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Old August 14th, 2010, 08:10 PM   #1
Nice Poster
BeautifulDisaster's Forum Picture
Join Date: January 9, 2010
Location: UK.
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Blog Entries: 4
Post It will never enough. *but this is very triggering to begin with*

when you cut down on xyz food, you're getting there.
when you restrict to xyz calories, you're getting there.
when the number starts to drop, you're getting there.
when you have xyz laxatives, you're getting there.
when you exercise for xyz, you're getting there.
when you go xyz days without food, you're getting there.

when you b/p a certain amount of times, you're getting there.
when your heart skips a beat, you're getting there.
when you see black dots, you're getting there.
when you're feeling weak & dizzy, you're getting there.
when you feel empty, you're getting there.
when you see the numbers drop more, you're getting there.

when you see bones, you're getting there.
when you see more bones, you're getting there.
when you can fit into xyz clothes, you're getting there.
when your hair is falling out, you're getting there.
when you're pale, you're getting there.
when you pass out, you're getting there.
when you're on a drip, you're getting there.
when your heart is below 60, you're getting there.
when you reach your never ending goal weight, you're getting there.
when you're on a feeding tube, you're getting there.
when you're admitted to hospital, you're getting there.
when your blood tests come back abnormal, you're getting there.
when your xyz is damaged, you're getting there.
when you're in your coffin, you're getting there.

you'll never be there.

you'll never reach any goal set by an ED, because it just keeps changing&changing&it's impossible to achieve it.

People try & the only thing they succeed at is more problems & in the end, death.

Not even in your grave will you have reached your goal.
If the undead could speak, you'd be saying "I look fat & disgusting & I'm a failure".

&yet so many of us still try desperately to "get there".
where is there?
thin, too thin, skeletal?
a certain amount of xyz?

No matter what, it'll never be enough.
You'll feel that minuet sense of accomplishment, of success, & that you can stop now...
But you never will.
You'll keep going & going until you end up dead.

Or... you'll realize you can't live like this, because this is no life, this is dying slowly&painfully.
You'll realize this is an illness, & a deadly one at that.
You'll realize it's the enemy, it's trying to hurt you & it lies to you, it's no friend, it isn't there for you, it isn't going to help you, it's going to kill you.

You'll gradually try to get better, & take pro-recovery steps forward, now those steps, those steps will be real & they'll be successful.
You'll feel happiness.
You'll feel freedom.

You'll be able to do things you that couldn't before.
You'll be able to walk in a skirt & not think "oh god everyone's watching me, i look so awful, i need to starve/purge/etc."
You'll be able to eat without thinking of the calories, the fat content, the carbs, & imagining it transforming into fat in your body.
You'll eat something & think "this is good for me, I'm feeding my body, it needs food, & I deserve this food."
You won't panic when you gain a few pounds, because everyone will gain sooner or later, it's part of life, but you won't freak out or crash on a cycle of fasting, b/ping, exercising, etc.
You'll be able to exercise MODERATELY, without taking it over the top, without thinking of how many calories you're burning & the fat you're getting rid of, but instead, thinking "this is good for my body, my muscles, my health, this is good for me & it makes me feel good."
You'll be able to chew your food & enjoy it, with zilch fear, panic, anxiety, anger, upset, etc.
You'll be able to have desserts & enjoy the taste of them, you won't feel hatred for them, or the content of it.
You'll be able to look in the mirror without thinking it may break at any moment, & say confidently "I'm beautiful on the inside, and on the outside."
So many other things you'll be able to do/say, so many...

You can get better.
You can recover.
You can say "I'm a recovered xyz."

Sometimes, we're so deep in our ED that we cannot see any light of possibility for recovery.
But, that's the ED clouding your way.
Anyone with an ED can recover.
People who have been on their deathbeds have recovered, if they can, you can do it too.

The question you have to ask yourself is,
Do you want to die, or do you want to live?

If you want to die, is it because you're not happy with the way your life is?
Most likely it is, & if that is why, then that can be changed, your life can get better.
Never give up hope.

If you want to live, you need to try & get some help.
Even if just support for now.

Choosing to recover is a very major, & a very difficult, step to take.
But once you start to accept that you have an ED, accept that you can get better, accept the help offered to you(or seek help & accept it), accept that you can be free from this & you can live again, & accept that you deserve to, then you can start taking more steps & start recovering.

Recovering takes a lot of patience, strength & courage, all of which I believe every single one of you have.

If you slip up along the way, that's okay, it's a slip up, we all slip up, but you can get back up again & be stronger for it.

No doubt the journey is an incredibly difficult one, but it is not impossible.

You need to find out why you first developed these problems, what was going on, you need to work through them, because as we all know, an ED is a mental health illness, it's a mental/emotional problem, not a physical one, those are just the symptoms of it, it goes much deeper than that, much deeper.
It may be difficult for you to work through the problems in the past&in the present, but in the long run, it will help you & it will help you recover & get better.

I think in recovery, you also have to do it for yourself.
But, if recovering for others gives you drive rather than for yourself, then still try, but you do need to try for you too.

I don't know if it's an illness that will always be with you, because it's a very complex illness & it's different for everyone, some may have it mildly, some may have it severely, some may have had it for longer than others, this doesn't make it any less important though, every single person with eating problems deserves to be treated & supported properly, but I do know that you can get better from it & you can be in control instead of it controlling you.
You can live & be happy.
You can be free.

Love to you all.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.
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