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Old July 2nd, 2008, 12:27 PM   #721
DaretoFallup
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

rofl, i love the blonde jokes

"Is that a bra on the floor?" "No, It's a pie."
"Anytime you need someone. Somebody strong to lean on. Well you can count on me.To hold you till the healing is done. And every time you fall apart. Well you can hide here in my arms. And you can count on me. To hold you till that feeling is gone"
--->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1FQac3CqdQ <---
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 12:31 PM   #722
kitkat92
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I have more...

Eye Exam
The blonde sits down before the eye doctor explaining she's losing her sight. He sets up the eye chart, but she tells him she can't even see it.
"Well, he asks, "can you count the number of diplomas on the wall?"
"No," she responds, "too blurry."
So he unzips his fly and pulls out his pecker and asks, "can you see this?"
"Yes," she replies, "that's your penis!"
"I knew it," says the Doc, "you're cockeyed!"

51 Days
Five blonde women enter a bar and order a bottle of champagne and ten glasses from the bartender. They go and occupy a table, set a small framed picture in the middle, and start "high fiving" and dancing around the table chanting, "51 days! 51 days!".
A few minutes later, five more blondes enter the bar and join the others at the table. There is much laughing and merriment, alternating with the ritual chanting of "51 days! 51 days!".
Finally, the bartender can no longer control his curiosity and he strolls over to the table to see what is going on.
In the center is a picture of Cookie Monster in a frame. When the bartender asks what the celebration is all about, one of the women says, "We were all tired of the blonde jokes about how dumb we are, so we got together and put this puzzle together. On the package it said '2 to 4 years', but we all worked together and put the puzzle together in 51 days!"

Dodging Trees
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Open Blouse
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"


Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
____
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
____
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
___
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
__
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
___
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
__
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
___
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
___
BLONDE Q&A.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
___________
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the trigger and toss it back.
A blond, brunette, and and Asian girl were on a game show called Stair Way to Heaven. The girl to get to the top without laughing from one the game show host jokes won 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars. There were 99 steps to the top. The game begun. After 10 steps, the brunette laughed. Then after another 20 steps, the Asian girl laughed.
Finally, The blond girl was at the 99th stair. The game show host was very impressed. " Only one stair left, are you excited?" The blond girl didn't answer. He started to tell the last joke when she started to laugh. The game show host asked, " Why did you laugh on the very last step?" She replied, " I finally understood the 1st joke."

A blonde comes into a bar and sits next to a red-head. They're watching the 10:00 news about a guy about to jump off of a building. The red-head says "I bet you 30 dollars that he jumps off the building." The blonde says "I'll take that bet." A few mintutes later the guy jumps off the building. The blonde hands over the money. The red head says "I have to be honest. I watched the
6:00 news and I knew that he was going to jump off the building.
The blonde says "Oh! I saw that too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again!"

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 01:33 PM   #723
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Bill Clintion is dying and he tells his wife look for the oldest dampest and look like it ben jumped on bed and look under so she does and finds a box she opens it and sees 1.5 billion dollers and three cans she goes back and says what with the cans and he says thats how many times i cheated on you than she says thats not bad she leaves then comes back and says whats with the money and he says thats the cans i cashed in when he box got full

"When Life gives you lemons make grape juice then sit down and let the world wonder how you did it" [/FONT][/SIZE][/CENTER]
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I'm a pretty girl...
Have any questions come ask me
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:04 PM   #724
Underground_Network
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WARNING, THESE MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME

DEAD BABY JOKES

What's worse than 12 babies nailed to one tree?
One baby nailed to 12 trees.

What happens when you stab a baby in the eye?
I don't know about you, but I get an erection.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender!

How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face!

^^ I admit some of these require a sick sense of humor, but still, most of them are pretty funny. I don't like some of them, but some are really funny. There are a lot more than this, though some are really offensive, and a lot of them aren't even that funny in my opinion.

~Adam~
I'm way too high (too high too high)
To be feeling this dry and low
I'm way too tired, I've tried
I'm fired up and ready to roll
Lets go
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:11 PM   #725
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I think I'm gonna be sick...
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:12 PM   #726
kitkat92
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Lol I must have a sick sense of humour =/

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:14 PM   #727
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serenity View Post
I think I'm gonna be sick...
I honestly almost upchucked when I read those.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brighter.Tomorrow View Post
Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
No feelings left
This species has
Amused itself to death
Last.FM
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:15 PM   #728
Underground_Network
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^^ I said it requires a sick sense of humor, and those aren't even what I'd consider to be bad. The worse jokes are so terrible that I wouldn't even put them on here. The first time I heard most of those jokes I nearly threw up too, but after awhile, for some reason, they seem to get funnier and funnier. I think I'm just deranged.

