Virtual Teen Forums
 

Go Back   Virtual Teen Forums > >
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read Chat Room

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old April 15th, 2013, 10:14 AM   #1701
Reanne
Member
 
Join Date: April 3, 2013
Location: Australia
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, mate. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Reanne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old April 24th, 2013, 08:15 PM   #1702
WickedWeekend
Nice Poster
 
WickedWeekend's Forum Picture
 
Name: Nick
Join Date: February 29, 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 2
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except—-” and he stopped.

“Except what?” the man asked.

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.”

“So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, “Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.”

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said “Voodoo Penis, return to box!”

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

“I’ll take it!” said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.”

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!”

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, “Yeah, right… Voodoo Penis, my ass.”

The rest is fucking history.

Previously Dovakhiin
WickedWeekend is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 16th, 2013, 08:41 PM   #1703
AlexBarrett
Junior Member+
 
AlexBarrett's Forum Picture
 
Name: Alex
Join Date: May 8, 2013
Location: Nashville, TN
Gender: Male
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What's faster than a cheetah? A Jew with a coupon.

15, Single, kinda wierd, and I love talking.

"Where there are few gathered in my name, there shall I be also."
AlexBarrett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21st, 2013, 03:49 AM   #1704
Josh Morgan
Banned
 
Name: Josh
Join Date: May 20, 2013
Location: Limbo
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
Josh Morgan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21st, 2013, 04:33 PM   #1705
BWLC
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 21, 2013
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A guy walks into a bar.

A sign above the bar says: Cheese Sandwich $2.50 Handjob $10.00

The guy thinks wtf? but then he sees the bartender, a smoking hot 9.7648962/10 HBB.

She asks him if she can help him with anything, so of course he has to ask "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She blushes a little and replies, "Why yes, I am actually"

He says "Well then wash your hands cuz I want a cheese sandwich!"
Likes: (1)
BWLC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21st, 2013, 04:34 PM   #1706
BWLC
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 21, 2013
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference between hypothetically and realistically. He asked his dad for help.
"Go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mailman for $1,000,000," his Dad said.
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes too".
So dad said, "Hypothetically we're millionaires, realistically we're living with two whores."
BWLC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 21st, 2013, 04:36 PM   #1707
BWLC
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 21, 2013
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

an elephant walks up to a camel and asks," why do you have to boobs on your back?"

the camel said, "thats a strange question coming from someone with a d*ck on his face."
Likes: (1)
BWLC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 22nd, 2013, 10:04 AM   #1708
Jake Morgan
Banned
 
Name: Jake
Join Date: May 20, 2013
Location: Chaos
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A man has a session with a psychologist.
After the session, the psychologist says to the man, "I'm sorry to telly you this, but you're crazy".
"I think you're a quack" the man responded, "I want a second opinion"
"Okay" said the psychologist, "You're ugly too".
Jake Morgan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 23rd, 2013, 11:59 PM   #1709
Josh Morgan
Banned
 
Name: Josh
Join Date: May 20, 2013
Location: Limbo
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A lady says to her friend, "my drivers license picture doesn't do me justice".
Her friend responds, "you don't need justice, you need mercy".
Josh Morgan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old May 28th, 2013, 04:48 AM   #1710
Sweet Smart Smexi
Member
 
Sweet Smart Smexi's Forum Picture
 
Name: Lola
Join Date: May 7, 2013
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 7
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Via text
Son: I GOT AN A ON MY CHEMISTRY TEST!
Mum: WTF well done!!!
Son: Mum do you know what WTF means?
Mum: Well That's Fantastic!

LOLA AKHURST! Sweet Smart Smexi! Today You are You, that is Truer than True. There is no one alive that is Youer than You ~Dr. Seuss. Family is like fudge.... mostly sweet with a lot of nuts! -Anonymous. Friends are the family you choose ~Anonymous. A persons a person, no matter how small ~Dr. Seuss. If you don't make mistakes, you're not trying. ~Anonymous
Sweet Smart Smexi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 2nd, 2013, 06:08 PM   #1711
Synyster Shadows
Banned
 
Name: Andrew
Join Date: January 22, 2013
Location: MA, USA
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 27
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol
Synyster Shadows is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 2nd, 2013, 06:16 PM   #1712
lyrical
Junior Member
 
lyrical's Forum Picture
 
Name: Kay
Join Date: June 1, 2013
Location: michigan
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

If Any You Know Who JacksGap is Well Finn Said Alot Of People Talk About Seaworld When Their Making A Joke The His Brother Was Like What Is The Joke And Finn Said Umm. Your Mom Is So Fat She Has To Take A Bath At Seaworld.
lyrical is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 3rd, 2013, 01:40 AM   #1713
Sweet Smart Smexi
Member
 
Sweet Smart Smexi's Forum Picture
 
Name: Lola
Join Date: May 7, 2013
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 7
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicalInV View Post
wow. Fail on the mom's part. lol
No. MASSIVE FAIL!

LOLA AKHURST! Sweet Smart Smexi! Today You are You, that is Truer than True. There is no one alive that is Youer than You ~Dr. Seuss. Family is like fudge.... mostly sweet with a lot of nuts! -Anonymous. Friends are the family you choose ~Anonymous. A persons a person, no matter how small ~Dr. Seuss. If you don't make mistakes, you're not trying. ~Anonymous
Sweet Smart Smexi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 6th, 2013, 01:12 PM   #1714
Twilly F. Sniper
Awesome Poster
 
Twilly F. Sniper's Forum Picture
 
Name: Rick "Twilight Sparkle" Mundy
Join Date: July 4, 2012
Location: Austrailia, in 1968 (Equestria).
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 23
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

WELCOME TO
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He goes in and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. YOU SINNER!!

Credit- Jaxx from Chadzboyz.com.


"Nothing personal mate, I'm just better."- Rick Mundy
"...My little ponies, you opened up my eyes!..."- Twilight Sparkle
My Little Forum: Everything is Magic.
I'd love it if my my mates visited MY forum...
Twilly F. Sniper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 7th, 2013, 04:09 AM   #1715
Sweet Smart Smexi
Member
 
Sweet Smart Smexi's Forum Picture
 
Name: Lola
Join Date: May 7, 2013
Location: New South Wales, Australia
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 7
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

lolll

LOLA AKHURST! Sweet Smart Smexi! Today You are You, that is Truer than True. There is no one alive that is Youer than You ~Dr. Seuss. Family is like fudge.... mostly sweet with a lot of nuts! -Anonymous. Friends are the family you choose ~Anonymous. A persons a person, no matter how small ~Dr. Seuss. If you don't make mistakes, you're not trying. ~Anonymous
Sweet Smart Smexi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old June 15th, 2013, 01:58 PM   #1716
KimuraWannabe116
Member+
 
KimuraWannabe116's Forum Picture
 
Name: Nicholas
Join Date: April 11, 2013
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 1
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What would happen if a homeless lumberjack banged an umpa-lumpa




17, USA, aspiring strongman competitor, metal head up to talk about whatever.

R.I.P Cousin Tim. 1985-2014.
KimuraWannabe116 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old July 16th, 2013, 02:13 AM   #1717
Vocabulous
Nice Poster
 
Vocabulous's Forum Picture
 
Join Date: June 12, 2013
Gender: Male
Blog Entries: 5
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

one from my homestate of minnesota

so sven and olly where headed out onto a lake to go icefishing with thier buddies. there wasnt enough room in the cab of the pickup truck they where going to take out there so they had to sit in the bed. as they got onto the lake, the truck sank and their buddies jumped out and to safty. but sven and olly did not get out with them. after awhile the pair finally surfaced. their biddies asked them, 'why did it take you guys so long?" to which they respond "we couldnt get the tailgate down!"
Vocabulous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 21st, 2013, 10:14 PM   #1718
radsniper
Member++
 
radsniper's Forum Picture
 
Join Date: August 16, 2013
Gender: Undisclosed
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

4 of july
a man is watching his local fireworks and after the smoke clears he sees 4 moons so he rubs his eyes but there is still 4 moons he's perplexed then the people in front of him sit down and he finally figures out there is only one real moon
radsniper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old August 25th, 2013, 12:35 PM   #1719
Mynick
Awesome Poster
 
Mynick's Forum Picture
 
Name: Eduardo
Join Date: July 9, 2012
Location: When i'm not in Gallifrey i'm in Portugal
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What books and people have in common?

Whenever they're open they're re[a]d.

We're all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?
Mynick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old September 1st, 2013, 04:41 PM   #1720
BookSmart
Member
 
BookSmart's Forum Picture
 
Name: Anna
Join Date: August 27, 2013
Location: U.S.A.
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls
BookSmart is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:28 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright©2000 - 2018
Search Engine Optimisation provided by DragonByte SEO (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2018 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2018, VirtualTeen.org