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Old October 23rd, 2017, 09:04 PM   #1
gherkin2pickle
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Name: Bre
Join Date: July 24, 2016
Location: Neverland
Gender: Female
Default Trouble with affection

My boyfriend and I have been dating since August (but we've known each other for many years), and so far nothing huge has gone down. I mean, we hug each other goodbye sometimes, but other than that we don't really display affection very much. We held hands once while waiting for the results of our marching competition (it was really intense and we were shaking from nervousness), but that's been it. He's recently started complimenting me more, and that's what this post is about.

Let's just say that I've got a few self image issues that have been going on for about 5 years. Thus, I don't take compliments very well. When they're casual comments from a friend/classmate/teacher, I just brush them off and don't pay it any mind. When somebody of emotional significance, like my boyfriend, tells me that I'm beautiful... I kinda go into a state of shock. A few hours ago he texted me and said I'm beautiful and I just stared blankly at the screen. After what he said had sunk in, I started getting really panicky. My heart rate quickened, as did my breathing, and I had to go sit in my room and collect myself for a few minutes. All the while, i was ruminating on how I would respond to him. I don't think I'm beautiful. Should I have told him that? I just said thanks and then we started talking about something else. I don't want to come off as cold or ungrateful to him, but I honestly don't know how to respond. What's wrong with me?

A similar thing happened between a close friend of mine two years ago. He started showing his affection for me, subtly at first. It grew and grew, until one day I couldn't take it anymore. I had dug myself into a hole deeper than I had ever been, a dark place that made me hate myself more and more. I didn't think it was my place to tell him no. I liked him too, but I was so scared of intimacy and someone regularly telling me positive things about myself that I drove him away. We haven't talked since then. We completely cut off ties with each other. I don't want the same thing to happen again. But, I feel those old pangs of panic and sheer terror at the thought of someone caring for me in that way coming back.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. No way is this their fault. I can't wreck this again. I really like this guy and I know he likes me too. What do I do?
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