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Old October 28th, 2018, 01:16 PM   #1
New Member
Name: September
Join Date: June 10, 2016
Location: The United States
Gender: Female
Default I don't know what to do.

(Please note, I am not suicidal. I know a little better than to do that.)

My family is falling apart.

My dad started drinking heavily when his shifts at his old job became more intense. He kept claiming that if he didn't drink, he couldn't sleep. I highly suspect he developed Shift Work Sleep Disorder (SWSD), but nothing's certain. His parents were heavy drinkers, as is his brother (my uncle). He quickly became addicted, and gradually got worse.

The creepy thing, tough, is that he didn't become the classic drunk who lies on a couch. He continued to work and function normally, but he was getting more and more emotionally absent. Nothing helped because he didn't think he had anything wrong with him. Not even a stay in the psyche ward (he had lost his job due to being found asleep and said he would kill himself in front of us while he was heavily drunk. A police search found he had a hidden rifle. My mom made us lie about not knowing it was there.) made him stop drinking.

Then, my mom started going to Sarah's Inn. Apparently, his yelling at her and belittling had qualified him as a textbook example of domestic abuse, with the types he was displaying: Verbal, Emotional, and Financial. I knew the family was falling apart, but I desperately wanted my parents to stay together, even if it wasn't a normal family situation, and even if they wouldn't be happy.

My dad was served with divorce papers earlier this month, and he wasn't happy. He kept claiming he would get sole custody of me, and that my mom would be labeled the bad guy. I wound up leaving the house I grew up in for 16 years, the only house I considered home, on the 12th. I live in an apartment now. Because he was considered an abuser, I can't tell my dad where I live. I haven't seen him since that day.

Now, the problem with the idea of NEW abuse is coming up.

The apartment I live in now is okay, but it's not my home. I can't classify it as one: my German Shepherd stayed behind with my dad, and I miss seeing him come home from work with stories to tell. There's barely any furniture, save for what my mom wants. I don't have a bed, but my mom selfishly bought one for herself, saying that SHE'S the worker. That is exactly what my dad used to say.

Then, she keeps saying that if I butt in on her business, she'll kick me out to live with my dad (who, as I said before, is a classic abuser, does not take care of me well, and often endangers himself or others, and is drunk a lot). My dad said the same thing, only that if I couldn't prove my value to stay with him, he'd send me to live with mom.

I highly suspect my mom is getting too romantic with one of her friends, and even believe she's secretly dating him. The last time I tried to tell my dad, my mom found out and threatened to make my life a living hell: she would remove me from school, kick me out to live with my dad, take my phone, computer, and everything I owned. I found this horrifying to hear, not because of how callous she was being, but because of the fact that she was technically DATING someone BEFORE she actually had her marriage ended. If I can recall correctly, that is adultery, and that can complicate her divorce case. But, she wasn't giving me any other options.

Do you know how much it hurts, to lie to your own father, because your mother is being impossible?

I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was only hurting my dad more. For the first time in three years, I cut myself. I couldn't stop crying if I didn't. Seven times, like a cat scratch, across my wrist with a kitchen knife. When I forced my mother to look, she looked disgusted and said that was MY fault for not having appropriate coping mechanisms.

My mom now forces me to do minor things she could do herself, such as getting a cookie tray from the pantry or fix her coffee. If I don't, she says she'll send me to dad. I can't stand that my mom is trying to find a new "man", who she claims will love her and treat her right. That was what dad did before he started drinking, but I can't handle seeing her with another man other than my dad. It hurts. And if I voice my concerns? Well, it's the same thing--it's not my business, and that if I hate it that much, she'll send me to live with dad.

Now, I witnessed a classmate with schizophrenia have a psychotic break. I fear him now. I can't be one food ear him without having an anxiety attack or the fight/flight response. I'm battling sexual frustration. I'm having a horrible acne breakout, and I'm losing hope of ever having a true family again.

Therapy doesn't help me. My medications for obsessions and anxiety stopped working. No one feels sympathy for me about the classmate situation.

I don't feel happiness anymore.
I put on a mask everyday.
I want help, but I just don't know how to make it work.
I don't want my mom to be happy, because then I'll be unhappy.
I've never felt so horrible in all my life, and I just want to feel normal again.
I'd do anything to get my family back. I WANT my family back.
I... I just want all of this nonsense to stop.
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Old November 5th, 2018, 03:13 AM   #2
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Thedukeoftrumpet's Forum Picture
Join Date: December 11, 2016
Location: California
Gender: Male
Default Re: I don't know what to do.

I think this situation has gone beyond fixing. It seems really bad and I don't think things can ever go back to the way they were. Since it seems like both of your parents are abusive to you in one way or another, I think the only logical thing to do is to get away from them. I think you should call Child Protective Services or some kind of abuse hotline. I'm really sorry that this is happening to you but things won't go back to normal.
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Old November 7th, 2018, 11:10 PM   #3
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ska8er's Forum Picture
Name: Andy
Join Date: August 23, 2013
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Default Re: I don't know what to do.

You don't say how old u r. If ur 18 or over
then u can go on ur own. Staying there is
not going to get better and I would say that
all of u have to c someone who can decipher
all the scenes u just wrote. Im sure u wont b
able to get anyone to go along with that. Id
look for a job and find a nice place with a
different scene and u will start feeling better.
If u r under 18 then talk to someone at school
or another relative that u can trust. I don't c
how anything can get fixed cause I think it is
way out of hand and I can tell it is taking a toll
on ur mental and physical health.
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