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Old October 3rd, 2010, 11:27 PM   #1381
Whisper
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♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old October 4th, 2010, 12:28 AM   #1382
mrmcdonaldduck
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whisper View Post
i lol'd, hard



Quote:
Originally Posted by PrinceOfMadness View Post
Dragovich...Kravchenko...Steiner...
Moderators...Admins...Global Admins...
All must die!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chief View Post
Don't lie Nick. Be cool, think of my large, beautiful breasts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Contra View Post
... Oh fuck you!
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Old October 4th, 2010, 03:08 PM   #1383
deadpie
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

why cant annie ride her bike?
she has cerebral palsy

--------------

The doctor asks the bruised woman
- D: How did you get these bruises all over your face?
- W: I slipped.

-----------

What did the black man yell at the cashier woman at KFC?
Thank you for this fine meal, lady!

------------

a priest a rabbi and a buddhist go into a bar
a few hours later they come out with a better understanding of each other

------------

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust...

--------------


A man goes to the doctor's office and complains of a horrible pain in his balls. He finds out he has cancer that has spread throughout his body and he has less than six months to live. So he goes home and kills himself.

---------------

a blonde walks into a building....literally

----------------

What's the worst part about three black men in a Corvette driving off of a cliff?

They were my friends.

-------------------

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

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Old October 4th, 2010, 03:11 PM   #1384
Azunite
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Why did the chicken crossed the road ?
Because it wanted to kiss my ass

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Old October 4th, 2010, 06:22 PM   #1385
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Quote:
Originally Posted by deadpie View Post
(a lot of things)
anti-jokes?

Quote:
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VT turned me lesbo acid wankers wtf.
~Laura Was Here~
Retired Gmod
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Old October 4th, 2010, 07:14 PM   #1386
deadpie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShatteredWings View Post
anti-jokes?
Ye.

-------------------------------------------

Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

------------

Last week my best friend who was Chinese died.
I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects.
When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

-----------

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

---

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

------------

Tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'
Came up with a message "disabled because of copyright claim."
Bit fucking harsh.

--

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint...
"I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.


Last edited by deadpie; October 4th, 2010 at 08:09 PM.
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Old October 5th, 2010, 05:32 PM   #1387
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A blonde walks into the doctors "Doctor Doctor I cant figure out whats wrong with me! Everywhere I touch it hurts" The doctor says "show me" The blonde touches her tits, her asse, her leg, her arm and every time screams in pain. The doctor says "Congratulations maam your finger is broken"

Paddy englishman and paddy irishman go to visit the bishop. At dinner trying to think of things to say paddy englishman says "Pass me the wine you sweet divine" and Paddy irishman says "Pass me the butter you baldy fucker"

Paddy englishman, paddy scottishman and paddy irishman go to visit the priest. The priest asks them "who is the lord our savior?" being clueless the priest decides to leave giving them time to think. Paddy englishman starts reading, paddy scottishman starts shitting and paddy irishman starts smoking. The priest comes back demanding an answer. Paddy englishman stops reading, paddy scottishman pulls up his pants and paddy irishman sticks the fag in his pocket. After 2 minutes of silence paddy irishman shouts "Jesus christ my pants is on fire!" Priest: Correct

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche


“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” ~ Stephen F. Roberts
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Old October 10th, 2010, 02:06 AM   #1388
Whisper
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♫♪Κodie♪♫
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Old October 12th, 2010, 06:16 PM   #1389
Alfred Pennyworth
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What do you call a whole bunch of white guys running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call a whole bunch of black guys running down a hill? Rock Slide
What do you call a whole bunch of Mexicans running down a hill? Jail Break

Advise isn't my specialty... would a sarcastic, quite possibly sadistic, comment do the job?

I am a convicted(and escaped) chat killer, and was formerly The Forgotten.
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Old October 15th, 2010, 04:04 PM   #1390
deadpie
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

The Popemobile: Bullets can't get in, children can't get out.

--

I think a church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence. (Bill Hicks)

--

Its fair to say, if God really made everything, he was probably from china.

--

Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

--

Sorry, but what fucking island was Noah on where there was an Elephant, AND a hamster, AND a penguin???

