or the stress of my mom putting all the house work on me...i guess thing i am trying to get to here is that they dont let you leave the hospital w.o a plan on how your going to get better. (most stays are about a week) you have to have a therapist ready to see you as soon as you are out, and your rents have to know whats going on and they are told what to do by the DRs its not a guessing game anymore. the DRs really know how to help and thats what they're there for.

if you feel really bad just think about going to the hospital. it was the end of one life style for me and the begining of a life.

http://usera.imagecave.com/aoxfordca/dyinglull4.jpg
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^

She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
***
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something
~Bri
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 06:47 PM   #7
DarkChick88
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I would love to go to the hospital...but my parents and therapist don't think I really need to go there...They obviously don't understand how i'm feeling...Yeah I even mentioned hospital to my therapist...she just got me to talk to another lady... Oh well...I think I'm gonna call my case worker and talk to her a bit...Thanks dying lullaby...don't worry about the "tough love" post from earlier, i understand where you are coming from.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 06:52 PM   #8
dying lullaby
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good luck

http://usera.imagecave.com/aoxfordca/dyinglull4.jpg
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^

She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
***
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something
~Bri
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 07:24 PM   #9
DarkChick88
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*sigh* my case worker didn't answer her phone... I guess that's a sign that it's just useless... I tried calling her like 3 times and she still didn't pick up...and I think it's her cell phone. *sigh* oh well I guess.
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 08:02 PM   #10
dying lullaby
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stop tinking like that! she's probably just busy...call her again in a few hours and if she still doesnt answer dont get discouraged. call a help line...or call a hospital and tell them you wanna check yourself in and take a cab there or something...idk if you can check yourself in but if you can you should try it.

just get it through your rents heads that you need to go to the H for your own good...scare them into doing it if you must.

http://usera.imagecave.com/aoxfordca/dyinglull4.jpg
^ made by AtlantaWonder ^

She can\'t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
***
leave me be, while i rot and die, in the corner, under the blanket that you gave me when you lied and told me i ment something
~Bri
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:01 PM   #11
<-Dying_to_Live->
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkChick88
*sigh* my case worker didn't answer her phone... I guess that's a sign that it's just useless... I tried calling her like 3 times and she still didn't pick up...and I think it's her cell phone. *sigh* oh well I guess.
dude shes probably taken a fat dump or something. shes a human too, remember. just keep calling until she picks up
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Old January 2nd, 2006, 10:03 PM   #12
DarkChick88
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Thanks for the support guys...I really appreciate it. She called back, and I'm gonna talk to her tomorrow at 2:30. So maybe I'll open up to her and tell her how i'm feeling... Heh dying lullaby I spose I could show them my wrists..hehe... I guess I'll figure something out... Like I said before, I really appreciate u guys replying and supporting me... It alone makes me feel a little better.
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Old January 4th, 2006, 12:44 AM   #13
DarkChick88
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I tried to tell my mom a little bit ago that I feel like I need to go to a hospital and I've told her before that I'm losing hope...SHE DONT FUCKING CARE!!! I told her how my friend read a thing that I wrote and she thinks I need help...just as much if not more than I do...Well I told my mom that...and u know what she fucking said..." I think you should stop listening to people online and start giving Georgia(my therapist) and Christy(my case worker) a chance...I'm giving them a fucking chance!!!! Maybe it's time I scare how I'm feeling into her...at least she'll fucking get the message!

Sry for all the cussing...Not having a good time right now.
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