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Old April 1st, 2018, 11:52 PM   #1
Ilove318
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Name: Nirvana
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Talking Everything is wrong with me!

Before anything I just want to say: I am suicidal. The only reason I am alive is because Iíve tried to kill myself and failed. I donít want what happened after that to ever happen again.

I am fat, ugly and a disgusting person. I canít control my anger. And I always want to die. I have a little brother (9) who I donít want to curse with issues, but I canít keep going. I feel like my parents expect too much from me. They know Iím depressed and they still expect me to be fully motivated and keep coming 1st in the grade. I hate this.

I try to work hard, but not in the subjects they want me to. I work hard in French, History and Technology (sewing). I hate maths and school science because of my teachers but my parents think that is an excuse for me to work harder at home. The way they try and motivate me is by telling me my efforts are crap. IíM TRYING! Why canít they understand. When they say this, I stop trying and I retreat into myself and start wanting to die.

To be honest I donít want to go home these days because I know what they will say to me. They are not abusive and they give me everything I could possibly want, so I guess Iím just a bad daughter. I can never do anything right. (Iím sorry Iím venting, I just never say this out loud to anyone)

I have no friends at school and I donít know why. Maybe because Iím rude. When people are nice to me, I donít know what to say so I say Ďyou tooí or something similar but when they are rude to me, I get defensive and rude back. Why canít I just take it as a joke? I had one friend and she left me after I told her I might move to a selective school. Now I donít want to because it is too much work. Why am I like this?!

Recently, Iíve put on heaps of weight. Iím tall so it isnít too bad? At least I thought. My mum always calls me fat and points out my stretch marks on my hips to everyone in my family. When she wanted to show my dad, I ran away from her. She says my chest it too big, but I canít control that! She says I can, but how? Iíve started eating less proper food in hopes of losing weight, but I canít bring myself to exercise. Iím just too tired!

I wanted to talk to my school counsellor, but my emails go nice back and they never see anyone without an email appointment.

My family always says that Ďaffirmationsí are what make your future. I never believe it, so I say negative things (credit to my depression) but they get mad at me. I hate myself so one day I said to ĎGodí if he exists, Ďkill me if you existí. Obviously Iím not dead, but life has just gotten worse. Iím inching closer and closer to suicide again, and this time I know exactly how to do it. Jump from my school balcony, or the roof of my house or anything - it doesnít matter. I just NEED to die.

I have no reason to live anymore and Iím sorry for wasting your time venting. Someone please help me...
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Old April 2nd, 2018, 12:57 AM   #2
Tim the Enchanter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove318 View Post
Before anything I just want to say: I am suicidal. The only reason I am alive is because Iíve tried to kill myself and failed. I donít want what happened after that to ever happen again.

I am fat, ugly and a disgusting person. I canít control my anger. And I always want to die. I have a little brother (9) who I donít want to curse with issues, but I canít keep going. I feel like my parents expect too much from me. They know Iím depressed and they still expect me to be fully motivated and keep coming 1st in the grade. I hate this.

I try to work hard, but not in the subjects they want me to. I work hard in French, History and Technology (sewing). I hate maths and school science because of my teachers but my parents think that is an excuse for me to work harder at home. The way they try and motivate me is by telling me my efforts are crap. IíM TRYING! Why canít they understand. When they say this, I stop trying and I retreat into myself and start wanting to die.

To be honest I donít want to go home these days because I know what they will say to me. They are not abusive and they give me everything I could possibly want, so I guess Iím just a bad daughter. I can never do anything right. (Iím sorry Iím venting, I just never say this out loud to anyone)

I have no friends at school and I donít know why. Maybe because Iím rude. When people are nice to me, I donít know what to say so I say Ďyou tooí or something similar but when they are rude to me, I get defensive and rude back. Why canít I just take it as a joke? I had one friend and she left me after I told her I might move to a selective school. Now I donít want to because it is too much work. Why am I like this?!

Recently, Iíve put on heaps of weight. Iím tall so it isnít too bad? At least I thought. My mum always calls me fat and points out my stretch marks on my hips to everyone in my family. When she wanted to show my dad, I ran away from her. She says my chest it too big, but I canít control that! She says I can, but how? Iíve started eating less proper food in hopes of losing weight, but I canít bring myself to exercise. Iím just too tired!

I wanted to talk to my school counsellor, but my emails go nice back and they never see anyone without an email appointment.

My family always says that Ďaffirmationsí are what make your future. I never believe it, so I say negative things (credit to my depression) but they get mad at me. I hate myself so one day I said to ĎGodí if he exists, Ďkill me if you existí. Obviously Iím not dead, but life has just gotten worse. Iím inching closer and closer to suicide again, and this time I know exactly how to do it. Jump from my school balcony, or the roof of my house or anything - it doesnít matter. I just NEED to die.

