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Old January 4th, 2012, 03:02 PM   #1
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Unhappy Ugh... help.

So the other day, I noticed I put on almost 10lbs because I'd started eating more in the last couple months rather than starving. I'd still been skipping lunch but I'd make up for it after school and such. I seem to be going between 7-10lbs more than I was and at first I wasn't bothered... but then I freaked out. I'd been eating fine but I want so badly to go back to seriously restricting. I keep telling myself I will but then I eat and get so angry with myself. When I was at my lowest, I went and bought new jeans since I needed some anyway... they barely fit now since most of the weight went to my legs. I don't want to buy new ones again. It makes me feel ashamed to buy bigger jeans. I also can't ask my mum for money... she'll ask why and she doesn't know about my weight issues.

On one hand, I so badly want to relapse. I didn't even know I'd been 'recovering' in a way so this suddenly hit me all rather hard. I don't really want to go back to feeling sick and tired and dizzy all the time... I just want to be skinny. ><

I know it would be silly to kill myself over my weight and appearance but I've been trying to kill myself again and none of this certainly helps with the whole issue. It's just too much at once with everything else on my mind.

Sorry, I seem to be posting more than usual recently and gah, I don't like making new threads but I don't know how to cope.
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Old January 4th, 2012, 03:24 PM   #2
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Default Re: Ugh... help.

No, don't apologize for making new threads. If you need help, thread away.

You're doing so well. Recovery is hard. I know. But you can keep pushing through. It's not just about eating, though. It's about getting over that little voice in your head that keeps saying, "You're fat. Don't eat." That's the hardest part, I think. But that voice is wrong. You're beautiful. Eating is natural. Eating is necessary.

Please don't hurt yourself, love. You can get through this. I don't know you personally, but I see your posts, and you're beautiful, inside and out, and I know a lot of people would really miss you if you killed yourself. We're here for you. I know it's hard. If you need to talk about anything, I'm open for conversation (and here all day, as I'm home sick from school).

Good luck. Stay strong.
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Old January 4th, 2012, 03:30 PM   #3
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Default Re: Ugh... help.

For awhile, I think the voice was gone because I was eating. I'd sort of shut it up for the most part and told it to bugger off and I'd eat what I wanted to because I love food and what's a stupid voice in my head going to do to stop me? Then my curiosity got the better of me and I checked the scales... and numbers really bother me, especially if they're not low enough. Then the voice came back at full force. I don't have the option of hiding the scale, unfortunately.

I used to weigh myself almost six times a day so I could average out how much I was losing seeing as your weight changes throughout the day. I'd stopped checking entirely for awhile. Now I want to keep going back and checking every ten minutes or every time I drink a glass of water. ><

I have no idea when this actually turned into such an obsession for me. I always said I was fine... sometimes I admit I had an eating disorder but especially recently when I had started eating again, I told myself that I never had one and I'd just freaked out over nothing. Now I'm not so sure. Too much arguing with myself.

Last edited by Deleted User; January 4th, 2012 at 03:35 PM.
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Old January 4th, 2012, 03:38 PM   #4
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Default Re: Ugh... help.

I know what you mean. Numbers are the death of me as well, because I have this weird thing where certain numbers are perfect. And they happen to be the lower ones.

I know. One day, you're just like, "Oh, it's just a little diet." And next thing you know, you're completely obsessed. It happens so fast. And then you're trying to get "better" from a disease you keep telling yourself you don't have. Then you admit that you have a disorder and you get better, and suddenly it was never a disorder at all. Then everything starts to get worse again, and you just want out of the fucking cycle so bad it hurts.

I know what you mean. It's so hard, and it's confusing. But you can get through it.
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Old January 5th, 2012, 08:00 AM   #5
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Default Re: Ugh... help.

I painted over the dial on my scale so I couldn't see the numbers whenever I compulsively weighed myself. It helped, actually, even though I wanted to scream for the first few days.
I dunno, EDs are fucking hard and they take a while to recover, but it sounds like you're doing really well. Just remember people believe in you, and you can make it.
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Old January 8th, 2012, 03:33 AM   #6
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Default Re: Ugh... help.

I don't know if doing anything to the scale would help. Lately everything is a trigger. My wrists, my ribs, my tummy. They're all so big now. They're not bony like they used to be. I miss it so much. I don't even know if being fat is the problem. I just want the bones. I don't know why anymore. I just want them so badly.

If the number on the scale is lower, I know I'm closer to bone. But even without it, I can feel them. It makes me hate myself more, not to be this thin, bony girl.
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