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Old August 13th, 2018, 08:26 AM   #1
Katie2003
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Location: very small town in rural area
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Default Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

OK, I know that's a huge difference for two people our ages but please let me explain. And I'll start out by saying she's the one who approached me for a date.

My best relationships have been with girls who are 3 or 4 years older than me. I'm currently dating a girl who just turned 19 and is leaving for college. I would be OK having an exclusive relationship with her, but she says because of the difference in our ages and the fact she'll be away at college most of the time, it's not fair to me for her to expect an exclusive relationship with her. She def wants to continue our relationship, but it's to be open ended so that I can date others, she says she probably won't but not to let that affect my choices.

So yesterday after church during fellowship in the social hall, Kathy, a girl I've known for years, along with her mom, approached me wanting to talk. Her 12th birthday is Friday and she doesn't want her mom to throw a party. Instead, she wants to take me on a date to a nice restaurant for dinner (over in the next town, her mom would drive us) then wants me to sleep over with her and on Saturday her mom will drive us to the city to the big shopping mall to get her school clothes. She says it would be lots of fun trying on clothes together, walking through the mall holding hands, and sharing her special day. She's quite clear on what she wants and she's also quite mature for her age.

In fact, she's been part of the teen group at church for 2 years now, they usually don't invite younger kids to come until they are 12 or so. Kathy is a big girl for her age, at 5'10" and on the heavy side she looks a lot older and people who don't know her think she's college age or more.

So my question is what do you guys think? I am always the more submissive partner in my relationships, and she knows that about me and when I asked her, she says she can handle that and would like the chance to prove it to me. Her mom says she can't date boys yet but she would be OK with us dating, and Kathy wants her first date to be with me because she says she's been attracted to me for a few years now. I think that's a nice compliment but honestly I never looked at her before as someone I would date because of the age difference.

IDK, I don't want either of us to get hurt.........but I do kinda like her, at least she's always been fun to talk to and participate in activities at the teen group with. My mom says it's totally up to me but she thinks Kathy acts very mature for her age and my mom wouldn't have any problems with us dating occasionally.

Do I go for it, or is this bound to end badly? I think it's not going to be easy for me to get past that age difference, even though she looks and acts older than her real age. But if she can take charge on our dates and let romance happen if it's supposed to be, then I'd be more than willing to give her that chance and go out a few times to see how compatible we actually are.

Last edited by Katie2003; August 13th, 2018 at 08:30 AM.
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Old August 13th, 2018, 09:09 AM   #2
plasmaspirit
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

So is this part 2 of the thread I answered 2 months ago?

Mostly because if you look at my post history, I mentioned I am quite open to huge age gaps like 5 years or so (I am usually the younger party. I'm inclined to encourage you to go for relationships with huge age gaps. However, unlike you I am always the dominating party when it comes to the terms of the relationships. When it comes to sexual activities its usually up for grabs.

However, as somebody who kinda sees you around in posts, I think the main problem with your outlook is that you are very much focused on the now. I honestly thought that when you went into the relationship with the older girl with the mom problems (you and her mom), you kinda thought that a long distance relationship with her would be difficult for both parties. Hence, both of you already considering options that would make you commit to the detriment of her mom (who didn't approve at that time).

I'm not judging you or anything. But given with whats happening in your current relationship, would it be feasible for you to have a 3 year age gap if you yourself moves for college? I mean I get why you phrased your descriptions as such, but the problem with that is, it focused on all her traits as a person now without possibly leaving allowances or room for growth on her end.

What would be a good example of allowing room for growth? Sexual development. Let's not beat around the bush here sex plays an important role in a relationship and simply being physically resembling a person of older age is not equal sexual maturity.Have you ever considered how would she feel down the road about sex? 12 is kinda a young age for these types of tings, hence why I really don't recommend going for a long term relationship at 12. But if you do want to um mentor her maybe thats another type of relationship you should consider.

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Old August 13th, 2018, 09:21 AM   #3
Katie2003
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know it's a tough call and I doubt that any relationship at my age can be a permanent one. I managed to get on the good side of Brianna's mom pretty quickly and she became very supportive of our relationship, which isn't over by any means, but it has to change since she's going to be away so much of the time. I would have been perfectly OK with a commitment to an exclusive relationship with Brianna but she thinks that is good for her, but bad for me. And the sex with her is totally awesome.

I understand that Kathy is likely not at the level of maturity I am, but from talking to her, that doesn't come across as being obvious. It's entirely possible that she is more stable emotionally than I am, which would be good for me. I freely admit that I have serious emotional issues and see a therapist weekly for them, and have been on meds for a few years already for them. Brianna on the other hand is way more emotionally troubled than me, and on her best days she's on pretty shaky ground. However, we do OK together. The current problem is that there are real concerns whether she can survive away from her mom, hundreds of miles away at college, or if she'll have an emotional meltdown.

I don't think that me and Kathy are looking at a serious long term relationship, rather more like becoming good friends who casually date once in a while. And believe me I understand the sticking points about sex, which would need to be worked out if it gets to that point. I'm fine with a little romance being thrown into the mix, or with helping her learn about things she's no doubt curious about, such as what it's actually like to be out on a date with someone.

I'm leaning toward accepting her invitation for the date and activities together this weekend, and using that time together to decide if this can possibly work out to be a good thing for both of us. And I was kinda getting that message about mentoring from Kathy's mom after church the other day. That wasn't exactly what she said but even my mom told me afterward that it sounds like she wants Kathy to have someone to be able to talk to about dating and to safely explore a different level of interaction than just being friends hanging out. I'm OK with being a mentor, as long as I can feel that Kathy, or her mom, are firmly in charge.

Last edited by Katie2003; August 13th, 2018 at 09:26 AM.
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Old August 13th, 2018, 11:09 AM   #4
ShineintheDark
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

The common issue with age gaps like that, as mentioned above, tends top be maturity in a wide range of contexts. The most obvious one is physical maturity since the age difference between 12 and 15 is often a time of huge physical change that sometimes causes issues with relationships. However, you've mentioned that you're pretty sure that's not an issue and I'll leave that to your judgement.

The next major issue is, as mentioned above, sexual maturity. And that goes beyond the physical. To have a fully rounded, mature relationship some level of sexuality comes into it. Even if you don't wanna have sex for a few years, where do you guys wanna draw the line? Simple pecks? Frenching? Physical affection isn't split into clear boxes, it often very easily and naturally progresses and ramps up and that's an issue that you will face. For example, my best friend of coming up to 5 years began dating a 16 year old guy when she was 13 (so similar to your situation). Everything was fine, the families accepted it and everything, but eventually they did begin having issues in the sexual department because soon enough all his friends were entering a sexual phase in their relationships where they were all beginning to become physical and that made him, consciously or not, start to guilt my friend into giving him what everyone else was getting. In that sense, it's not just what YOU will want her to do but what SHE will feel you deserve due to everyone around you.
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Old August 13th, 2018, 11:21 AM   #5
Katie2003
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShineintheDark View Post
The common issue with age gaps like that, as mentioned above, tends top be maturity in a wide range of contexts. The most obvious one is physical maturity since the age difference between 12 and 15 is often a time of huge physical change that sometimes causes issues with relationships. However, you've mentioned that you're pretty sure that's not an issue and I'll leave that to your judgement.

The next major issue is, as mentioned above, sexual maturity. And that goes beyond the physical. To have a fully rounded, mature relationship some level of sexuality comes into it. Even if you don't wanna have sex for a few years, where do you guys wanna draw the line? Simple pecks? Frenching? Physical affection isn't split into clear boxes, it often very easily and naturally progresses and ramps up and that's an issue that you will face. For example, my best friend of coming up to 5 years began dating a 16 year old guy when she was 13 (so similar to your situation). Everything was fine, the families accepted it and everything, but eventually they did begin having issues in the sexual department because soon enough all his friends were entering a sexual phase in their relationships where they were all beginning to become physical and that made him, consciously or not, start to guilt my friend into giving him what everyone else was getting. In that sense, it's not just what YOU will want her to do but what SHE will feel you deserve due to everyone around you.
Thank you for your well thought out response. I def need to do a lot of thinking about all of the possible differences due to our ages, and since I've been in the position of being the younger girl in the relationship already, I have some ideas what that's got to be like for her. Honestly I think it took a huge amount of courage for Kathy to even approach me to ask for a date.

Your last sentence is quite significant and perhaps sums up all of my other concerns, since that could easily be the biggest one. I have always been sexually active with every girl I have ever dated, which was by mutual agreement between us even though once I state I'm OK with it, I prefer to be submissive to their needs and wants about sex. TBH I have always had sex on the first date with all the other girls I have dated because I felt it was a good ice breaker and would show us quickly if we were compatible or not, and it would make clear to them that I was the submissive partner in the couple by letting them have sex with me.

I def wouldn't want Kathy to ever feel she had to have sex with me because I deserved it due to what others my age are doing. If we did it I'd want it to be because she wanted to have that experience with me and I'd need it to be very clear that she was totally in control of that and I wasn't pushing her and that she didn't need to ever go there unless she wanted to. Having said that to her and discussed it first, I'd be totally open to letting her do whatever she wanted with me. I'm clearly NOT suggesting in any way that would take place on our first date.
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Old August 13th, 2018, 11:40 AM   #6
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

to answer your question directly, yes I think its possible for a 15 yo and 12 yo to date successfully. I was 12 and my first bf was 15 and we dated for almost 2 years. I was/am a but mature for my age, so I was able to meet him on his level. That might be something you want to consider before committing.

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Old August 15th, 2018, 06:50 AM   #7
Emilyyy
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

I guess you know the situation better than anyone else but just remember that 12 is very young even if you say she's mature for her age. I don't think there's any harm in having a few innocent dates and see how you get on. I would however caution against going too far in too quick, she's got a lot of growing up to do.

If it helps my sister was 15 when she first started dating her 21 year old boyfriend. She's now 19 and engaged to him. It does work!

I'm 15 and live near Glasgow, Scotland. I consider myself to be a girly girl and always up for a laugh.
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Old August 15th, 2018, 08:01 AM   #8
Katie2003
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

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Originally Posted by Emilyyy View Post
I guess you know the situation better than anyone else but just remember that 12 is very young even if you say she's mature for her age. I don't think there's any harm in having a few innocent dates and see how you get on. I would however caution against going too far in too quick, she's got a lot of growing up to do.

If it helps my sister was 15 when she first started dating her 21 year old boyfriend. She's now 19 and engaged to him. It does work!
Thank you Emily. I totally agree that 12 is very young. I started dating other girls at around age 13 but the first few were my age and that worked fine. I have decided to accept her offer for a date, I'll be seeing her this evening at the church teen group meeting and will tell her then. I don't expect it to take long to learn what her maturity level really is as we spend time alone together.

I know we all want to think we are more mature than we really are, and that we can do things older kids are allowed to do, I was def like that at 11-12 and still am today. Kathy may be perfectly capable of forming a relationship with me. But if she learns that she isn't able to handle me because of my emotional issues and OCD, or the situation in general doesn't work out, then it's a positive learning experience for both of us.
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Old August 20th, 2018, 08:08 AM   #9
Katie2003
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

I wanted to update this after going on a very nice date with Kathy on her birthday, then sleeping over afterward, and the next day her mom drove us to the city so we could spend the day at the mall. Everything worked out well and we like each other enough to want to hang out together and go on more dates in the future.

I can clearly tell that Kathy is 12 in a few relatively minor aspects of her behavior but overall she is making good solid effort to act appropriately and was kind and respectful to me the whole time. Anyone would be a bit nervous on their first date, but the most important thing was that she made me feel wanted and I'll fall for that every time! Her mom drove us and part of the day she shopped with us, but she also let us shop alone for a few hours. I give this first date an 8 out of 10.

I'm also totally open to mentoring Kathy on dating or anything else concerning relationships. Being totally new to this she doesn't have anything to go on other than what her mom might have advised her, or something she's seen on TV or in a movie or read in a book.

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Old August 22nd, 2018, 03:15 AM   #10
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

I think that's cool! ��
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Old October 7th, 2018, 01:16 PM   #11
Katie2003
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Default Re: Can a 15 year old successfully date a 12 year old?

I just wanted to update that we are still dating, still hang out together at the church teen group activities, and everything is going nicely. She has proven to be able to handle herself very well at the emotional level. She has also proven to me that she's able to take the lead in our relationship, which is something I was concerned about. Both of us are happy that we started dating.
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