I have no reason to live anymore and Iím sorry for wasting your time venting. Someone please help me...
I can be your friend on here if you want. I'd love to make you happy and not sad. Know that when you asked God to kill you and you're still alive, It's because God believes in you, and he is trying to give you the strength by walking beside you.

Here, I hope this cute pupper makes you atleast a little bit happy
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JUST TIM
Also known as, the hash-slinging slasher


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Old April 2nd, 2018, 07:15 AM   #3
Ilove318
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Originally Posted by Timd9 View Post
I can be your friend on here if you want. I'd love to make you happy and not sad. Know that when you asked God to kill you and you're still alive, It's because God believes in you, and he is trying to give you the strength by walking beside you.

Here, I hope this cute pupper makes you atleast a little bit happy

Thanks for that. I like the puppy.

I don't even know what to say. No one is so nice to me in my life. It makes me happy to know that you read that (and sorry for the venting) and you cared enough to reply. You're such a good person. I wish you all the best.
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Old April 2nd, 2018, 09:40 AM   #4
Tim the Enchanter
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Thanks for that. I like the puppy.

I don't even know what to say. No one is so nice to me in my life. It makes me happy to know that you read that (and sorry for the venting) and you cared enough to reply. You're such a good person. I wish you all the best.
Haha, you don't have to say anything. Just know that many people are here for you. You're still alive because God loves you, and if anything, view that as God saying you're going to live and you're going to make your mark on the world. And don't mention it, I'm just a nice guy. Have a nice day!


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Old April 7th, 2018, 08:00 PM   #5
Ilove318
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Thanks, and sorry for the late reply.
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Old April 7th, 2018, 08:19 PM   #6
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I don't think anyone really *needs* to die. Every life has value, no matter how horrible the person is. The fact that you're trying to change I think is really cool. A lot of people would just settle and accept the fact that they're not the best. Life is hard, but you've gotta just keep on pushing through. As for not having any friends; try the internet, there are so many great people who would probably love to talk to you. There's this cool website called 7cups.com and it's pretty nice if you just need someone to talk to
Whenever you want to die, just think of all the great things that life can hold. there are so, so many things to look forward to, like, do you ever want to get married, do you want to see the new movie coming out at the end of this year, what about the feeling of the wind in your face, the feeling of being in love, seeing all the beautiful colors the world has, what about experiences you've never had, skydiving, skinny dipping, telling a stranger they're the most beautiful person? life brings along so many surprises, missing out on them wouldn't be very fun.
I wish you the very best, keep on hanging on my friend
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Old April 12th, 2018, 04:51 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Ella... View Post
I don't think anyone really *needs* to die. Every life has value, no matter how horrible the person is. The fact that you're trying to change I think is really cool. A lot of people would just settle and accept the fact that they're not the best. Life is hard, but you've gotta just keep on pushing through. As for not having any friends; try the internet, there are so many great people who would probably love to talk to you. There's this cool website called 7cups.com and it's pretty nice if you just need someone to talk to
Whenever you want to die, just think of all the great things that life can hold. there are so, so many things to look forward to, like, do you ever want to get married, do you want to see the new movie coming out at the end of this year, what about the feeling of the wind in your face, the feeling of being in love, seeing all the beautiful colors the world has, what about experiences you've never had, skydiving, skinny dipping, telling a stranger they're the most beautiful person? life brings along so many surprises, missing out on them wouldn't be very fun.
I wish you the very best, keep on hanging on my friend
Thanks. That was really nice. I have just lost the will to live. My family are always angry at me because Iím fat or I get emotional or something or another. My mum says she cares, and I know she does, but it hurts when people tell me all the things that are wrong with me so bluntly. People laugh at me at school and I feel so stupid all the time. The only reason anyone talks to me is to find out my test scores. I feel like a tool and thatís why quite often I would rather die. Yesterday my family had a fight and I relapsed to cutting for the first time in months. I was going to kill myself because I was the one who started the fight by getting defensive about my body. I was so close to doing it, itís not even funny. I just donít think I can hold on for much longer, especially since everything I like is warping into something I donít like.
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Old April 13th, 2018, 10:22 PM   #8
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Hey, just going through the Mental Crisis Forums trying to bring a slither of hope!