--

One thing that always amazes me is people who don't believe in sex before marriage. Clearly it's sex after marriage that doesn't exist.

--

So how many communion wafers must you eat in order to have consumed an entire Jesus?

--

Why is our justice system based on a book that would be thrown out of court through lack of evidence?

--

I recently went to Auschwitz and it was one of the most depressing experiences of my life.
No gift shop.

--

My wife has the body of a 16 year old school girl.

She keeps it in the fridge.

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Old October 15th, 2010, 09:56 PM   #1391
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Me, to my moms boyfriend: If you're eating the blood and body of Christ, then doesn't that mean you're shitting literal Christ?

Mom's boyfriend: No, your body takes all the nutrients and the bad stuff comes out.

Me: Exactly what I said.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
I'm about to assassinate Gandhi.

Last edited by The Joker; October 15th, 2010 at 10:20 PM.
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Old October 19th, 2010, 12:07 AM   #1392
closed
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God created the sky and earth. the rest was made by china.

The not funny joke by Mia Wallas (Uma Thurman) from Pulp Fiction:
Three tomatos walk the street, papa tomatmo, mama tomato and son tomato. The son tomato starts to slow down, so the papa tomato hits him and says: ketch-up.
Great movie ^^
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Old October 24th, 2010, 02:49 AM   #1393
Zero Beat
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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Old October 24th, 2010, 12:18 PM   #1394
The Dark Lord
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life.
Much better than having sex.
Probably.

My wife told me that she was seeing someone else because she was fed up with my bad habits.
I nearly choked on my toenail.

My son brought his first girlfriend home tonight. The verdict? Flat chested, fat legs, and a flabby arse.
Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.

If at first you don't succeed...
Try doing it the way your Husband told you.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:
(a) You need more time together,
(b) She's a prude, or
(c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?

Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly".
Carlsberg don't do timely reminders, but if they did....

I always sleep naked. It's just more comfortable.
This stewardess can fuck off. I don't care if there are young children on the plane.

“Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion.”-Steven Weinberg

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Old November 22nd, 2010, 12:48 PM   #1395
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulence to deal with his head wound.

What is completely and utterly pointless?

This joke.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Donkey View Post
Perhaps the entire argument [the death penalty] can be summarised in just a sentence.

We kill people who kill people to show others that killing is wrong.
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Old November 28th, 2010, 04:07 PM   #1396
Sogeking
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Whats in the middle of Paris? The letter "R"
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Old December 1st, 2010, 08:45 PM   #1397
Kaya
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

See, Teachers Ain't So Clever

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When i get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

Brandon is my VT brother
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Old December 1st, 2010, 09:55 PM   #1398
deadpie
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

HAVE I OFFENDED SOMEONE? My work here is accomplished. Time to be ten times as offensive just to piss people off!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Be nice to your kids.
You never know, you might need a kidney one day.

+

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of johnson's no more tears, would it create beautiful irony?

+

Want to fight poverty? Kick a hobo.

+

Why did the Israeli Commando cross the road?
To shoot the baby with the rattle about to open fire.

+

I hate that feeling you get after having sex. You know the one, where you think to yourself "Now I have to find that fucking shovel and start digging a hole"

+

My best friend went deaf last year and I told him everything would be alright but he wouldn't listen.

+

I have C.D.O.
It's like O.C.D. but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be.

+

My pregnant wife said she wanted something special that would last a lifetime for her birthday... So i threw her down the stairs.

+


I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my psychiatrist.
He took me to court and I pleaded insanity.

+


A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you cunt."
The man says, "Yep, that's the one."

+

The best thing about having diarrhoea is you can shit in the shower as well.

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Old December 2nd, 2010, 04:56 AM   #1399
Peace God
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whisper View Post
I'm speechless right now...so much win.
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Old December 5th, 2010, 02:53 AM   #1400
Sugaree
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Default Re: Jokes and Riddles

There's only one bad thing about funerals.

The waste of a perfectly good body.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Brighter.Tomorrow View Post
Hello again VirtualTeen. you blackhole.

No tears to cry
No feelings left
This species has
Amused itself to death
Last.FM
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