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Old January 21st, 2017, 04:15 PM   #1
bougainvillea
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Name: shanie
Join Date: December 3, 2015
Age: 17
Gender: Female
Default fragility

Right now, there's nothing I'd rather do than die.

If I see a tablet, I get the overwhelming urge to overdose. If I see anything remotely sharp, my first impulse is to hurt myself. I keep replaying scenarios in my head how people would find me dead, and I keep having a recurrent theme of death and hurting going on in my thoughts. For the last couple of days I've repeatedly written suicide notes subconsciously, both in my head and physically on paper. I don't want these thoughts, not one bit. When I go to someone as if I'm about to ask them for help, that I'm in danger, there'll be a voice in my head saying that it's better to keep it a secret. That I'll be hated and my family or close friends will be physically hurt if I tell anyone I know about how I feel. I don't even know how to describe it to anyone in the first place. I just feel like I'm turning to a psychotic freak.

I constantly have to listen to music to drown out the thoughts and stuff but it's physically draining. I usually find myself listening to the same songs over and over but I don't even physically take the music in, it's just there to counteract my thoughts. When I want to be happy, I'll just feel numb as if there's no such thing such as 'happiness'.

I really don't want this... it scares me so much.

bougainvillea - help and advice moderator


~Endeavour was here~
*Mars was here*
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