Listen, it may seem hard but just keep trying. You haven't even finished school yet! To be brutally honest grades only give people a "head start" in life, so don't worry too much about those. We live in a society that had been shaped around status and appearance and all of that... It's stupid really. We all have value as people. All of us. You do, especially. You are special okay, you're here for a reason, you just need to find it and share it with everyone! It's hard because we're pressured to appeal to others, but just try not to think about looks. They can change with time and they really don't matter, it's what's in you that counts, no not your guts, your soul! Please, hold on, if you're still there! Know that there are lots of people that care about you okay, there are at least six that I can think of, your parents, your lil bro and the people on this thread! There is hope, you are a star. Just keep shooting through the sky at the speed of light, and the time will come when you will crash into your destination and say "HEY, I'm here ".

If you need someone to talk to and I'm online, come talk with me and we can just discuss life together

There are plenty of willing shoulders in the world for you to rest your head on when you're in need.

The school counsellor would definitely be worth it, I'm with one and she works wonders, it really helps having someone to talk to at school (its like a mini escape from school)

Counselling is 100% confidential, until it reaches the point that they feel you are in danger to either yourself, or others, that's like a universal code, I do believe. Confidentiality.

It may be hard, but your parents do care, try and talk to them about the counselling when they're in a good mood. Explain that it would mean a lot to you if they could arrange it and that it would mean you could talk about all your problems, they wouldn't have to listen, and you might have your energy restored!

Keep goin', you'll get there!

Peace!

EDIT: just a quick edit, I realised I forgot to address the title,

there's nothing wrong with you, however, there is everything wrong with the people being disrespectful to you!

Last edited by aslitherofhope; April 13th, 2018 at 10:26 PM.
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Old April 18th, 2018, 11:58 PM   #9
Ilove318
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Name: Nirvana
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Default Re: Everything is wrong with me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aslitherofhope View Post
Hey, just going through the Mental Crisis Forums trying to bring a slither of hope!

Listen, it may seem hard but just keep trying. You haven't even finished school yet! To be brutally honest grades only give people a "head start" in life, so don't worry too much about those. We live in a society that had been shaped around status and appearance and all of that... It's stupid really. We all have value as people. All of us. You do, especially. You are special okay, you're here for a reason, you just need to find it and share it with everyone! It's hard because we're pressured to appeal to others, but just try not to think about looks. They can change with time and they really don't matter, it's what's in you that counts, no not your guts, your soul! Please, hold on, if you're still there! Know that there are lots of people that care about you okay, there are at least six that I can think of, your parents, your lil bro and the people on this thread! There is hope, you are a star. Just keep shooting through the sky at the speed of light, and the time will come when you will crash into your destination and say "HEY, I'm here ".

If you need someone to talk to and I'm online, come talk with me and we can just discuss life together

There are plenty of willing shoulders in the world for you to rest your head on when you're in need.

The school counsellor would definitely be worth it, I'm with one and she works wonders, it really helps having someone to talk to at school (its like a mini escape from school)

Counselling is 100% confidential, until it reaches the point that they feel you are in danger to either yourself, or others, that's like a universal code, I do believe. Confidentiality.

It may be hard, but your parents do care, try and talk to them about the counselling when they're in a good mood. Explain that it would mean a lot to you if they could arrange it and that it would mean you could talk about all your problems, they wouldn't have to listen, and you might have your energy restored!

Keep goin', you'll get there!

Peace!

EDIT: just a quick edit, I realised I forgot to address the title,

there's nothing wrong with you, however, there is everything wrong with the people being disrespectful to you!
Thanks, I started seeing the counsellor and sheís really nice. I havenít told her Iím depressed yet because I didnít have time, but I will eventually. What do you think she will do if I say I self harm? Will she tell my parents? Or anyone else for that matter?
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Old July 25th, 2018, 11:25 AM   #10
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Thanks, I started seeing the counsellor and sheís really nice. I havenít told her Iím depressed yet because I didnít have time, but I will eventually. What do you think she will do if I say I self harm? Will she tell my parents? Or anyone else for that matter?
Hello. Iím sorry to the moderators for bumping this, but I really hope you are doing okay. It has been a few months, and I want you to know that Iím here for you. Family providing for you when you are young does not give them a free pass to be an asshole to you. They think that providing for you is enough, but the truth is, itís not. Support means more than anything to a child. They should be supportive, rather than bringing you down.

How have things been going? Youíve been seeing someone which is great, but have your parents been a little nicer? I just want you to know that you are not fat. You are not ugly. You are not useless. You have a purpose in this world. Once you turn eighteen, you will be able to move out. That is your decision, and do not let anyone influence your decision. Your family doesnít get to decide whether or not youíre ready to move. You can move when you feel ready, but I think that you will be much happier living on your own. At thirteen years old, that is a lot to think about, but everything will be okay.

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Old July 25th, 2018, 12:14 PM   #11
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