Btw, Katie, I liked those blonde jokes.

~Adam~
I'm way too high (too high too high)
To be feeling this dry and low
I'm way too tired, I've tried
I'm fired up and ready to roll
Lets go
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Old July 2nd, 2008, 07:16 PM   #729
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Originally Posted by Underground_Network View Post
I think I'm just deranged.
Yh I think I am 2 =/.... Lol I know loads more blonde jokes

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 02:08 AM   #730
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ok, got this in an sms today:


a 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. he turns up at the hospital 2 days later with an empty jar. the nurse asks "why is there no sample?". the man replies "i'm sorry, but i tried with my right hand, then my left hand. then my wife tried with both hands. then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out! then we got ethel from next door to try. but it was no good, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar."


i have to say that opening the jar wasn't was what i was thinking when i was reading that lol!

stephen

Always Hawthorn

Hawthorn Football Club

Strong As One

~Laura was here~
~Jessi should have been here~
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 02:24 AM   #731
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Kitkat those are some funny jokes xD and nice one stephen.


"I ain't such a saint that I can promise to risk my life for strangers. Neither am I scum enough to sit quietly by while people are getting hurt before my eyes." Ichigo
"I'm depressed...might as well make a snow angel."
THE DOG - Mathew
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 02:30 AM   #732
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fourseasons View Post
ok, got this in an sms today:


a 95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital. he turns up at the hospital 2 days later with an empty jar. the nurse asks "why is there no sample?". the man replies "i'm sorry, but i tried with my right hand, then my left hand. then my wife tried with both hands. then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with them out! then we got ethel from next door to try. but it was no good, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar."


i have to say that opening the jar wasn't was what i was thinking when i was reading that lol!
lol, yeah, same.


And Katie, those blonde jokes are great!
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 03:57 AM   #733
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This is by far my favorite joke...

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky.
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly.

✯ Alis Volat Propriis ✯
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 04:08 AM   #734
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Awsome one steph its funny.


"I ain't such a saint that I can promise to risk my life for strangers. Neither am I scum enough to sit quietly by while people are getting hurt before my eyes." Ichigo
"I'm depressed...might as well make a snow angel."
THE DOG - Mathew
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 04:17 AM   #735
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loving it steph, fan-bloody-tastic!

stephen

Always Hawthorn

Hawthorn Football Club

Strong As One

~Laura was here~
~Jessi should have been here~
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 04:17 AM   #736
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Quote:
Originally Posted by essasteph View Post
This is by far my favorite joke...

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
lol that's hilarious.
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 08:07 AM   #737
kitkat92
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HAHA... That would be painful

Underground_Network is my penguin.
japanman is my son.
[crazy]girl, cslag, kerry, walkin_contradiction and essasteph are my sisters.
japanman is my brother.
fourseasons is my cousin.
If anyone ever needs someone to talk to PM me
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 12:15 PM   #738
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

You can tell that in any form. The other one I heard of the same joke is this.

Three men, an American, a French man, and a Black guy, are walking through the jungle when they get captured by cannibals. The king says "If you want to live, you must shove the fruit of your choice up your ass. You must shove ten of the fruit up your ass."

So the American goes first by selecting apples, he is only able to shove two up his ass before he screams with pain and he is killed. The second to go is the French guy who selects blueberries. He is able to shove 8 of the berries up his ass before he laughs and is killed.

So the French and American guy are in heaven and the French guy is laughing. The American, out of curoisity, asks him why he's laughing. The French guy says "Because the black man wanted to shove watermelon up his ass!"


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Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
No feelings left
This species has
Amused itself to death
Last.FM
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 12:48 PM   #739
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

The seven dwarfs won a meeting with the pope
so they get all excited and go running into the room
and dopey asks the pope "pope do you have any dwarf nuns in Antarctica?" and he goes "no no I don't think we do". So dopey asks "well do you have any dwarf nuns anywhere". and the pope responds "Well I've meet all the nuns from all over the world and no I don't think we have any dwarf nuns". the other 6 dwarfs go "ha ha dopey fucked a penguin!"

♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old July 3rd, 2008, 01:29 PM   #740
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HAHAAHAHAHA Kodie that's great.

"Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war."
-John McCain
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