Jokes and Riddles

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, mate. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—-” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”

The rest is fucking history.

What's faster than a cheetah? A Jew with a coupon.

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.

A guy walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar says: Cheese Sandwich $2.50 Handjob $10.00

The guy thinks wtf? but then he sees the bartender, a smoking hot 9.7648962/10 HBB.

She asks him if she can help him with anything, so of course he has to ask "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She blushes a little and replies, "Why yes, I am actually"

He says "Well then wash your hands cuz I want a cheese sandwich!"

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help.
"Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000," his Dad said.
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes too".
So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."

an elephant walks up to a camel and asks," why do you have to boobs on your back?"

the camel said, "thats a strange question coming from someone with a d*ck on his face."

A man has a session with a psychologist.
After the session, the psychologist says to the man, "I'm sorry to telly you this, but you're crazy".
"I think you're a quack" the man responded, "I want a second opinion"
"Okay" said the psychologist, "You're ugly too".

A lady says to her friend, "my drivers license picture doesn't do me justice".
Her friend responds, "you don't need justice, you need mercy".

Via text
Son: I GOT AN A ON MY CHEMISTRY TEST!
Mum: WTF well done!!!
Son: Mum do you know what WTF means?
Mum: Well That's Fantastic!

wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol

If Any You Know Who JacksGap is Well Finn Said Alot Of People Talk About Seaworld When Their Making A Joke The His Brother Was Like What Is The Joke And Finn Said Umm. Your Mom Is So Fat She Has To Take A Bath At Seaworld.

Originally Posted by MusicalInV

wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol

No. MASSIVE FAIL!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

WELCOME TO
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He goes in and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. YOU SINNER!!

Credit- Jaxx from Chadzboyz.com.

lolll

What would happen if a homeless lumberjack banged an umpa-lumpa

one from my homestate of minnesota

so sven and olly where headed out onto a lake to go icefishing with thier buddies. there wasnt enough room in the cab of the pickup truck they where going to take out there so they had to sit in the bed. as they got onto the lake, the truck sank and their buddies jumped out and to safty. but sven and olly did not get out with them. after awhile the pair finally surfaced. their biddies asked them, 'why did it take you guys so long?" to which they respond "we couldnt get the tailgate down!"

4 of july
a man is watching his local fireworks and after the smoke clears he sees 4 moons so he rubs his eyes but there is still 4 moons he's perplexed then the people in front of him sit down and he finally figures out there is only one real moon

What books and people have in common?

Whenever they're open they're re[a]d.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool