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Old December 26th, 2009, 08:01 AM   #1201
Charleigh
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What do you give youre grandad to stop him pissing on his slippers?
VIAGRA

FREEZE mother fucker..
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Old December 26th, 2009, 10:59 PM   #1202
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What has been on more red carpets than Joan Rivers?

An Irish lesbian.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
I'm about to assassinate Gandhi.
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Old December 26th, 2009, 11:24 PM   #1203
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brighter.Tomorrow View Post
Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
No feelings left
This species has
Amused itself to death
Last.FM
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Old January 6th, 2010, 11:57 AM   #1204
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A sausage walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich.

The barman says - 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
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Old January 6th, 2010, 08:01 PM   #1205
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Quote:
Originally Posted by P1nkRabb1t View Post
What has been on more red carpets than Joan Rivers?

An Irish lesbian.
lmfao
that took awhile to figure out but NICE ONE.

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VT turned me lesbo acid wankers wtf.
~Laura Was Here~
Retired Gmod
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Old January 6th, 2010, 08:27 PM   #1206
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A blond a brunette and a red hed are being chased by the police.
They come to this orchard and decide to hide in the trees.
The brunette in the first the red head in the second and the blond in the third.

The police go to the first tree "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the brunette says tweet tweet. Thinkn its a bird they move on.

At the second tree they again yell. "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the red head says meow. thinkn its a cat they move on.

At the last tree they say "Come down, come down we know your up there"
and the blond says "MOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche


I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. ~ Stephen F. Roberts
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Old January 7th, 2010, 01:37 AM   #1207
Gumleaf
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

a guy walked into a bar. you would think he would have seen it.

stephen

Always Hawthorn

Hawthorn Football Club

Strong As One

~Laura was here~
~Jessi should have been here~
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Old January 7th, 2010, 02:01 AM   #1208
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A Jew, a Mexican, and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender says to them "get the fuck out."
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Old January 7th, 2010, 03:42 AM   #1209
Alfred Pennyworth
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

An Asian, a Mexican, and an American are going on a trip in a hot air balloon. A while into their trip, their balloon starts losing altitude. Nothing they try works, so they decide that they need to lighten their load. The Asian man says, "Well, we have to much rice in asia", so he throws out a bag of rice he had brought along for food. They slow down sinking a bit, but they still need to get rid of more weight. The mexican says "Well, we have too many burritos in Mexico" so he throws out a box of burritos that he had brought. They slow down a bit more, but they still need to lose more weight, so the American says "Well we have too many Mexicans in America.", so he throws out the Mexican and the balloon starts rising again.

Advise isn't my specialty... would a sarcastic, quite possibly sadistic, comment do the job?

I am a convicted(and escaped) chat killer, and was formerly The Forgotten.
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Old January 7th, 2010, 09:15 PM   #1210
Rebecca L Vaughn
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Very sad lol

"Real peace is not just the absence of conflict; it's the presents of justice."


And no I am not going to trade pictures so don't ask!

Message me; I'm always here
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Old January 7th, 2010, 10:27 PM   #1211
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

One day a white guy, a mexican guy, and a black guy are in a garden.
farmer bob comes out with his 12 guage and says "Alright you damned thiefs, im gonna blow your heads off"
the men plead and beg, finally farmer bob says "ok shut yer trap, i gots a task for you, go through my garden and pick one of your favorite foods, then come back to me"
the men go off and find the foods
farmer bob says "drop yer drawers" (underwear)
so hesitantly the men do as told, farmer bob then announces "heres what you have to do, you must take one of the food thats you grabbed and stick it up your butt without any facial expressions or noise"

he stand in front of the white guy and says "yer up"
the white guy reveals the grapes he picked, takes one and inserts it
the farmer walks up to the mexican and says "yer up"
the mexican is fixing to put the lime in, then he starts to giggle
the farmer says "thats it, ima blowin your damned head off, but before i do, would you a mind explainin what in the hell was so damned funny"

the mexican says "well senior, i was concentrating, but then i noticed the black guy, and started giggling because he picked a watermelon"
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Old January 9th, 2010, 04:23 AM   #1212
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What's the hardest part of rollerblading?

Telling your father you're gay.
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Old January 9th, 2010, 07:45 PM   #1213
The Joker
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Oh Tim, you make me chuckle.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
I'm about to assassinate Gandhi.
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Old January 18th, 2010, 07:08 PM   #1214
Sugaree
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

They both have a one in a million chance of becoming human.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brighter.Tomorrow View Post
Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
No feelings left
This species has
Amused itself to death
Last.FM
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Old January 20th, 2010, 12:52 AM   #1215
martin2008
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Why are married women heavier than single women?

single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

there is light at the end of tunnel, u can't see it but its there. and when u r through, light is closer.
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Old January 23rd, 2010, 01:46 AM   #1216
Alfred Pennyworth
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Advise isn't my specialty... would a sarcastic, quite possibly sadistic, comment do the job?

I am a convicted(and escaped) chat killer, and was formerly The Forgotten.
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Old January 23rd, 2010, 07:36 PM   #1217
Doctor Fate
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got hit by a car.

Hehe.
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Old January 27th, 2010, 09:15 PM   #1218
Giles
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doctor Fate View Post
Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got hit by a car.

Hehe.
That's a 'version' I've never actually heard before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorWhat
Age is just a number. Yeah? Prison is just a room.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoNotStandUp View Post
call me harsh but you have to be a mega-attention seeker if you feel the need to announce that you're leaving.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon
i'm too busy licking my own arse to bother with ears
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So one time when i was watching her house
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Old January 30th, 2010, 02:46 AM   #1219
Alfred Pennyworth
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Q: Why did the chicken run across the road?
A: There was a car coming.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
A: She wanted to lay it on the line.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
A: She was afraid someone would caesar!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could actually be done!

Advise isn't my specialty... would a sarcastic, quite possibly sadistic, comment do the job?

I am a convicted(and escaped) chat killer, and was formerly The Forgotten.
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Old February 2nd, 2010, 05:00 AM   #1220
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says
'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So
many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and
there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a
Brazilian?'

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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